Should I wait to get pregnant after having a couple of pre-baby vacations? What I learned
I’m stirring a lukewarm oat latte, brushing blueberry scone crumbs off my notebook at our usual corner coffee shop when Lila leans forward, twisting the sun-bleached silver bracelet her husband got her in Portugal. We did it, she says. We checked the box. Two whole pre-baby vacations, just like everyone told us to: Portugal last spring, Costa Rica this winter. Now my aunt won’t stop texting me baby names, my coworker keeps asking when we’re going to “get started.” But I still want to wait another year. Is that crazy? Should I just get pregnant now that we’ve had our fun?
I recognize that question. It’s the same one I sat with six years ago, after my husband and I wrapped up our two big pre-baby trips: a two-week camping road trip around Utah and Arizona, where we hiked until our feet blistered and slept under stars without a single alarm, then a 10-day cherry blossom trip to Tokyo, where we ate so much sushi we could barely walk back to our tiny hotel each night. Everyone told us we’d done our part. We’d checked “travel before kids” off the list. What were we waiting for?
My mom called every other Sunday to ask about baby names. My cousin, who’d had two kids by 28, kept saying your fertility doesn’t wait, you’ve had your fun. For a while, I felt guilty. Like we were being selfish, dragging our feet on the next big life step just because we liked sleeping in on Saturdays and taking last-minute weekend trips to the lake. But I also knew I wasn’t ready. I was six months away from the promotion I’d worked four years to get, the one that would let me step into a role I actually enjoyed before shifting to a more flexible schedule later. My husband was still getting his freelance design business off the ground, and he wanted to pull a few all-nighters to lock in long-term clients before we had a newborn waking us up every three hours. So we waited. Three extra years, after our two big vacations, before we started trying.
Now I have a four-year-old who covers my couch in paint and yells about dinosaur crackers at 6 a.m. And when people ask me the same question Lila asked that day at the coffee shop, I don’t give them a yes or no. I give them the small, concrete things I figured out along the way.
First, the “one or two pre-baby vacations” rule is just a guideline someone made up, not a deadline that expires the second you get home from your second trip. When Lila told me she and her husband still wanted to do a two-week trip around Japan’s countryside before starting, everyone made her feel like that was an unnecessary luxury. But I told her to book it. I waited three extra years mostly because I wanted one more stretch of time where my husband and I only had to show up for each other, no other demands. After we had our son, that time didn’t disappear entirely, but it changed completely. No more last-minute hotel bookings, no more 12-hour road trips just to see a waterfall, no more spending a whole day wandering a city because we felt like it. I don’t miss that every day, but I’m glad I got that extra time before the shift.
If you’re stuck on this question, a concrete thing you can do right now is pull out your phone notes and write down three things that matter to you, not anyone else. Mine were: I want to hit this promotion before maternity leave, I want one more big hiking trip with my husband, I don’t want to feel rushed into this before we’re both actually on the same page. No one else’s three points have to match yours. If yours are “I want to finish this home renovation” or “I just want a year of no plans before we have kids” that’s just as valid as any timeline.
Second, if you’re worried about fertility (which most of us are, when we think about waiting), you don’t have to choose between waiting and being responsible. A concrete step I took when I decided to wait after my 30th birthday was to book a 30-minute baseline check-up with my OB. They did a few simple tests to check my egg reserve, talked to me about what my risks actually were if I waited another three years, and gave me clear next steps if we struggled later. That took all the vague panic out of the decision, instead of just listening to my cousin’s scary stories about fertility declining. And if your doctor says waiting an extra year isn’t a good fit for you, then you can make that call for your body. It’s not one size fits all.
Third, you don’t owe anyone a defense of your timeline. When people comment that you’ve already had your vacations and should get pregnant now, you don’t have to explain your whole life to them. I started just saying “we’ve got a timeline that works for us” and then immediately asking them about their tomato garden or their grandkid’s soccer game. Nine times out of ten, they drop it right there. No fight, no guilt, just a subject change.
Lila ended up booking that trip to the Japanese countryside for next fall. She and her husband are planning to wait 18 more months before they start trying, and she still gets the occasional comment from family, but she’s stopped feeling guilty about it. Last week she sent me a photo of the two of them at a wine tasting in Napa, sun on their faces, no stroller, no diaper bag in sight. I looked at that photo, then looked over at my son, passed out on my couch after a day at the zoo, covered in goldfish crumbs and dinosaur paint, and both scenes felt right.
I don’t know what the right choice is for anyone else. Some of my friends got pregnant right after their first pre-baby trip and couldn’t be happier, no regrets at all. I know other people who waited and ended up struggling with fertility that they didn’t expect. It’s still a gamble, no matter what you choose. But it’s okay to take the extra time after your couple of vacations if that’s what you want. No rule says you have to check the next box right away.
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