I Think I’m Bad At Asking For Help, So I’m Just Doing It Here
Right now I’m sitting at my kitchen table, half a bowl of boxed mac and cheese gone cold next to my laptop, my cat Mochi knocked over a blue Bic pen an hour ago and it’s still rolling under the radiator, and I can’t stop picking at the frayed edge of the tablecloth. I’ve been staring at this blank document for 45 minutes trying to figure out how to say what I need, because I never know how to say it. I always just kind of… let it sit in my chest until it dissolves a little or I forget about it, but this one won’t go away.
Let me back up. I’ve worked the same front desk admin job at a dentist’s office for five years. It’s fine. I know where the extra printer paper is hidden (top shelf of the supply closet, behind the extra boxes of gloves), I can fix the break room microwave when it eats your money in 10 seconds flat, I get a $15 Starbucks gift card every Christmas and a $50 bonus on my work anniversary. I leave at 5pm sharp every day, never check my email after I clock out, and last week I even got off early enough to go hiking at the reserve by my house and saw a great blue heron standing in the pond. That’s the thing about fine, right? It’s actually pretty nice a lot of the time.
My college friend Lila opened a little plant shop in the downtown area a year and a half ago, and it’s been blowing up. She texted me a month ago asking if I wanted to come on as operations manager – she’d pay me a little more than I make now, give me 15% equity, said she’s tired of doing all the ordering and scheduling herself and trusts me to not mess it up. I met her for lunch to talk about it, and I was so nervous I knocked over my iced tea all over her notebook full of order spreadsheets. I spent 10 minutes dabbing at it with napkins, turning bright red, and she just laughed and said no harm done, just think it over and get back to her. That was two weeks ago. I haven’t texted her back.
I don’t know why I’m like this. When I was 12 I fell off my bike on the way to the library, scraped my knee open so bad blood was running down my ankle into my sock, and a lady in a minivan pulled over and asked if I wanted to use her phone to call my mom or get a band-aid, and I just said no I’m fine and walked a mile home anyway. I didn’t want to be a bother. That’s the thing, isn’t it? I love helping people. When my roommate broke up with her girlfriend last month, I stayed up until 2am eating mint chocolate chip ice cream and listening to her cry, I helped her move all her stuff out of her ex’s apartment on a Sunday morning when I could’ve been napping. No big deal, I like being the person people can come to. But when it’s me needing something? I’d rather walk a mile with a bleeding knee than ask.
Everyone I’ve accidentally half-told this to has given me the same generic stuff. My mom says just follow your gut. My gut says eat another cookie and take a nap, not make a big life changing decision. My roommate says you’re only young once, take the risk. Cool, but I still have $12,000 in student loans left, my car just needs $800 brakes I can barely afford right now, and if the shop flops in a year I have to go interview for another admin job, and I hate interviews. I once cried in the lobby of a physical therapy clinic after an interview because the interviewer was 20 minutes late and I just sat there sweating and feeling stupid the whole time, and I don’t want to do that again.
I made a pros and cons list last night, like that’s supposed to help. Let’s see, pros: I get to be around plants all day, I don’t have to listen to Larry from the dental supply company hit on me every time he drops off orders, I get to build something with a friend instead of just checking people in for cleanings. Cons: I have to work weekends, it’s 20 minutes further from my apartment so my commute would double, if the shop doesn’t grow like Lila thinks it will I might have to take a pay cut eventually, I lose my pretty solid health insurance if it folds. I crossed out the Larry pro halfway through because I thought it was too silly, then wrote it back in bigger letters because it’s actually a huge pro. Larry calls me “hon” and asks about my love life every single time, it’s awful.
I went to the shop last Saturday when Lila wasn’t working, just to scope it out. It smells like citrus and potting soil, there’s a little rescue cat that hangs out by the register, all the plants are labeled with little handwritten notes. It looks so perfect on her Instagram, right? But I saw the back room, there were boxes stacked to the ceiling, a leak under the sink that someone had put a bucket under, a whole stack of invoices that hadn’t been filed. I ran into Lila there later, actually, she was on the phone with the delivery company, voice tight, because a whole order of succulents was two days late for a pop-up event she had that weekend. That’s the part no one posts, isn’t it? The messy back room, the tense phone calls, the panic when something goes wrong. I want the nice smelling front room, but I don’t know if I want the back room that comes with it.
I don’t even know if I’m only asking if I should take the job or not, really. I guess I’m asking… how do you do it? How do you stop feeling like any big change is just you being greedy, or reckless, for leaving a perfectly fine thing? How do you ask for what you want without feeling like you’re burdening everyone around you? I started texting my cousin, who quit her corporate job to open a bakery three years ago, three different times, and deleted every text. I didn’t want to bug her when she’s busy filling orders every weekend. I didn’t want her to think I’m just another person who can’t make up their mind.
Mochi just jumped up on the table and stepped on my keyboard, closing half my tabs, so that’s that. The mac and cheese is definitely too cold to eat now. I still don’t have an answer. I just… if you’ve been here, sitting on a decision that feels too big, scared to ask anyone what to do because you don’t want to be a bother, what did you do? Do people ever actually feel ready for something like this? Or do you just jump and hope you don’t land wrong? I’m tired of sitting here staring at my pros and cons list and avoiding Lila’s texts. I just need someone to tell me something that isn’t “follow your gut” or “take the risk”. Something real.
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