Are There Trans and Non-Cis Students In My Kid’s School? A Fourth Grade Teacher Answers
The coffee in my paper cup had gone cold an hour earlier, and I was folding up the snack sign-up sheet when she leaned against the doorframe of my classroom, one hand twisting the strap of her school-logo tote. She’d stayed after back-to-school night, when most parents had hurried off to pick up babysitters or beat the traffic, and she lowered her voice like she was about to ask me where the bathroom was, or if her kid was behind in reading. “I had a question,” she said. “Are there any trans or non-cis students in this school?”
I get this question at least twice a year, usually after a kid comes home mentioning pronouns or a classmate with a new name. Most people don’t ask to argue, not at first anyway. They ask because they’re confused, and they’ve seen so much heated stuff online that they don’t know what’s actually true in a real elementary school full of 8 and 9 year olds.
I answered her straight: Yeah, right now we have eight students K-5 who openly use names or pronouns different from what they were assigned at birth. One of them is in your daughter’s class this year. She blinked, nodded, twisted the strap of her tote a little tighter. Then she said what she really came to ask: “Okay, so what do I tell her?”
I pulled out the extra chair I keep by my desk for conversations like this, gestured for her to sit. I told her what I tell everyone who asks this: The first thing you don’t do is whisper about it. If your daughter mentions that Riley uses they/them, don’t drop your voice like it’s a secret nobody’s supposed to talk about. Kids pick up on that immediately, and it tells them this is something bad or shameful, before they even form their own opinion.
If she asks why Riley uses a different name than what’s on the old class list from last year, you just answer it plain. You don’t need a college lecture on gender identity for a 9 year old. You can say, “Some people grow up feeling like the name they got when they were born doesn’t fit who they really are, so they pick a new one that fits better. Remember when you decided you hated being called Lulu and made everyone call you Louise when you turned seven? It’s kind of like that, just for who you are inside.” That’s it. End of conversation, unless she asks more.
I’ve been teaching here for 12 years, and the thing that still surprises me is how little kids care. Last year, a third grader came out mid-year as a trans girl, we just changed the name on her desk, swapped out her cubby tag, and that was that. The kids asked one question: “Can we use your glitter name stickers too?” and moved on to arguing about who got the first turn at four square at recess. The only drama came from two parents calling the front office to complain that this was “confusing their kids.”
One small thing we started doing a couple years ago that makes everything easier is we ask every kid on the first day of school what name and pronouns they want us to use, not just kids who’ve already come out. We put pronouns in our email signatures, on our name tags for back to school night. It doesn’t take any extra time, it doesn’t cost any money, and it means no kid gets singled out as “the different one.” For parents, the next time you get that back to school form that asks for a preferred name, fill it out even if it’s the same as your kid’s legal name. That small habit helps normalize it for everyone.
Another simple rule: If your kid misuses a name or pronoun by accident, correct them the same way you would if they mispronounced a classmate’s name that’s new to you. You don’t yell at them, you don’t give them a 20 minute talk. You just say “Actually, that kid goes by they/them, remember?” and move on. If you mess up yourself, you just say “Oops, my bad, I meant they” and keep going. You don’t have to make a big deal out of it, that just draws more attention than it needs.
She nodded the whole time I was talking, and by the end her hand wasn’t twisting the tote strap anymore. She said she’d seen so many posts on Facebook saying schools were “pushing an agenda” and she was scared she’d say the wrong thing, or that her kid would be confused. She hadn’t realized it was just a kid who wanted to be called the right name, same as any other kid. She left that night saying she’d think about what I said, and the next month she emailed me to say her daughter was having a playdate with Riley at their house, and it went fine.
I still don’t always get it right. Last year we messed up and printed the wrong name for a trans student in the yearbook, and we had to reprint the whole section, and even then there were a few kids who already got their books before we caught it. Some parents still yell at the school board about this every few months, and there are days when it feels like we’re taking one step forward and half a step back. But the question “are there any trans or non-cis students in this school” will always be answered yes, now and probably for the future. These kids have always been here, they just get to be honest about who they are now. And for the parents who are scared to ask, the answer isn’t a big speech or a political fight. It’s just small, ordinary steps that treat every kid like what they are: a kid.
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