Why Does My Kid Think All Their School’s Music Teachers Have Predatory-Like Traits? What I Learned As A Parent
I was wiping spaghetti sauce off our chipped kitchen table last month when my 14-year-old daughter, mid-bite of garlic bread, looked up and said, “Mom, why do all the music teachers at my school have pedophile-like traits?”
I froze, sponge dripping on the linoleum, and pulled out a chair next to her instead of panicking. I asked her what made her say that. She ticked points off like she was listing upcoming homework: “Mr. Henderson hugs everyone after solos. Ms. Rao stays after school every day to practice with kids one-on-one. She asked me about my grandma’s surgery last week, how is that not weird?” She said all her friends say the same thing, it’s all over TikTok, people posting that music teachers are way more likely to be creeps because they get to spend all that alone time with kids.
I’ve met both of these teachers. Mr. Henderson drove Lila home from a regional competition two years ago when I got stuck in an emergency work meeting, stopped for a lemonade for her on the way because it was 90 degrees out. Ms. Rao emailed me weekly when Lila was struggling with anxiety before her first recital, checked in to make sure we had the support we needed. Neither of them have ever done anything that made me or Lila uncomfortable, so this take came out of nowhere. After we talked for 45 minutes that night, I started to see why this stereotype sticks specifically to music teachers, and it’s not just random online paranoia. It lines up exactly with how music programs work.
Core subject teachers see 150 kids a day, almost all interaction in a full classroom, behind a desk, in groups. One-on-one check-ins are five minutes max, in the hallway between classes. Music teachers? They do small sectionals, 20-minute pull-out lessons during the school day, hours of after-school rehearsals for concerts and competitions. They have to touch students sometimes: adjusting a violin grip, fixing a singer’s hunched shoulder posture, straightening a tie before a performance. All of that is just part of the job, but it looks different from what most other teachers do. It’s private, it’s sometimes physical, so it becomes easy to frame as suspicious when you’re scrolling short-form videos that rely on fear to get views. The algorithm pushes stories that confirm this bias, so one bad story becomes proof that all music teachers are untrustworthy.
I’m not saying abuse never happens in music programs. It can happen anywhere, with any type of teacher. What I am saying is that the stereotype that all music teachers are dangerous is lazy, and it robs kids of the good teachers who care about them more than any test score. I didn’t tell Lila she was being silly, because fear of abuse is reasonable, and dismissing that makes kids less likely to talk to you if something is actually wrong. Instead, we sorted her observations through a concrete filter, writing on a paper napkin that’s still taped to our fridge. We split what she’d called “red flags” into two lists: normal good teacher traits, and actual red flags.
On the first list, we put: hugs after performances (only if you’re okay with it, which Mr. Henderson never forces), one-on-one after-school practice (the practice room doors are all glass and open to the hallway, right?), asks about your family outside of school. All those things are just a teacher who pays attention. On the second list, the actual things to worry about, we put: asks you to keep secrets from your parents about what you do together, touches you after you’ve said you don’t want to be touched, invites you to their house alone with no other kids or teachers around, messages you on a personal phone instead of the school account. That list was specific, not vague, and Lila could look at it and see that none of the things her teachers do fall into the second category.
This works for any parent wondering what to make of these takes, too. If you’re worried about your kid’s teacher, don’t go by generic online tropes. Check the basics: Next time you’re at the school, glance at the practice and lesson rooms. Are the doors glass? Do they stay propped open during one-on-one time? Ask your kid specific questions, not just “is your teacher nice?” Ask “does your teacher ever touch you when you don’t want to be touched?” “Do they ever ask you not to tell me about something you do together?” Clear answers to those questions tell you far more than any stereotype about a whole profession.
Two weeks ago, I volunteered backstage at the fall choir concert. I watched Ms. Rao stop to help a freshman who was crying because she forgot her sheet music five minutes before it was her turn to go on. She sat with her for five minutes, rubbed her back, and asked “is it okay if I hug you?” before she pulled her in. The kid nodded, and she calmed down enough to go sing. If I’d bought into the stereotype, I’d have looked at that and thought it was creepy. I just saw a teacher doing her job, helping a scared kid.
After our napkin list talk, Lila still teases a little about the stereotype with her friends, but she stays after for choir practice twice a week, and she still gets her after-solo side hug from Mr. Henderson. I still see the take pop up all the time, though. Last week at a PTA coffee, a mom said she was pulling her 10-year-old out of private violin lessons because “everyone knows music teachers are more risky.” I didn’t argue with her. I get where the fear comes from. No one wants to miss a red flag, no one wants their kid hurt. But what we’re doing now, painting an entire profession as dangerous based on what their job looks like, it’s not keeping kids safer. It’s just robbing them of the adults who show up for them, the ones who help them find something they love to do. I don’t have all the answers, and I’ll always listen if my kid says something feels wrong. But for now, we’re keeping the napkin list on the fridge, and we’re sticking with the music teachers who show up.
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