Why Kids Always Argue “Am I Wrong Or Am I Right?” And How To Respond Calmly
It’s 7:14 a.m., I’m holding a chipped ceramic coffee mug that’s already spilled two sips on the entryway rug, and my 10-year-old son Leo is standing by the door holding his backpack open, pointing a chewed pencil at a line of text in his beat-up Minecraft composition notebook. “Read it again,” he says. “The rule says ‘no candy eaten before school starts.’ I wasn’t going to eat it before. I was going to eat it after school when I get off the bus. So am I wrong or am I right?”
I freeze. The bus will round the corner in seven minutes, I still haven’t stuffed the cheese stick he likes into his lunch box, and I know he’s technically right. I wrote that line two months ago, after he ate a full pack of gummy worms before math class and threw up from the sugar rush. I was in a hurry when I wrote it, and I didn’t think to add the part about no candy in backpacks at all. I just assumed he’d eat it early if it was there, and I was too rushed to word it right.
I think back to two weeks prior, when we fought over his math homework. I’d misread the teacher’s email, thought all 30 problems were due, and made him sit for an extra 20 minutes finishing the odd-numbered questions when the teacher had only assigned evens. He argued the whole time, I got mad, told him I was the parent and I knew what I was talking about, then I checked the email again after he went to bed and felt like garbage. Another time, at the public pool, he refused to let a younger kid cut in front of him for the slide, said he’d waited 15 minutes and cutting wasn’t fair. The other mom gave me a look like he was being rude, I told him to just let her go, and he looked at me and asked that same question: “Am I wrong for following the rule?” He was quiet the whole walk to the car, hurt that I’d taken someone else’s side over his.
I used to think he was just being stubborn, that he was trying to push my buttons, avoid getting in trouble, or get his way every time. I even mentioned it to his teacher at parent-teacher conferences a couple months back, said I didn’t know if I was handling it right—am I supposed to back down every time he argues, or stick to my guns even when I know he’s technically in the right? She told me this is totally normal for kids his age. They’re not being difficult, they’re learning how rules work. Before this point, rules were just things adults made up that you follow to avoid getting in trouble. Now they’re starting to see that rules are about words, intentions, and fairness, and they’re testing that out. It’s actually a good sign, she said, it means he’s learning to think for himself.
That morning, after he asked me am I wrong or am I right, I didn’t do what I usually do. I didn’t snap “because I said so” and yank the lollipop out of his bag while yelling that the bus is coming. I didn’t argue for five minutes about what I meant when I wrote the rule. I set down my coffee mug, leaned over, and said “You’re right. I wrote this wrong. Let’s fix it.” I took the pencil from him, crossed out the old line, and wrote a new one: “No candy of any kind in backpacks on school days. If you want candy after school, we can keep it on the counter for when you get home. I wrote the old rule bad because I was in a hurry, and I’m sorry I made it confusing.” We did that in less than a minute, he pulled the lollipop out of his backpack and put it in the pantry, we grabbed a granola bar instead, and he ran out to the bus. No yelling, no hurt feelings.
That got me thinking about what actually works here, instead of just cycling between being mad at myself for being wrong and mad at him for arguing. First, I stopped trying to win. When he pulls the “am I wrong or am I right” question, it’s not a fight to win. Most of the time, he’s not trying to be rude, he’s just trying to figure out where the line is. If I messed up the wording of a rule, acknowledging that doesn’t make me a weak parent. It just makes me honest. Second, when we don’t agree on facts, we check them together. If it’s homework, we open the teacher’s Google Classroom together right then, instead of me insisting I’m right. If it’s a rule about a board game, we look up the rules online. If I’m wrong, I say I’m wrong straight out, no excuses. If he’s wrong, he sees it for himself, no drawn-out argument needed. Third, when it’s a social situation, I don’t automatically side with the other person just to keep the peace. I ask him what he thinks, why he thinks he’s right, then we figure it out together instead of me telling him he’s wrong to be upset.
Last week it happened again. We had a rule that he gets one hour of screen time on weekdays after he finishes homework. He watched a 20-minute YouTube video while he waited for me to finish folding laundry before he started homework. After he finished homework, he said he still gets a full hour, because the rule says after homework. Technically, he was right again. The old rule didn’t say anything about no screens before homework at all. I used to get frustrated that he keeps calling me out on my bad rules, but this time I just laughed, we added the new line to the notebook, and he got 40 minutes that day.
Some mornings I still slip up. I’m in a hurry, the bus is honking at the end of the street, I just say “let’s go, this isn’t up for discussion” and we both end up grumpy all the way to the stop. It’s not a perfect system, and I still leave most disagreements thinking “wait, was I wrong there?” But it’s better than it used to be. Leo’s learning that it’s okay to ask if you’re right, that rules aren’t set in stone if they’re written wrong, and that being right doesn’t mean you have to fight dirty to win. I’m learning that I don’t have to be right all the time to be a good parent.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » Why Kids Always Argue “Am I Wrong Or Am I Right