When Kids Play Separately From Your Child At Playdates: Why It Happens And What To Do
Last Saturday, I wiped crumbs off the coffee table and glanced into the playroom, where my 7-year-old daughter Lila was hosting her school friend Mia. The rain had canceled our sidewalk chalk plans, and I’d expected the two of them to be hunched over Lila’s new dollhouse, yelling over whose turn it was to change the baby’s diaper. Instead, Lila was perched at the art table, tongue sticking out as she colored a unicorn’s sparkly horn. Mia was 10 feet away on the rug, stacking Lego bricks into a dinosaur spaceship. Not a word had passed between them in 12 minutes, by my count.
I paused in the hallway, hand on the doorknob, already gearing up to nudge them into interacting. That’s what I’d always done before—ask my kid to show their guest the new toy, suggest a group game, fix the “awkward” silence of separate play. Then I remembered the last time my sister brought my 5-year-old nephew over, and my 4-year-old son Jax had spent 45 minutes on the couch watching construction truck compilations while my nephew sorted my button jar by color. I’d stepped in that time, and it only made things weird. So I leaned against the wall, mug of lukewarm coffee in hand, and watched.
After a minute, Lila hummed the theme song from the cartoon both girls love. Mia hummed the next line back, without looking up from her Legos. Five minutes after that, Lila held up her half-finished drawing and said, “Her horn changes color when she flies.” Mia nodded and said, “My spaceship can hold three dinosaurs. Wanna see?” Lila shook her head and said, “Not right now, I’m almost done,” and went back to coloring. Mia shrugged and went back to stacking. No hurt feelings, no awkwardness, just two kids in the same space doing their own things.
I grew up thinking that a successful playdate meant constant, active group play. If kids weren’t playing the same game together, something had gone wrong: my kid was being rude, the guest was bored, there was an unspoken fight no one was talking about. It took me a few messy playdates to realize that for kids past toddlerhood, separate play in the same space is still play. It’s just what a lot of kids need, especially after a long week of sitting in class, raising their hand, and following group rules all day.
Most people hear “parallel play” and think of toddlers, who sit next to each other playing with their own toys without interacting much. But I talked to my friend who’s a first grade teacher a few weeks ago, and she said it’s super common for 6- to 10-year-olds too. Kids don’t have to be “on” all the time, just like adults don’t have to talk nonstop when we have friends over. Think about it: when you have a friend over to hang out, do you spend the whole time doing the same activity together, talking nonstop? Or do you sometimes sit on the couch scrolling your phone while they read a book, or wash dishes while they watch TV, comfortable just being in the same space? It’s the same for kids.
After Mia’s parents picked her up that Saturday, I asked Lila if she’d had fun. I braced for her to say Mia was boring, or that she’d been bored. She just looked up from her drawing and said, “Yeah, Mia’s cool. I wanted to finish my unicorn and she likes Legos. That’s fine.” An hour later, Mia’s mom texted me to say Mia had talked the whole car ride about how it was the best playdate ever, and she couldn’t wait to come back. I was floored. I’d thought the whole thing was a dud, just because they hadn’t played together the whole time.
Now I have a few small, concrete things I do that take the pressure off, for me and for the kids. First, I don’t force interaction when I see them doing separate things. Instead of jumping in to suggest a group game, I just bring in a snack a little while later and check the mood. If someone’s crying or sitting off by themselves looking miserable, I step in to problem-solve. If everyone’s calm and occupied, I leave them alone. Second, I don’t plan one big group activity for playdates anymore. I just lay out a few different options: craft supplies on the table, the Lego bin on the rug, board games on the shelf, and books on the window seat. The kids can pick whatever they want, whether that’s all doing the same thing or each doing their own. Third, I don’t make my kid be the “entertainer” the whole time. I used to tell Lila, “You’re the host, you have to play whatever your friend wants to play,” but that’s unfair to both kids. If Lila wants to keep working on her art and her friend wants to build Legos, that’s okay, no one has to sacrifice what they want for the sake of “playing together.”
I still catch myself tensing up sometimes, when I walk in and see the kids doing their own things. It’s hard to unlearn that idea that a good playdate has to look a certain way. Last week, Jax had his friend over to the backyard, Jax was digging a hole for a worm hotel and his friend was picking dandelions and making a big pile on the other side of the grass. I started walking over to suggest they dig together, then stopped and turned back to my porch chair. Ten minutes later, I looked up and both of them were throwing dandelion heads at the fence, cackling so loud I could hear it through the screen door.
Some playdates are all nonstop group play. Some are half separate, half together. Some are whole afternoons of side-by-side separate play. None of it is wrong. I’m still getting used to that, but it’s made playdates way less stressful for me, and way more fun for the kids.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » When Kids Play Separately From Your Child At Playdates: Why It Happens And What To Do