What to Do When Everyone Constantly Comments That Your 10 Year Old Looks Older
Last Tuesday, I was pushing my grocery cart through the cereal aisle, juggling a reusable bag and my 10 year old Lila’s request for the kind with extra unicorn marshmallows, when a woman from our neighborhood stopped us. She leaned in, grinning, and said, “Oh wow, Lila! You’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you. You look at least 14 now, how is that possible?” Lila immediately slid half behind my cart, one hand picking at a frayed seam on her neon soccer hoodie, and didn’t say anything. I smiled and nodded like I always used to, said “Yep, she got her dad’s height,” and moved on. But as soon as we turned the corner, Lila mumbled, “I hate when people say that.” I stopped the cart right there. That’s when I realized this wasn’t just awkward small talk I could brush off. It was something that was sticking with her.
This isn’t a one-off, either. At her last soccer game, a visiting coach asked if I’d brought my older daughter to help referee. At the school bake sale back in September, a parent I didn’t know asked Lila to hand them a stack of napkins like she was another volunteer parent. Even my own mom joked at Christmas that Lila could pass for a high schooler when she wore her new boots. Most of the time, people don’t mean anything by it. It’s just filler for awkward conversation, a throwaway comment about how fast kids grow, that kind of thing. But what no one talks about is what that comment does to a 10 year old kid who’s still just trying to be 10.
A couple months ago, we were getting ready for a family camping trip. Lila had packed her stuffed rabbit, Thumper, that she’s had since she was a baby, and then she unpacked him and put him on her shelf right before we left. When I asked her why, she said my sister had commented last time we saw her that “only little kids bring stuffed animals on trips, and you don’t look like a little kid anymore.” That hit me. Ten is already such a weird in-between age. Kids are starting to pull away from being little, but they still need all the space to be silly and immature and unready for bigger responsibilities. When every other person you meet treats you like you’re four years older than you are, that takes that space away. Lila still loves chasing fireflies, making slime that gets all over the kitchen table, and re-watching old Bluey episodes after school. She’s not ready to give any of that up, but the world around her keeps telling her she should be, just because she’s four inches taller than most other 10 year olds.
I started testing out small changes after the Thumper incident, and I’ve found a few things that work way better than just brushing the comment off. First, I stopped agreeing with the comment right in front of her. I used to default to “Oh yeah, she’s really tall for her age” which just makes the comment feel normal and true. Now I have a one-line go-to I use every time someone says she looks older: “She’s actually only 10, and she still loves being 10.” It’s polite, it doesn’t call the person out in a rude way, but it immediately sets the record straight for her, too. The first time I used it was at the library, when the librarian made the same comment. After I said that, Lila piped up and told the librarian about the slime birthday party she’d had that weekend, something she never would have done before. It was like giving her permission to be the age she actually is.
Second, I changed how I check in with her after a comment. I used to ask “Are you okay?” which is too vague, and she usually just shrugs and says yeah. Now I ask, “Do you want to talk about how that comment bugged you, or do you just want to go get a slushie and forget about it?” It gives her control over how she responds, and she doesn’t feel pressured to feel a certain way. Half the time she picks the slushie, and that’s fine. The other half, she’ll talk about how it makes her feel like everyone thinks she’s supposed to be done with the silly stuff she likes. When that happens, I just say “That makes total sense. It’s weird when people act like you’re not the kid you still are.” I don’t try to fix it, I just agree that it’s unfair.
Third, we’ve built extra space for 10-year-old behavior at home, no matter what anyone else says. Thumper now comes on every trip, no questions. She doesn’t want a cell phone yet, so we’re not getting her one, even though multiple people have said she looks old enough to handle it. She still wants me to braid her hair for school every morning, even when people comment that “big girls do their own hair.” For teachers or caregivers who have a kid like this, the small thing that makes the biggest difference is don’t default to giving them more responsibility just because they look older. A lot of times, adults will ask the bigger, older-looking kids to help with younger kids or handle bigger tasks, but that can add a lot of pressure when they’re still the same age as everyone else in the class. Just ask them if they want to help, same as you would any other kid.
Last weekend at the community pool, the lifeguard asked Lila if she was reporting for her shift. Lila just rolled her eyes, grinned, and said “I’m 10, I’m here to swim.” That’s the first time she’s responded on her own like that. Some days it still bugs her, and some days I still get caught off guard and fumble my response. It’s not a problem we’ve solved forever, and there are still awkward moments every week. But right now, these small things are working. She gets to be 10 for as long as she wants to be 10, and that’s all that matters right now.
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