Why Some Kids Pretend to Be Emo for Attention (And What To Do About It)
I was collecting 7th grade sketchbooks after our identity art project last week, when Mia’s slipped out of my stack and fell open. The whole page was covered in smudged black sharpie, crossed-out pink hearts, and the words “NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME” scrawled in thick letters across the bottom. Two months earlier, that same sketchbook was full of doodles of BTS members and glittery stickers she’d traded with her table group. Back then, she showed up to class every day in a neon pink windbreaker, begged to braid her friends’ hair during study hall, and brought matcha shortbread to share every Friday. Then her best friend started getting into the emo revival trend on TikTok, and everything shifted. Within a week, Mia had dyed the ends of her blonde hair black, bought an oversized black hoodie and chunky combat boots, and started pausing mid-conversation to sigh and stare at the floor when other kids were watching.
I knew exactly what was going on before I even saw her fake a tense, teary moment in the bathroom between classes last month, when half a dozen popular 8th grade girls were hanging out by the sinks. I’ve taught middle school for 12 years, and this cycle never really changes — it was goth in the 2000s, scene in the 2010s, and now it’s emo making a comeback on TikTok, with kids leaning into the sad, misunderstood aesthetic to get the one thing middle schoolers value more than anything: attention.
A week after the sketchbook incident, I saw her lean against the soccer bleachers during recess, pull out her phone, and angle it to get a shot of her frowning at the ground. Ten seconds later, she put the phone away, brushed off her hoodie, and ran straight for the four square court where a group of kids who dress emo were playing. I didn’t call her out in front of everyone. I waited until after school when the hallway was empty, and leaned against the door frame of my classroom while she packed up her bag. I said, “I love how bold you’ve been with your new style lately — it looks like it’s a lot of fun trying something new. What made you want to try this look?” She twisted the silver skull ring on her finger for a minute, then mumbled that all her friends are into it, and it’s just what they do. No big drama, no big crisis — just a kid trying to fit in and get noticed.
A lot of parents email me panicking when this happens. They think their happy kid has suddenly developed depression or they’ve done something wrong to make them this sad. It’s true that you should always take any talk of persistent sadness or mental health seriously, but 9 times out of 10, this is just attention-seeking behavior rooted in normal middle school development. At that age, every kid is desperate to carve out a space for themselves in the social hierarchy, and emo is a perfect, recognizable identity to pick up that gets you attention fast. It’s got built-in uniform, built-in music, built-in vibe — all you have to do is show up and lean into it, and people notice you.
The biggest mistake I see adults make is calling kids out on faking it in front of other people. Shame is the fastest way to make them double down on the act — if you embarrass them in front of their friends, they’ll have to prove how “real” their new identity is to gain back that social credit, and the act gets more intense. Instead, pull them aside one on one, and open with a neutral, curious question like I did with Mia. You don’t have to accuse them of anything. If they’re faking it, they’ll usually admit pretty quickly that it’s just a thing their friends are doing. If they’re actually struggling with something, they’ll take the opening to talk about it.
Another mistake I see is overindulging the act with too much concern. If you drop everything, cancel plans, and book an emergency therapy appointment the second you see a sad post, you’re giving them exactly the attention they’re chasing, which makes the behavior stick. That doesn’t mean you ignore real red flags — if they’re talking about self-harm, or skipping classes, or pulling away from all activities they used to love, that’s when you get extra help. But for the kid who just started wearing black and sighing a lot when people are watching, try giving them attention for something that has nothing to do with being sad or emo. I noticed Mia was good at editing short videos for TikTok, so I asked her if she’d help me put together the clips for our class end-of-term play. She jumped at the chance, and for the past two weeks, she’s been getting attention from the whole class for her editing skills, not her sad act. Last Friday, she showed up to class in that old neon pink BTS windbreaker, and she was laughing so loud during group work I had to ask her to quiet down twice.
Last month, a parent reached out to me about her 12-year-old son who’d suddenly started posting sad emo edits, turning off all the lights in his room, and skipping family dinner. She was convinced he was in crisis and ready to book a last-minute therapy appointment. I told her to try knocking on his door with a snack, and saying, “I saw you’ve been listening to My Chemical Romance — I loved them when I was your age, can you show me what you like about this music?” She did it, and he laughed and admitted all the guys in his skate crew got into emo, and he didn’t know how else to fit in. He didn’t even like most of the slow sad songs, he just liked a few of the popular singles. They went to a small emo show together a week later, and he’s dropped most of the dark, sad act — he just likes the music now.
I still have moments where I’m not sure. A couple weeks ago, a new kid walked into my class with all the emo gear, and I couldn’t tell right away if he was performing for attention or really hurting. There’s no perfect test, no quick fix. Some kids stick with the style and the music after the act fades, and that’s fine. Some drop it in a month and move on to the next trend. All you can do is check in gently, give them attention for the things that matter to them beyond the aesthetic, and wait. It usually works itself out faster than you think.
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