Why Kids Bully Over Backpacks, and What Adults Can Do About It
I was kneeling by the playground slide tying a kindergartener’s scuffed sneaker last month when I heard the sharp, clear comment over the clamor of recess. “Why’s your backpack so ugly? That’s the kind poor people have.” I looked up and saw Javi, a quiet second grader who joined our school mid-semester, hunch his shoulders and grip the strap of his faded black pack tighter. The girl who’d spoken, Mia, was already turning to run back to the four square court, her brand new neutral Lululemon backpack bouncing off her shoulders.
Javi hung back by the classroom door when recess ended, twisting the frayed end of his strap and avoiding eye contact. When I asked if he was okay, he looked up at me with that quiet, careful worry only kids get when they’re asking something they’re scared to hear the answer to. “If I went to another school here, would I be bullied just off my backpack?”
I’ve worked as a classroom aide at our elementary school for four years, and I’ve heard a lot of hard questions. This one stuck with me, because it’s so simple, and so honest. Javi’s backpack was a hand-me-down from his older cousin, taped at the tear by the front pocket, with a peeling original Spider-Man sticker that had been there for years. His mom works two shifts at the diner downtown, and they moved into the low-income apartment complex by the highway after losing their home last winter. A new backpack wasn’t in the budget that semester, and Javi didn’t mind it until someone pointed out it wasn’t the “right” one.
That night, I asked my own 13-year-old son about it over dinner. He shrugged and said of course kids bully over backpacks. It’s not just high schoolers, either. In middle school, if your backpack isn’t from the right brand, or it has a cartoon sticker on it that’s considered “little kid,” or it’s too big because you carry a lot of books, that’s all you need to get labeled. It’s never just about the backpack, he said. It’s just the easiest thing to pick on someone for.
He’s right. Most of the low-level bullying that starts early doesn’t revolve around big, dramatic differences. It revolves around these tiny, visible markers: shoes, lunch boxes, phone cases, backpacks. Because they’re right there, every day, easy to see, easy to judge. And because it seems so silly to adults, we often brush it off. We say “it’s just kids being kids” or tell the kid being targeted “it doesn’t matter what they think.” But that doesn’t make the hurt go away. It just tells the kid they can’t come to you with small hurts, because you think they don’t matter.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve tested small, low-effort things that work way better than generic “be nice” talks. A few days after Javi’s question, I heard another kid make a similar comment about a classmate’s patched backpack in the lunch line. Instead of calling the kid out in front of everyone (which just shoves a bigger spotlight on the kid being targeted) I just jumped in and said, “Wait, that canvas one looks way sturdier than my thin nylon one. I can’t fit half my stuff in mine without it splitting. How many library books can you fit in that?” Immediately the conversation shifted from making fun to talking about how much backpacks hold, and the kid who was being teased got to talk about his backpack instead of shrinking away. Later, I pulled the kid who made the comment aside, and I said, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, but when we talk about people’s things like that, it makes them feel like they don’t belong here. Everyone’s family does things differently, and we don’t comment on stuff that’s important to people that way.” No yelling, no big lecture, just a clear expectation. It works better than a forced public apology, which only makes everyone uncomfortable.
For parents, the go-to move when your kid comes home upset about backpack comments is usually to offer to buy a new one. That’s fine if you can afford it and that’s what your kid wants, but it’s not the only option, and it doesn’t fix the underlying problem. I tell parents to start with two specific things: first, say “That sounds really embarrassing and hurtful, I’d feel that way too” instead of “it doesn’t matter what they think.” Validating the feeling first takes away half the sting. Then ask, “What do you want to do about this?” A lot of kids don’t need a whole new backpack. They just want a way to make it feel more theirs. A $1 neon sticker from the dollar store, a fun keychain of their favorite video game character, a patch they pick out themselves is enough for most kids. My neighbor’s 10-year-old got made fun of for his hand-me-down backpack, so he added a giant rubber pickle keychain that lights up. Now all the kids in his class think it’s the coolest backpack in the grade.
After Javi asked me that question that afternoon, I pulled out the sticker bin I keep in my cart for kids who need a quick pick-me-up, and let him pick whatever he wanted. He chose a bright neon green dinosaur sticker, and pressed it right over the taped tear on his backpack. Now he points it out to every new visitor who comes to the classroom.
Last week, a new girl joined Javi’s second grade class. She had a bright pink princess backpack with a broken zipper that her dad held together with a navy hair tie. After the bell rang, I saw Javi walk straight over to her, point to the dinosaur sticker on his own backpack, and say, “I had a hole here too. Wanna come look at the classroom sticker bin if you wanna add one?” She smiled and nodded, and they walked over together.
Kids will still say silly, mean things. There will always be someone who notices the wrong backpack, the wrong pair of shoes, the wrong anything. We still have a lot of work to do to help kids unlearn the idea that what you own says anything about who you are. That small moment by the sticker bin doesn’t fix all of that. But it’s a start. And if any kid ever asks me that question again—would I be bullied just off my backpack? I can tell them the truth: some people might be silly about it. But there’s always someone who’s been there, too, and there’s always a sticker for the tear.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » Why Kids Bully Over Backpacks, and What Adults Can Do About It