Why Redirection Doesn’t Always Work: What Parents Need to Know
Dinner was almost ready. I was stirring rice with one hand while my four-year-old sat at the kitchen counter with a handful of markers. She was coloring on a napkin, then slowly, deliberately, moved her marker to the granite. I did what I’d done a hundred times before. I grabbed a clean piece of paper, slid it under her hand, and said, “Let’s color on this instead, honey.”
She looked at me, pushed the paper off the counter, and went back to the granite.
I stood there, genuinely confused. Redirection was supposed to work. I’d used it in classrooms for years. When a toddler grabs another child’s hair, you hand them a squishy ball. When a three-year-old throws blocks, you show them how to throw a soft foam block into a basket. It works. At least, it used to work.
As both a parent and a preschool teacher, I’ve asked myself the same question parents ask me in parent-teacher conferences all the time: why does redirection stop working? Why does my child get more upset when I try to offer a “better” choice? Is redirection even the right thing to be doing?
The short answer is: redirection isn’t bad. But it’s not a trick. And when it becomes a trick, kids figure it out.
Redirection works beautifully with younger toddlers because their brains are still learning to shift attention. A two-year-old who is about to pull the cat’s tail can be genuinely satisfied with a soft toy cat instead. Their focus is short. Their impulses are faster than their reasoning. Offering a substitute feels less like a distraction and more like a translation: you can’t do this, but you can do something that gives you the same feeling.
By the time kids are four or five, they’ve become quite good at noticing when redirection is actually about the adult’s comfort. When I slid that piece of paper under my daughter’s hand, she didn’t see an invitation. She saw a swap. I was asking her to stop doing something she was enjoying because it made me uncomfortable. My message, whether I meant it or not, was “your interest is in the way.”
That hurts. Especially for kids who are in the middle of doing something they find genuine satisfaction in.
The key question for parents isn’t “How do I redirect my child away from this behavior?” It’s “What is my child actually trying to do right now?” Because redirection only works when it honors the child’s goal, not just your need for the behavior to stop.
Let me give you an example from my classroom. I had a four-year-old last year who loved to throw toy cars across the room. He did it every day. I must have said “we throw soft balls, not cars” about five times before I noticed he wasn’t throwing to break anything. He was throwing because he wanted to hear the sound the car made when it hit the wall, and because the heavy weight of the car in his hand felt good. He was a sensory-seeking kid, or maybe just a normal kid with a lot of energy and a big need for movement.
So instead of directing him toward a puzzle or a quiet toy, I redirected him into a different kind of throwing. I set up a basket on the other side of the classroom and said, “You really like throwing things. Let’s see how many beanbags you can get into the basket.” It didn’t solve every afternoon, but it worked a lot more than my previous attempts, because I wasn’t asking him to give up the throwing. I was giving him a place to throw.
That’s the piece I was missing at the kitchen counter. My daughter wasn’t trying to ruin the granite. She was experimenting with what marker felt like on a hard surface. The paper I offered was softer, more standard, and probably less interesting. I was asking her to give up her experiment without even acknowledging it.
So what does practical redirection look like once your child is past the toddler stage? It looks slower. It involves more words and less speed.
First, pause. Before offering an alternative, name what you see. If your child is drawing on the table, say, “You’re really focused on that marker. It feels different on the table than on paper, doesn’t it?” If they’re throwing blocks, say, “You feel like you need to throw right now.” Naming the behavior doesn’t mean approving of it. It just tells your child that you see them. That alone can lower the intensity of the struggle.
Then, if a direction is still needed, make it clear and possible. Avoid “don’t do that” followed by a vague suggestion. Instead say, “I can’t let you draw on the table. You can draw on this paper, or I can tape paper to the table so it stays in place.” For throwing, say, “Blocks stay on the floor. You can throw these soft balls into the basket, or we can go outside and throw leaves.”
Notice that the replacement should match the child’s need. If your child is climbing on the couch, a puzzle won’t work. Try a pile of pillows they’re allowed to jump into. If your child is screaming, whispering a new activity won’t help. They need your calm presence first, and maybe later, a choice.
And if your child rejects the redirection entirely, don’t immediately panic or escalate. Sometimes they need to be upset about the boundary. That’s okay. You can hold the boundary and still be kind. Say, “I know you’re upset. You can be upset. The table isn’t for drawing, but the paper is here when you’re ready.” Then give them space. Don’t repeat the offer five times. Repeating turns a redirection into a negotiation.
In our house, we still use redirection. But I’ve stopped thinking of it as a quick fix. It’s more like a dance. I have to read her mood, notice what her body might be looking for, and then offer something that might actually work. Sometimes it works, and she draws on the paper. Sometimes she looks at me like she knows exactly what I’m doing and walks away.
Lately, when I slide paper under her hand, I also say, “The table is smooth and cool, isn’t it? I get why you like it.” It doesn’t always change the outcome, but it changes the feeling. She knows I’m on her side. And honestly, that might be more important than getting the drawing off the granite.
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