Why Is My Baby Hitting And Throwing? What I Learned About Common Baby Behavior Concerns
I was wiping goldfish crumbs off my coffee table last month when my 10-month-old, Leo, reared back and smacked our friend’s 1-year-old right across the cheek. The other mom froze for half a second, then laughed it off and said “babies do that!” but I felt my face burn from the collarbone up. I pulled Leo back into my lap, mumbled the automatic “no hitting, that’s ouchie” and he grinned, kicking his legs, and reached out to do it again.
That wasn’t even the first behavior that had me up at 2 a.m. scrolling parenting forums. A week before that, he’d headbutted our hardwood floor so hard he got a little bruise on his forehead because I wouldn’t let him chew on my pothos. He throws his spoon across the kitchen every single time he finishes eating, no matter how many times I say “please don’t throw.” He screams so loud when I walk out of the room to get the mail that neighbors have knocked to check if everything’s okay. I made a running list in my notes app of all the “concerning” behaviors, and by the time we rolled around to his 12-month well-baby check, I was ready to ask if we needed to do some sort of evaluation.
Dr. Rao, our pediatrician who’s been working with little kids for 20 years, leaned back against the exam table and listened while I rambled through my whole list. When I finished, she asked one question: “How many words can he say right now?” I counted: dada, hi, that’s it. She nodded. That’s the thing no one tells you when you’re reading all those alarmist posts online, she said. A baby’s muscles and motor skills develop way faster than their ability to talk. At 10 to 18 months, almost all these “naughty” behaviors are just communication. They can’t say “I’m so excited to see you I can’t stand it” or “this sock is too tight and I’m so mad” or “I want that toy you have and I don’t know how to ask for it” so they hit, or throw, or bang their head. It’s not aggression, it’s not a sign of bad boundaries, it’s just a developmental gap.
She gave me three small things to try, no big lifestyle changes or strict discipline routines, which was a relief. First, when you see them gearing up to hit, don’t yell and don’t pull away too fast. Just gently catch their hand before it connects, then guide it to a soft touch. Say out loud “we touch gently” and let them feel what gentle is on your arm or the other person’s shoulder. I started doing this the next day. The first four times I tried, Leo fought it and tried to yank his hand away to hit me. But after a week of doing it every single time, I started to see a shift. Last week, he got mad that I took the TV remote away, reared back to hit my arm, then stopped halfway, and patted my hand instead. It was small, but it worked.
Second, for throwing everything from spoons to sippy cups: throwing isn’t misbehavior for babies this age. It’s them learning cause and effect—they drop something, it makes a noise, it moves, someone reacts. It’s fun for them, it’s how they learn. Instead of fighting it, give them a specific place where throwing is allowed. I cleared out the bottom shelf of our living room bookcase, filled it with soft foam blocks and plastic balls, and now when he throws his spoon at dinner, I just say “spoons stay at the table. When we’re done eating, you can go throw your blocks.” I don’t give him a big lecture, I don’t put him in time out. If he throws it again, I just take the spoon and end mealtime. He’s thrown it fewer times every week since we started.
Third, for the screaming when I leave the room: I used to sneak out when he was distracted, because I thought if I said goodbye he’d cry. She told me to stop that. Sneaking out makes them think you can disappear any time without warning, which makes them more anxious, not less. Now, every single time I leave the room, even just to go to the bathroom or get a glass of water, I say “bye bye Leo, I’m coming right back” and then I go. No long goodbyes, just a quick line. He still fusses sometimes if he’s tired, but most of the time he just babbles and plays with his stacking rings while I’m gone.
We had another playdate at our house last week. Leo spotted the same 1-year-old’s stuffed elephant and made a beeline for it. He grabbed for the elephant, and I saw his shoulder tense up, ready to swing. I held my breath, and he glanced over at me, then patted the other kid’s arm before grabbing the toy. The other kid took it back two seconds later, and Leo fussed, but no one got hit. It wasn’t a perfect moment, but it was progress.
I still get that little twinge of embarrassment when Leo hits someone at the grocery store or the park. I still have nights where I scroll through my notes app and wonder if I’m missing something. Some days he still throws his spoon three times in one meal, and some days he headbutts my chin when he’s overtired. But I stopped calling these behaviors concerning, for the most part. They’re just what babies do, when they’re learning how to be people one small step at a time. Some days that’s enough.
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