What To Do When Your Kid Asks ‘Will I Get Bullied? Do I Look Like A Girl?’
Last Sunday, I was folding clean soccer socks in the laundry room when my 12-year-old son Javi leaned into the doorway, phone held out in front of him. The screen was lit up with a selfie he’d just taken, his sun-streaked brown hair falling just past his collar, the edge of his skateboard sticker peeking out from the neck of his hoodie. “Hey,” he said, kicking the base of the dryer a little, “Do you guys think I’m gonna get bullied? Also do I look like a girl?”
The dryer was still humming, my iced coffee was sweating on the counter behind me, and for half a second I almost blurted out the automatic response I’ve heard a hundred parents give: Of course not, don’t be silly, no one will care. But I’ve worked as a middle school counselor for eight years, and I know that’s almost always the wrong thing to say. So I set down the sock I was folding, sat back on the empty laundry basket, and told him to come sit.
He told me a group of freshmen from the local high school had yelled “nice hair, girl” across the skate park a few days earlier. He’d laughed it off at the time, but it stuck with him. First day of seventh grade was two days away, and all he could think about was walking into homeroom with every kid staring and whispering. Javi’s grown his hair out since last Christmas, after he saw a pro skater with a man bun on YouTube. He’s always been lean, with soft features and my high cheekbones, so people have mistaken him for a girl in passing since he was little. But that kind of random mistake from a stranger is different than being singled out by kids your own age, I get that.
A lot of people react to this kind of question one of two ways. Either they rush to reassure with that automatic “of course you don’t look like a girl, no one would bully you” that dismisses the kid’s fear entirely, or they jump straight to fixing the problem: “If that’s what you’re worried about, we can cut it this afternoon, no big deal.” Both moves send the wrong message. The first tells your kid their worry is stupid and not worth talking about. The second implies that looking like a girl is something bad enough that they need to change their appearance to avoid trouble. I’ve seen both play out in my office, and more often than not, the kid leaves not feeling better, just less likely to bring up that kind of worry again.
Instead of jumping in, I asked him what he thought about people saying he looks like a girl. He shrugged and said “I don’t care, really. I just don’t want to deal with people messing with me every day.” That’s the thing most parents miss: when a kid asks this question, they’re not asking for a yes or no answer about their appearance. They’re asking if it’s okay to be scared, and if you’ll help them handle whatever comes.
We spent ten minutes that afternoon working out small, low-stakes things he could try if someone said something. I didn’t make him practice a big speech or tell him he had to stand up and fight anyone who teased him. I just gave him a couple of options he could pick from, depending on how he felt. If it’s some random kid being stupid, he can just say “okay?” and walk away. If he feels like joking, he can say “yeah, and I’d look better than you too.” If it gets more than a one-off comment, he can text me or find his homeroom teacher right away. That’s it. No big drama, no forced confrontation. It’s enough to give a kid a sense of control when they’re feeling scared.
I also sent a two-line email to his homeroom teacher that night: “Javi’s growing his hair out and he’s a little nervous about teasing this year. If you see any comments popping up, a quick redirect would be really helpful. No need to make a big deal out of it, just wanted to give you a heads up.” Most teachers are glad to get that kind of note. It doesn’t put extra work on them, just lets them know what to keep an eye out for, and it means you don’t have to wait for a problem to get bigger before someone steps in.
The first week of school went better than any of us expected. One kid made a comment in PE, Javi just shrugged and said “nice observation” and the kid left it alone. His homeroom teacher pulled the kid aside after class and reminded him that teasing about appearance isn’t allowed, which was exactly what we’d hoped for. Last week Javi came home with a flier for the school’s GSA, said a couple of the upperclassmen there told him they liked his hair.
It’s not all fixed, though. Last night he mentioned that a kid in the lunch line called him she by accident, and he just didn’t say anything and moved on. Some days he pulls his hood up over his hair when we walk through the grocery store, like he’s trying to hide it. I don’t push him to talk about it when he doesn’t want to, and I don’t tell him he shouldn’t feel self-conscious. That stuff takes time.
The biggest thing I’ve learned from this, both as a counselor and a parent, is that you don’t have to fix the fear right away. You just have to not dismiss it. Give your kid small tools to handle what comes, let them decide if they want to change their appearance or not, and let the people at school know what’s going on so they can help. It’s not perfect, and it doesn’t mean bad stuff won’t happen. But it means your kid knows they don’t have to handle it alone.
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