Boys’ Locker Rooms Aren’t Real, And I’ve Got The Stall-Hiding Receipts
I was scrolling TikTok last night and saw a clip from some 90s teen movie where the whole cast of jocks is running around the locker room naked, slapping each other on the ass, yelling about cheerleaders and homecoming, like it’s the most normal thing in the world. No one’s awkward, no one’s covering up, everyone’s just raw unfiltered bro energy. I paused the video and stared at it for a minute, because I’ve been going into boys’ and men’s locker rooms for 12 years—gym class, high school football practice, college rec center, adult softball league—and I have never once seen anything that even looks like that.
Let me get specific. Tenth grade PE, first day. I’d already worked myself up into a panic about it, because all the TV and movies told me this was where you proved you were one of the guys, where you didn’t care about being naked around other people, where the real talking happened. I’d just had a growth spurt that left me all lanky, with random chest acne that I was convinced everyone would stare at, so I planned my whole shower routine out the night before. Get in, wash fast, get out, wrap towel before anyone sees anything. I get out of the shower, towel wrapped tight, and look around. There are 22 guys in my PE class. Three are showering. One of those three is the varsity wrestler who basically lives in the locker room anyway. The other 19? All still wearing their gym shirts and shorts, dousing themselves in Speed Stick over their sweat, shoving their cleats in their bags as fast as they can to get out to the parking lot 10 minutes early. No one’s naked. No one’s talking to anyone. Half of them are already on their flip phones, texting people under the lockers.
I forgot my towel once, sophomore year. I’d left it in my gym bag that I accidentally stowed all the way at the other end of the room, so I had to walk from the shower stall to my locker, completely naked, water dripping all over the cold tile. What do you think happened? Did someone crack a joke? Slap my ass? Make fun of my acne? No. Everyone actively looked away. The guy who was bending over tying his running shoes at the locker right next to mine turned his whole body around and stared at the cinder block wall until I found my towel and wrapped up. He wasn’t being a jerk. He was being polite. Because we all had the same unspoken rule: don’t look, don’t talk, don’t acknowledge anyone else’s body if you can help it.
You hear all this talk about “locker room talk” these days, right? How it’s this place where guys let their guard down and say all the toxic stuff they won’t say in front of women. I can tell you, in all my years in locker rooms, the most controversial conversation I ever overheard was two seniors arguing about whether or not Chris Farley was funnier than Adam Sandler. The most drama I ever saw was a guy getting mad because someone stole his favorite mango energy drink out of his locker. That’s it. No one’s standing around rating girls or admitting to some big toxic secret. Everyone’s too busy trying not to be awkward to have that kind of conversation.
Wait, I take that back. There was one time, junior year, after the homecoming game, the whole varsity football team piled in the locker room. They were yelling, they were dumping Gatorade on each other, they were hyped because they beat the rival school. That’s the closest I’ve ever seen to the mythic locker room. But guess what? They were all still fully padded up, still wearing their uniforms. No one was naked. No one was saying anything worse than “fuck that other team’s quarterback.” Ten minutes later they were all dressed and gone to the after party. That was the whole thing.
I thought maybe it’d be different in college, right? Older guys, more comfortable in their own skin, that’s what I figured anyway. I go to the gym at my college three times a week, and last month I saw a guy shower with his cotton basketball shorts on. Full, thick cotton shorts, getting them all soaked, just standing there under the water like that’s totally normal. Why would you do that if you’re already in the shower? Because you don’t want anyone to see you naked. That’s why. Half the guys in the college locker room shower with their underwear on, or wear a bathing suit, or just go home to shower instead of using the gym showers. I’ve seen guys stand behind their open locker doors for 10 minutes, holding the door half closed so no one can peek at them while they change. Where’s this raw unfiltered locker room energy everyone talks about? It doesn’t exist.
I joined an adult rec softball league last summer, just to get out of the house more. I was kinda excited, honestly? I thought, okay, here we go, a bunch of 20-something guys, we just played a game, we’ll hang in the locker room, shoot the shit, that whole bonding thing everyone talks about. We lose the first game 12-3, we all trudge back to the locker room. Fifteen minutes later, I’m the only one left there showering. Everyone else wiped their sweat off with a scratchy paper towel, sprayed half a bottle of Axe on, and bolted to the bar down the street to get wings. No shooting the shit, no bonding, just get out as fast as you can.
Wait, I did see two guys have a real conversation once, about a year ago at the gym. One of them was telling the other how his long term girlfriend had just broken up with him, and he was really cut up about it. But they were both fully dressed, standing by the exit, talking so quiet I could barely hear them, and they kept looking around to make sure no one else was listening. So even when we do actually talk about real stuff, it’s not the big open locker room moment everyone talks about. It’s quiet, it’s private, it’s hidden.
Last week I was changing after a run, and the guy next to me was also changing. We both kept our backs to each other the entire time, like we were two strangers changing in the same public bathroom stall. When we were both done, we nodded at each other, and walked out. That’s the most interaction I’ve had with another guy in a locker room in the last month. No slapping asses, no toxic talk, no big bro bonding. Just two people avoiding awkwardness at all costs.
Everyone talks about the boys’ locker room like it’s this thing that exists, this raw, authentic space where masculinity is at its most real. But it’s not. It’s a fictional place made up by screenwriters who need a quick scene to establish that the main character is an outsider, and by pundits who need a catchall for bad behavior. The real thing is just a cold, smelly room with sticky floors and mold in the shower grout, where everyone is too insecure and too polite to be the person the myth says they should be. So yeah. The boys’ locker room everyone talks about can’t be real. No one’s ever actually been inside it. (Word count: 1187)
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