Why Your Kid Doesn’t Want to Attend School Reward Events (And What You Can Do About It)
The crumpled neon yellow flyer slid across our kitchen table Tuesday night, leaving a trail of glitter on my half-eaten toast and Lila’s open math workbook. “I’m not going,” my 10-year-old said, staring at her socks instead of me. “Don’t make me.”
The event was the end-of-trimester reward night for the top 20% of students in attendance and citizenship, to be held in the school gym after school on Thursday. Lila had qualified, as usual—she never skips, turns in all her homework, and never talks back to teachers. I blinked, stirring my lukewarm coffee, and my first thought was the same one most parents have: Free pizza, no homework, why would you turn that down? I almost said what I used to say before I started working as a paraeducator at the local elementary: “You earned this, you should go have fun.”
Instead, I leaned back and asked, “What’s the hardest part about going for you?” That’s a phrase I picked up after three years of working with kids who struggle to put big uncomfortable feelings into words, and it works way better than demanding to know why they can’t just go with the flow. Lila hunched further into her faded dinosaur hoodie and started talking. Last year, she’d gone to the same event, and the principal made all the reward winners stand up on the top bleacher in front of the entire gym to get their free candy bars. When she’d stepped down to go back to her seat, she tripped over the edge of a step, dropped her candy bar, and half the gym laughed. Her best friend Mia didn’t qualify this year, because she missed three days of school with the flu back in October, so the only person she’d want to sit with wasn’t going. The gym echoes so bad the loud music makes her teeth hurt, and they only serve pepperoni pizza, which she hates.
By the time she finished, I was kicking myself for almost pushing her into something I knew would make her miserable. I see this every trimester at my school, too. We put on these big reward events, pat ourselves on the back for recognizing good behavior, and then we’re confused when 5 or 6 kids who qualified don’t want to come. Most people assume they’re ungrateful, or they didn’t really earn the spot anyway, or they just want to skip out to do nothing. That’s almost never true. Every kid I’ve seen opt out of a reward event has a very specific, very reasonable reason they don’t want to be there.
I texted Lila’s teacher that night, not to complain, just to ask what our options were. She wrote back right away: Lila could stay in her classroom during the event, do whatever quiet activity she wanted, and she’d set aside a cheese pizza slice for her to take home. That’s the first concrete thing any teacher or parent can do: always offer a low-stakes alternative that doesn’t feel like a punishment. Too many schools treat opting out like a penalty—you have to sit in study hall or the office if you don’t go to the event, which makes kids feel like they did something wrong even when they earned the spot. That defeats the whole point of a reward, which is supposed to feel good. If a kid’s idea of a good time is 90 minutes of drawing or cross-stitch or reading in a quiet room instead of yelling over 100 other kids in a gym, that’s their reward.
What else works? For parents, skip the “it’s only an hour and a half, just get through it” line. That tells your kid their discomfort doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t fix anything. For teachers, don’t force kids to stand up or be recognized publicly for their reward. I’ve seen so many kids shrink into their chairs when we call their name over the intercom or ask them to walk across the gym to get a certificate. If you want to recognize them, do it quietly in their classroom, one on one. It means more anyway, and it doesn’t put them on the spot. If your kid really doesn’t want to go, and there is an alternative available, don’t force them to go just because you don’t want to hurt the teacher’s feelings or look bad. I talked to a mom last month who made her 12-year-old go to a reward banquet because she didn’t want the principal to think she was difficult, and the kid had a panic attack in the parking lot before they even went in. That’s not worth it.
If the only option is going, work out an exit plan with your kid and the teacher. Tell your kid they can text you at any time if it’s too much, and you’ll come pick them up no questions asked. Ask the teacher to let your kid sit in a quiet spot away from the loud speakers, and let them leave the gym for five minutes if they need to breathe. That gives them control, which takes most of the pressure off.
The Thursday of the event, I picked Lila up at the end of the day, and she was grinning. She’d spent the whole time working on her cross-stitch for Grandma’s birthday, colored with another girl who also opted out, and had her whole slice of cheese pizza to herself in the quiet classroom. No tripping, no yelling, no standing on bleachers. She said it was the best after school she’d had all month.
Next trimester, there will be another reward event, and Lila might choose to opt out again. I still sometimes second-guess myself, wonder if I’m teaching her to run from hard things instead of working through them. But then I think about the work holiday party I skipped last month, because I don’t like loud crowded restaurants and I’d rather stay home and eat takeout with my family. Why would I expect my kid to push through discomfort for a reward that was never designed to fit her, when I won’t do the same for myself?
We haven’t fixed the whole system of one-size-fits-all school rewards, and we probably won’t any time soon. But so far, stopping to ask what Lila actually wants, instead of assuming we know what’s best for her, is working pretty well. Some rewards don’t come in the form of a pizza party in a loud gym. Sometimes the best reward is getting to do exactly what makes you feel calm and happy.
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