Why does my teenager go back and forth on every decision? Practical tips for parents
The dishwasher hums through its dry cycle Saturday morning, I’m stirring cinnamon into oatmeal when my 16-year-old Lila leans against the counter, socks with holes at the toes, and says, “I quit the coffee shop job.”
I don’t look up right away. I’ve been here before. “Okay,” I say.
Twenty minutes later, she’s hovering by the fridge, holding a bottle of iced tea. “Wait, no. Quitting is dumb. I just need to stop working the opening shifts on Saturday. Right? What do you think I should do?”
An hour after that, she’s shoving her phone into her crossbody bag, saying she’s heading in early to talk to her manager before her shift. Ten minutes after that, she’s collapsed onto the living room couch, scrolling TikTok, and mumbles that the whole job is stupid anyway, why does she even need extra money when I feed her and buy her clothes.
That’s the back and forth, isn’t it? One minute one decision, the next the opposite, and you’re caught in the middle wondering when they’ll just pick something and stick with it. I used to lose my patience over it. Two years ago, when she spent three days going back and forth on whether to join the varsity cross country team, I finally snapped and said, “Just make up your mind already. You’re driving me crazy.” She shut down, didn’t talk about it for two days, and ended up not joining even though I later found out she really wanted to.
A year later, when she went back and forth for a week on switching from drawing to pottery in art class, I tried the other approach: I jumped in and solved it. I emailed the teacher, filled out the schedule change form, got it all done. Two weeks later she was moping around the house saying she hated pottery and missed her old teacher, and it was all my fault for pushing her to switch. I got defensive, we fought for an hour, and I left the conversation realizing I’d gotten it wrong both times.
I used to think the back and forth was just Lila being flaky, or scared of making a mistake, or trying to get me to do the hard work for her. What I’ve figured out over the last year is that it’s not about that at all. It’s just how teenagers practice making big (and small) choices on their own, when they’re no longer okay with us just picking for them, but they’re not quite ready to do it entirely alone.
When they’re little, you pick everything. What cereal they eat, what shirt they wear, what activities they sign up for. By 14, 15, 16, they know they’re supposed to be picking their own stuff now, but it’s terrifying. Every choice feels like it’s going to define them forever. If I pick the wrong job, I’ll never get another one. If I pick the wrong class, I’ll ruin my transcript. If I pick the wrong friend group, I’ll be miserable for the next two years. The back and forth is them testing every angle in a safe space, with no real consequences, before they have to go out and act on the decision.
I’ve picked up a few small, concrete things that make this easier, for both of us, that don’t require any big life changes. The first is I don’t ask “What do you want to do?” That puts all the pressure on them right when they’re already overwhelmed. Instead I say, “Tell me what’s good about this option, and what sucks about it.” That gets them talking through it without me having to give an answer, and usually they work through it out loud faster than if I’m chiming in.
The second thing is I set a clear boundary around whether I’m giving advice or just listening. If they start bouncing ideas off me before they’ve asked for my input, I just say, “I’m just listening right now unless you want me to share what I think.” That keeps me from jumping in and solving it when they just want to talk it through, and it lets them know they’re in control.
Third, I don’t call it indecisive or flaky, even when I’m frustrated. I used to joke that she could never make up her mind, and I realized it just made her defensive and less likely to come to me the next time she’s working through something. Now I just name it: “It’s really hard to pick when both options have good and bad parts.” That’s it.
Fourth, if the back and forth is dragging on and I have other stuff I need to get done, I set a clear time limit. When she was going back and forth last week about whether she was coming to my grandma’s 80th birthday, I said, “I have to call the restaurant with the final headcount in 10 minutes. Whatever you decide in that time is okay with me, no hard feelings.” That cuts the endless cycling without me pushing her one way or the other.
Fifth, if she makes a decision I think is wrong, and it doesn’t work out, I don’t say “I told you so.” I just say, “That really sucked. What do you want to try next?” That’s it. No lecture, no side taking, just letting her clean it up without making me the bad guy.
Back to that Saturday with the coffee shop. After 45 minutes of going back and forth, she finally looked at me and said, “Wait, what do you actually think I should do?” I told her I thought she could ask her manager to swap her Saturday opening shifts for weekday after-school shifts, and if that didn’t work, she could decide then if quitting made sense. She thought about that for five minutes, texted her manager to ask for a quick chat before her shift, and grabbed her bag to leave. That night, she came home and said they swapped her shifts, and it’s fine. Two days later, she was complaining again that the after-school shift cuts into homework time, but that’s just how it goes.
Some weeks it’s still annoying. I still catch myself wanting to just tell her what to do to end the back and forth and save my own Saturday. Some days the tricks don’t work, and we both end up frustrated. I know in a couple years she’ll be going back and forth on college majors, and apartment leases, and who to date, and that’s just the stage we’re in right now. The back and forth isn’t the problem. It’s just the work she’s doing, growing up. I’m just here to hold the space, not pick the side.
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