Is My Child’s Behavior Just In My Head? What I Learned As A Parent And Teacher
I was leaning against the elementary school fence last October, sipping lukewarm coffee that had gone bitter, when my 8-year-old Leo came barrelling out of third grade. His backpack was unzipped, half his math worksheets fluttering onto the sidewalk, shoelaces dragging through a puddle left by the morning rain. When I asked how his day went, he didn’t answer – he was too busy jumping over every crack in the concrete, one hand already in his pocket digging for the chipped rock collection he stashes there. I bent to pick up his worksheets, and the same question niggled at the back of my brain again: Is this just in my head?
I’ve taught fourth grade for 12 years, so I see wiggly, distracted kids every single school year. But when it’s your own kid, every small pattern feels like a trick your brain is playing. His teacher had sent home a note three days before that said he was interrupting reading group three or four times a week, and couldn’t stay seated through the 20-minute math block. My sister, who has an 8-year-old boy the same age, texted back when I told her “All boys are like that at that age, you’re just used to sitting all day with big kids.” My mom reminded me I used to climb the furniture at family dinner when I was 9, so I was just projecting my own work stress onto Leo.
Last Tuesday, I sat at the kitchen table with him while he did his required 20 minutes of reading. I didn’t say anything, just counted how many times he got up. Seven. First for a drink of water, then to drop a piece of trash, then to pet the cat, then to use the bathroom, then to get a different bookmark, then to show me a bug he found by the back door, then to get a sweatshirt because he was suddenly cold. After he went to bed that night, I sat on the couch staring at the wall, thinking I must be overcounting. I’m a teacher, I’m supposed to be patient, but I get so frustrated every single homework time that I’m probably making a big deal out of nothing.
That night, I remembered a trick I’d started sharing with parents who came to me with the same question – the “is this just me?” question. I tell them to do three days of zero-judgment observation: don’t change anything, just write down what actually happens, not how it makes you feel. No vague lines like “Leo is always distracting” – just specific, plain notes: “7:15am, had to remind Leo three times to put his shoes on before we left for school. 4:30pm, got up 7 times during 10 minutes of homework. 6:00pm, left dinner table three times before we finished eating to get toys.” I’d used it for years with other parents, but I’d never tried it for my own kid.
So I did it. Three days, I jotted notes in the notes app on my phone whenever I thought of it, no big production. When I looked back at the end of the third day, the list was a full page long. It wasn’t that I was being irritable or overstressed – these things were happening every single day, multiple times a day. The coach from his soccer team even texted me that weekend to say he’d wandered off the field twice during drills and couldn’t remember the one simple play they’d practiced 10 times. That was the thing that shifted things: other people who saw him for a couple hours a week were starting to notice the same patterns I saw at home.
I didn’t rush to get a diagnosis or sign him up for a million therapies. I just started with the same small changes I recommend to parents of my students who are dealing with the same thing. First, I split his homework time into two 10-minute chunks, with a 2-minute dance break in between to whatever silly song he picks. That one change cut the number of get-ups down from 7 to 2 on most nights. I got a $5 textured fidget clip that clips to the edge of his desk, so he can fidget with it while he reads or does math instead of getting up every five minutes. I stopped giving general instructions like “get ready for school” and started saying “first put your shoes by the door, then put your homework in your backpack” – one step at a time, instead of a list he can’t hold in his head.
What I’ve learned from this, that I don’t think a lot of people talk about, is that it’s normal to question if you’re overreacting. When everyone around you tells you it’s just normal kid behavior, it’s easy to start thinking it’s all just in your head. You know your kid better than anyone else. You’re the one who sees the small patterns that add up: the way they never finish a snack they started, the way you have to repeat everything three times, the way they come home from school every day saying they got in trouble again for something they didn’t even mean to do. A cousin who sees them once a month at a barbecue doesn’t see that. A friend who only posts the good parts of their kid’s life on Instagram doesn’t see that.
The three-day observation trick doesn’t mean you have to do anything big if you see a pattern. It just answers the question you’re asking: is this actually happening, or am I making it up? If after three days you see it’s just a rough week because of a change in routine, you can let it go. If you see the pattern is there every day, you can start small with changes that make life easier for everyone, no big fanfare.
We’re still waiting on the school’s evaluation for learning support, and some days I still catch myself thinking I must be making a big deal out of nothing. Some mornings we still run late because he can’t find his backpack even though I told him to put it by the door. Homework still takes longer than it probably should, even with the chunks. But it’s better than it was. Leo doesn’t get told he’s being bad multiple times a day anymore, and I don’t walk around feeling like a constant nag. I still don’t have all the answers, but at least I know this isn’t just in my head.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » Is My Child’s Behavior Just In My Head