Will My Kid Get Bullied For How They Look In High School? What I Learned As A School Counselor And Mom
Last Tuesday, I found Lila cross-legged on her bedroom floor two weeks before her freshman year, holding a cracked handheld mirror to the back of her neck, staring at the uneven neon-pink undercut she’d just hacked out of her dark brown hair. She didn’t turn when I knocked and stepped in, just kept tracing the edge of the cut with her index finger and said, “Will I get bullied in high school if I look like this?”
Her laundry basket overflowed with faded band tees in the corner, and a half-empty bottle of peroxide sat next to her crumpled course schedule taped to the mirror. She’d done two years of homeschooling after chronic asthma kept her out of middle school, so this would be her first time in a traditional public high school. She’d spent the last month scrolling TikTok, watching reel after reel of teens talking about getting bullied for dyed hair, oversized clothes, acne, anything that didn’t fit the unwritten dress code of popular teen culture. I’d just finished a meeting with a 10th grader in my counseling office that morning who’d been sent to the nurse with a stomach ache after weeks of comments about his facial birthmark, so I didn’t have a cutesy “of course not, everyone will love it” line ready. I sat down on the floor next to her, because her bed was piled high with stuffed animals and there was nowhere else to sit, and waited for her to say more.
She told me the worst case she’d imagined: she’d walk into the cafeteria on the first day, no one would let her sit with them, people would whisper about her hair when she walked down the hallway, and she’d eat lunch alone in the bathroom stall for all four years. I’ve worked in the high school counseling office for seven years, and I’ve heard that exact fear more times than I can count. It comes from kids with visible disabilities, kids who are plus-size, kids who cut their own hair or dress in thrifted vintage or have acne that won’t go away. It’s not just about being made fun of—it’s about the fear of being completely alone.
The first mistake I see a lot of parents and even new teachers make here is brushing off the fear. We say “just be yourself” or “you’re perfect the way you are” and call it a day. But that doesn’t answer the kid’s actual question. They’re not asking if they’re good enough, they’re asking if bad things will happen, and what we’ll do if they do. I didn’t say any of that generic stuff. I said, “Some people will probably be rude. High school kids are mean about things that stand out, that’s true. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to be like that all the time, and we’ve got things we can do before school even starts to make it easier.”
The first thing I did was pull up the list of after-school clubs on my phone, the one the school sends out every year to incoming freshmen. I pointed out the art club, the punk rock collective, the GSA, the zine making group. I told her, “The kids who make fun of pink undercuts never go to these meetings. The kids who go to these meetings are the ones who also did something weird to their hair over the summer. Let’s go to the club fair during orientation next week, we can walk through together, you can stop at any that look cool before you have to do the whole tour thing.” That’s a small concrete step, not some big life lesson. In my years of doing this, I’ve noticed that most bullying around looks doesn’t target kids who already have at least one or two people who get them. Bullies don’t usually bother someone who’s got friends walking to class with them. They pick on kids who look alone.
For other parents who get this question from their kid, there’s two more specific things I always suggest that don’t take a lot of work. First, if your kid is starting at a new school, reach out to the PTA or the school counselor a month ahead and ask if they can connect you with one or two other incoming freshmen who have similar interests. Meet up for ice cream or a walk around the school track before the first day—having one familiar face to look for on day one makes all the difference. Second, if you’re worried, let the school counselor know your kid is nervous about this. Most of us will make a point to stop by their locker during the first week, check in, and we already know to keep an eye out if anything comes up. It doesn’t guarantee nothing bad will happen, but it gives you a safety net.
If something does happen, don’t rush to demand an immediate suspension or pull your kid out of school right away—first ask them what they want. Last year, a boy named Javi came to my office because a group of guys were harassing him for growing his hair out to donate to his mom, who was undergoing cancer treatment. He didn’t want me to call the guys in or call their parents. He just wanted to switch his gym locker from the far end of the locker room to a spot closer to the coach’s office. That one small change stopped the comments, because the guys didn’t bother him when there was always an adult nearby. The solution fits what the kid needs, not what we think should happen.
Last week we went to the freshman orientation club fair. Lila hung back at first, twisting the end of her hair while we walked, but when we got to the art club booth, a girl with the exact same pink undercut (just a little neater than Lila’s) leaned over the table and said, “I love your cut. Did you do it yourself?” They ended up talking for 15 minutes about their favorite indie artists, exchanged Instagram handles, and already planned to go get boba after the first day of school.
Lila still gets nervous. She asked me again yesterday if people would stare, and said what if the girl doesn’t want to be friends once she actually gets to know her. I don’t tell her not to worry. I just remind her we’ve got my work number saved in her phone, that she can leave class any time to come find me if someone bothers her, and that even if the first few weeks are awkward, that doesn’t mean they’ll be that way forever.
I still worry too. I know someone might say something stupid someday, no matter how many friends she has. But I also know that the worst thing we can do is act like her choice to cut her hair pink is something she should have to apologize for or hide. We can’t guarantee our kids will never get bullied for how they look. But we can help them find their people, and let them know we’re right there with them if things go wrong.
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