MIL Kissing Baby on Mouth: Why I’m Uncomfortable And How I’m Handling It
I was halfway through wiping blueberry oatmeal off my 10-month-old Lila’s plastic high chair tray when it happened. My mother-in-law, who’d just brought Lila a new stack of hand-sewn burp cloths and helped me fold three loads of laundry that morning, leaned over, wiped a crumb off Lila’s chin with her thumb, and planted a loud, wet kiss directly on Lila’s open mouth.
I froze. I wiped my damp hands on my yoga pants and forced a smile, and my MIL pulled back grinning and said, “I kissed all three of my boys on the mouth like this, and look how they turned out! My mom did it for me, too.” I mumbled something about that being nice, and then Lila grabbed a spoon and flung more oatmeal on the floor, and I moved on. Ten minutes later, when I went to the kitchen to get more paper towels, I snuck a wet wipe and cleaned Lila’s mouth off when no one was looking.
I’ve felt guilty for that moment ever since. My MIL is the kind of grandma every new mom prays for: she drives two hours every other weekend, she never comments on how I feed Lila or how often she sleeps in our bed, she does all the dishes after brunch without even being asked. She loves Lila more than anything, and that’s all this is: a show of love. So why does it make my skin crawl so bad?
A few weeks after that first time, she showed up to visit with a tiny scabbing cold sore on her lower lip. I noticed it right away, and I kept tensing up every time she got close to Lila. Sure enough, after an hour of holding her and playing, she leaned in for another mouth kiss. I almost interrupted, but my husband was on a work call in the other room, and I didn’t want to cause a scene in front of her first visit in a month. I let it happen, and that night I lay awake worrying about whether Lila would get a cold sore that could turn into something worse. I looked it up after that, and turns out most adults carry HSV-1, the virus that causes cold sores, even if we never have outbreaks. You can pass it to a baby with a single mouth kiss, and for babies with underdeveloped immune systems, it can cause really scary complications. It’s not just me being a germaphobe, that’s actual fact. The pediatrician I see also mentions it at well-baby checks, advising against mouth kisses from anyone for the first year.
But I also get that for people of my MIL’s generation, this wasn’t a thing anyone talked about. It was just how you showed affection to a baby you loved. This isn’t her being disrespectful on purpose. She’s not trying to overstep my boundaries. She just doesn’t know what we know now.
I talked about it with my husband one night after Lila went to bed, and we agreed we didn’t need a big yelling fight about it. We just needed to be gentle and consistent. The next time my MIL visited, I had a plan. I was standing by the couch holding Lila when she leaned in to say good morning before she left. I shifted Lila slightly in my arms before she could reach, turned her little cheek toward my MIL, and said, “There we go, grandma gets the best cheek smooch! Our pediatrician says we stick to just cheeks for tiny babies, since their immune systems are still so new. We’re being extra careful right now.”
It was casual, no tension, no blame. I didn’t say “I don’t want you kissing my baby” I said “the doctor says” and framed it as being careful with Lila, not judging her. She didn’t get defensive at all. She just laughed and kissed Lila’s cheek, and said “Oh that makes total sense! I forgot how little their immune systems are when they’re this small. I get it.”
That was three months ago. It’s not perfect. She still forgets every once in a while. Last month she picked Lila up from daycare for me when I had a last-minute work meeting, and when I got to her house, I saw she’d kissed her on the mouth. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, I just wiped Lila’s face when we got to the car and gently reminded her the next time we saw her. It’s worked so far, and no one’s feelings got hurt.
A lot of the parenting groups I follow make this sound like a black and white issue: either you cut off anyone who crosses your boundary, or you’re a doormat who doesn’t stand up for your kid. But that’s not how real family works, right? Most of the time, the people who love our kids aren’t trying to hurt them. They just do things the way they’ve always done them.
If this is something you’re dealing with too, you don’t have to pick a fight. Redirection works really well before anyone goes for the mouth: just shift the baby’s face to the cheek, make a big deal out of how good cheek kisses are, and most people will get the hint without you even having to say anything. If you need to say something, frame it around the baby’s health or the doctor’s recommendation, not around your dislike of the habit. That takes all the pressure off you being the bad guy, and it’s hard to argue with a doctor’s guidance. If you’re too nervous to say it yourself, ask your partner to say it first. It doesn’t make you weak, it just means you’re working as a team with what you’re comfortable with.
I still get that little twinge in my chest when I see MIL lean in too fast toward Lila’s mouth. I don’t think that’s going away any time soon, and that’s okay. We’re all just figuring this out as we go: she’s learning the new unwritten rules of baby affection, I’m learning how to speak up without hurting people, and Lila’s getting all the love she can get from a grandma who adores her. Right now, that’s enough.
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