Why Kids Say They Have “Literally All of My Obligations Until the 23rd” And What Parents Can Do
The kitchen counter is still dusted with Cheerio crumbs from breakfast, and Javi’s hot cocoa has gone a lukewarm, skin-topped mess at his elbow. I’m folding his muddy soccer hoodies from the dryer when I ask if he’s mapped out the outline for that history project due next week. He drops his pencil so hard it rolls off the edge of the counter, and glares at his open Chromebook. “I can’t think about that. I have literally all of my obligations until the 23rd.”
That’s the line I’ve come to know well this time of year. The 23rd is two days before Thanksgiving break, the last day of the fall marking period, the cutoff for all late work, tests, and school events before everyone heads out for break. The first time Javi said this two years ago, I rolled my eyes. I thought it was teenage drama, an excuse to avoid starting work, another example of kids being over dramatic about normal amounts of homework. I told him to stop moping and just do one thing. He shut his laptop, went to his room, and didn’t do any work that night. We went to bed mad at each other, and he ended up cramming three projects the night before the 23rd, getting a B- on one he could have done better on, and crying over a burnt cookie for the bake sale at 10 pm.
That year I started paying attention, both at home and at the elementary school where I work part-time as a paraprofessional. I hear this same line, or some version of it, from 10 year olds and 14 year olds alike, every time deadlines cluster right before a break. It’s not drama. It’s how a still-developing brain responds when 10+ different to-dos all get lumped into the same vague “due before break” box. When every task has the same loose deadline, they all merge into one giant, unmanageable mass that feels impossible to tackle.
Instead of pushing back now, I wipe the crumbs off a corner of the counter, pull a crumpled receipt and a pen from the junk drawer, and push it toward him. “List them all out,” I say. “Everything that counts as an obligation before the 23rd. Don’t leave anything out, even the small stuff.”
He grumbles, but he starts writing: math quiz Tuesday, history test Thursday, late reading log for ELA, group presentation on cell division, art portfolio check, band rehearsal three afternoons this week, bring 5 canned goods for homeroom food drive, bring two dozen cookies for student council bake sale on the 22nd, science lab report draft, band uniform fitting, and the school food drive flyer he has to get signed by me. That’s 11 things, over 9 school days. When he finishes, he pushes the paper back like it’s toxic waste. “See? All of it until the 23rd.”
I don’t argue. I just ask him to write the actual due date next to each one, not just “before the 23rd.” This is the part that always surprises him, and it surprises most kids I help with this at school too. Three of the 11 are due this week, before the 18th. Two are just “bring something” tasks, not homework or tests that take hours of work. The history project I asked about? He realizes it’s not due until the Monday after break, so it doesn’t go on the list at all. By the time we’re done, only three things are actually due on the 23rd. The big blob of “all obligations” splits into 11 individual lines, each with its own spot on the calendar. It’s still a full two weeks, but it’s not one giant unmanageable mass sitting between now and break.
The next step is the easiest one, and the one most parents skip, because we’re so focused on getting work done. We pick one tiny task that takes 10 minutes or less that he can check off tonight, right now. Tonight, it’s texting his presentation group to confirm what time they’re going on Wednesday. That takes two minutes. He types the text, hits send, and gets to cross the first thing off the list. That small win is enough to take the edge off the panic. Before, every task felt like it was waiting to eat him alive. Now, one is already done.
I used to think my job was to remind my kid of all the things he has to do, to make sure he doesn’t forget anything. What I’ve learned is that when he’s already holding all the obligations in his head, reminding him just makes the blob bigger. If I chime in with “don’t forget you also have to study for spelling” when he’s just dumped his whole list, I’m just adding more weight to that overwhelming mass he’s already carrying. The best thing I can do is help him get all of that out of his head and onto a piece of paper. His brain doesn’t have to work overtime remembering every single deadline when it’s written down in front of him. It can just focus on the next thing.
This trick works for younger kids too. I’ve seen 3rd grade teachers do 5 minutes of sticky note deadline sorting before winter break, and the number of kids who shut down because they “have too much to do” drops by half. For parents, it doesn’t require any fancy planners, no expensive apps, no extra time out of your day. It’s 10 minutes with a scrap of paper and a pen. It doesn’t eliminate the extra work that schools often pile on right before breaks – that’s a whole other problem that needs fixing at the district level. But it takes the overwhelming panic out of the moment.
Tonight, after we crossed off the first task, Javi put his laptop away, ate a chocolate chip cookie, and watched 10 minutes of skateboarding TikTok before bed. He didn’t get three hours of homework done, and we still have a lot of tasks to get through before the 23rd. Tomorrow he might come home and say the same exact line again, and that’s okay. I’ll just grab another scrap of paper, and we’ll sort the blob again. It’s not perfect, and it doesn’t fix everything, but it works a whole lot better than rolling my eyes and telling him to stop being dramatic.
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