Why We Should Ask Our Daughters (And Sons) This Simple Question Every Day
Last Tuesday, I waited by the elementary school bike rack, half scrolling through my phone to cross off milk and bread from my grocery list, when my 8-year-old Lila came barrelling out, pigtails askew, grass stains blotted across one knee of her white knee-high socks. I buckled her into her car seat, stopped at the corner gas station for blue raspberry slushies like we do on early release days, and on a whim, I posted a quick, off-the-cuff question to my small parent Facebook group: Just have a simple question for all girls (boys can also answer if interested): When was the last time someone asked you if you had fun today?
I expected a handful of quick replies, but by that night, there were over 300 comments. Most came from adult women first. A 37-year-old mom of two said the last time anyone asked her that was at a Christmas party two years prior. A 22-year-old college student said her check-in texts from her parents are always about exam scores and internship applications, never fun. Then preteen and teen girls started commenting: one 13-year-old said the only questions her grandma asks her are about her report card and whether she’s staying out of trouble. A 10-year-old who follows the group said her dad asks her brother every day if he had fun at soccer practice, but asks her if she finished her homework before dinner.
That tracks with what I see as a part-time paraeducator at the local middle school two days a week. Last month, I stood by the gym door waiting for my student to finish after-school art club, and watched a stream of parents meet their kids coming out of parent-teacher conferences. Out of eight parents with daughters that passed me, seven led with some version of a question about grades, missing work, or teacher feedback. The only dad leading with a fun question was meeting his son, who’d been talking all week about the new skate ramp the PTA built by the playground. His first words were “Did you get a chance to test the ramp out after school?”
I’m not saying grades and homework and responsibilities don’t matter. They do. But what I’ve noticed, as a parent and as someone who works with kids, is that we start training girls to prioritize productivity over joy really early. We praise them for being quiet, for being good, for turning their work in on time, way more often than we praise them for running around laughing or drawing silly pictures or wasting time with their friends. That simple question just cuts through all that noise. It says “Who you are and what you enjoy matters more than what you checked off your list today.”
I started shifting my own habit a year ago, and I’ve tweaked it to be as low-effort as possible. Instead of leading with questions about school work or chores when Lila gets in the car, I ask “Did you have fun today?” first. It takes 10 extra seconds, no planning required. At work, I now start every check-in with my students that way, before we talk about missing assignments or behavior plans. It’s a tiny adjustment, but it changes the whole tone of the conversation.
A few weeks ago, I was working with Mia, a quiet 7th grader who rarely says more than two words to anyone, to finish a make-up math test. I usually start with reminding her what she needs to do, but that day I asked the question first. She stared at me for a second, like no one had ever asked her that, then said “Yeah. Me and my friend drew stick figure dinosaurs on the cinder block wall at the back of the playground during recess. The janitor didn’t even see us.” We talked about which dinosaur was the most ridiculous for five minutes, then she sat down and finished the whole test without me reminding her once to stay on task.
I’ve found a few small rules that make this work, no big life overhauls required. First, ask the fun question first. Get it out before you bring up the field trip form, the missing homework, or the messy bedroom. The order matters more than you think. Second, if they say no, they didn’t have fun today, don’t jump in to fix it. You don’t have to cheer them up or plan a fun outing to make it better. Just say “That sounds really boring. That sucks.” Half the time, that’s all they need. Third, let them see you answer the question too. When my husband gets home from work, I’ll ask him, and I’ll answer when he asks me. Last week I said “I didn’t have fun folding three loads of laundry, but I had fun eating a cookie while Lila did her reading, so that counts.” It normalizes that fun doesn’t have to be a big trip to the amusement park. It can be a 2 minute cookie break, or drawing dinosaurs on a wall.
I still forget sometimes. Yesterday, I picked Lila up from school and the first thing out of my mouth was “Did you remember to turn in your permission slip for the field trip?” I caught myself mid-sentence, laughed, and added “Wait, first: Did you have fun today?” She lit up and told me her class got to watch a video about volcanoes in science and the teacher let them bring popcorn. If I hadn’t backtracked, I would’ve missed that whole story, all because I was too worried about a form. I don’t think this one question fixes all the weird pressure we put on girls, or that it solves any big developmental problems. But it’s small, it’s easy, and it’s a start. Most days, that’s enough.
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