When Your 8th Grader Asks ‘Am I Gonna Get Bullied for Wearing Ts’ – Parenting and Teacher Tips
Last Tuesday I was folding laundry at my sister’s house after work, when Jax—her 13-year-old trans son heading into 8th grade next week—leaned against the laundry room doorframe, scuffing the chipped baseboard with the toe of his new skate shoe. He’d been binding with trans tape (the “ts” he mumbled about) for six months, only wearing it at home and to his weekly queer youth group. This was the first year he wanted to wear it every single day at school. He picked at a loose thread on his faded Minecraft hoodie for a full minute before he got the question out. That’s the question that’s been bouncing around his head all summer, I realized: Am I gonna get bullied for wearing ts?
I paused mid-fold, holding a crumpled pair of his black gym shorts, and didn’t say the first thing that popped into my head: No way, everyone’s too focused on their own problems to care. That’s a lie we tell kids to make ourselves feel better, and as a former 8th grade counselor, I know it leaves them high and dry if something does go wrong. I also didn’t say the second thing that crossed my sister’s mind earlier that week, when we’d talked about this: Maybe wait a year, just to be safe. That would have told Jax that his comfort in his own skin was less important than avoiding messy conversations, which is the last thing a kid who’s already spent a year hiding needs to hear.
Instead, I sat down on the empty laundry basket next to me and gestured for him to pull the folding chair over. “That’s such a good question to ask,” I said. “I’d be worried too if I were you.” His shoulders dropped immediately, like he’d been holding his breath waiting for someone to not brush it off. He pulled the half-used roll of tape out of his jeans pocket, turned it over in his hands, and told me he’d already stashed an extra roll in his backpack for PE adjustments. He said he’d practiced putting it on by himself three times the week before, and it didn’t hurt as bad as it did the first time. It just made him feel like him, he said, and that was the first time he’d ever been able to say that about getting dressed for school.
Over the next hour, we worked through a plan, step by step, nothing fancy. That’s the thing no one tells you about questions like this: the kid isn’t asking for a guarantee. They’re asking for proof you’ve got their back, no matter what happens.
First, we mapped out all his safe spaces for the first month of school. He has first period math with Ms. Henderson, who’s been the GSA advisor at the school for 12 years. We’d already emailed her a week earlier, and she’d told Jax he could stop by her room any time during passing period, lunch, or if he just needs a minute away from something. We added the nurse’s office to the list—she knows his situation, and has a private bathroom he can use if he needs to adjust tape or take a break. We did a walkthrough of the school last Saturday, when the building was empty, and checked the PE changing stalls: they have solid full doors, not the cracked half-doors we’d heard about, so he can change in private if he wants. We also wrote down three people he can sit with at lunch if his usual group is gone for any reason, all of whom already know he’s trans and don’t care.
Next, we made a simple emergency plan for if someone says something rude or intrusive. Most parents tell kids “just tell a teacher” which is vague and doesn’t help a kid who’s caught off guard in the hallway. We practiced one short line he can use any time: “That’s none of your business.” Then he can walk straight to the nearest safe space, no arguing, no stopping to explain. We also made a text code: if he texts me or his mom “Forgot my math book,” that means something happened and he wants us to come get him, no questions asked. He doesn’t have to type out what happened in front of other kids, he just sends the text and waits. We also talked through all the options: if he wants us to go to the principal and file a report, we will. If he just wants to leave early and get a chocolate shake from the place down the street, we’ll do that too. It’s his call, always.
From my 10 years working with middle schoolers, I can tell you this approach works way better than any false reassurance or overprotectiveness. Minimizing a kid’s worry tells them they can’t come to you later when something bad actually happens. Pulling the plug on what makes them feel comfortable in their own body just teaches them to hide who they are, which does way more long-term damage than the average rude middle school comment. The most important thing you can do is let the kid lead the plan. Some kids want the whole class told their name and pronouns ahead of time; some just want their teacher to know where they can go if they need a minute. Neither is right or wrong, it just matters what the kid wants.
For teachers who get a question like this from a student, the easiest first step is to ask what they need, not jump into action. I’ve had teachers offer to have a whole class discussion that the kid didn’t want, which just put a target on their back. A simple “I’m glad you told me this, my door is always open for you” is enough for a lot of kids, if that’s what they ask for.
Last night, Jax sent me a meme of a grumpy cat in a binder, captioned “8th grade here I come (don’t trip me in the hallway).” He still has that extra roll of tape tucked in the side pocket of his backpack, and the text code saved in our chat. I know there’s a kid in his grade who’s made dumb comments about queer kids at football games before, so I can’t sit here and say nothing bad will happen. I hope it doesn’t. But if it does, Jax knows what to do, he knows where to go, and he knows we’ll do whatever he asks us to. That’s more than enough to start the year.
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