My 20 Month Old Still Wants Formula: Why It Happens and What Works For Us
It’s 7:12 a.m., the kitchen still smells like the burnt edge of Lila’s oatmeal, and she’s tugging the hem of my worn hoodie, one sock slipping off her ankle, pointing over my shoulder at the top pantry shelf. “Baba?” she says, that soft, insistent lilt she only uses for formula. I glance at the sippy cup half-full of whole milk sitting on her high chair tray, still mostly full from 10 minutes earlier. “You already had your milk, bug,” I say. She tugs harder. “Baba.”
When Lila turned one, I had this whole transition planned. I scrawled “finish formula by first birthday” on the side of the can in messy handwriting, and followed every tip online about transitioning to cow milk. All the parenting accounts I followed said most kids are fully weaned from formula by 12 months, that it’s only for babies, that holding on too long would ruin her appetite for solids. At her first birthday party, my aunt mentioned her youngest was off formula at 9 months, and I felt that familiar little twinge of panic, like I was falling behind on another parenting milestone.
We tried cold turkey first. I stuffed the formula can in the back of the pantry, only offered whole milk in a colorful sippy with her favorite cartoon characters on it. She screamed through three meals, refused to drink anything but tiny sips of water for a day and a half, and I caved. I pulled the can back out, and when she latched onto that bottle and went limp in my arms, relaxed in a way she hadn’t all day, I knew forcing it wasn’t working for either of us.
I brought it up at her 18 month checkup, bracing for a lecture from the pediatrician. Instead, she laughed and said she gets this question at least once a week. Most of the time, it’s not a nutrition problem—it’s a comfort problem. 20 month olds are stuck in this messy in-between stage: they’re running everywhere, figuring out big feelings they can’t name, navigating new rules and new people, so the thing that felt safe when they were little stays safe. She said as long as Lila was growing, eating a range of solids, and her iron levels checked out, there was no harm in keeping a little formula in her routine for a while. That took a lot of the pressure off.
A couple weeks ago, at our weekly playgroup, I pulled out a bottle of formula for Lila before we left, and another mom there, whose kid is a month younger, asked why I was still giving her formula. She said her doctor told her to get rid of it by a year. I just shrugged and said Lila likes it, and it’s not hurting anything. I used to hide the formula can when company came over or make up excuses, but I don’t anymore.
I’m not just letting her have it whenever she wants, though. When I let that happen for a month, she was asking four or five times a day and turning down her favorite snacks, so I made small, slow changes that have worked really well. First, I started mixing formula with whole milk, gradually increasing the amount of milk over time. I started with three parts formula to one part milk, then after a week flipped it to two and two, and now we’re at one part formula to three parts milk. It’s a slow enough shift that she hasn’t noticed a big change in taste, and we’re already using way less formula than we used to.
I also settled into a routine that baba is only for right after we wake up in the morning, and right after pajamas before bed. I don’t frame it as a rule to fight about; if she asks for it at any other time, I don’t say “no, you can’t have that” which just makes her more upset. I give her a specific alternative. If we’re home, it’s “Baba’s for sleep time, want a cup of cold blueberry water in your sparkly cup?” or “How about some cheese crackers?” If we’re out and she’s upset and asking for it, I offer to pull up the short video of baby goats she loves, or give her a tight hug, or hand her a pack of gummy bears. Most of the time, that works.
The day before yesterday, she was running in the backyard, tripped over her toy fire truck, and scraped her knee on the concrete. She was screaming so hard she couldn’t breathe. I tried the unicorn band-aid, I tried a frozen popsicle, nothing worked. Then she pulled at my shirt and said “Baba.” I went inside and mixed up a bottle, and she leaned against my shoulder on the porch swing, and just held it. After three minutes she stopped crying, and five minutes later she was running after a squirrel again. That’s when it clicked for me: it’s never really been about the formula. It’s just her version of a security blanket, something familiar that makes big, scary feelings feel small again.
I worried about cavities at first, like every parent does. I asked our dentist, and he said as long as I don’t put her to bed with a bottle and brush her teeth after she drinks it, it’s no riskier than any other snack she eats. I also worried it would keep her from eating enough solids, but at her last checkup she was right on her growth curve, and she’ll out-eat my husband some nights, so that worry went out the window.
Some days go smoother than others. Last week, we had a bunch of house guests staying over, and she asked for baba three times in one day, and I gave it to her—change is hard for little kids, and a little extra comfort never hurt anyone. Right now, this slow, gentle approach is working. We’re cutting back on formula gradually, she’s getting more used to plain whole milk, and I’m not rushing it. I used to stay up late scrolling parenting forums, panicking that my 20 month old still wanted formula, that I was messing up her transition. Now I don’t. When she’s ready, she’ll let go. For now, it’s just one small thing that makes her feel safe, and that’s enough. I don’t know when she’ll be fully weaned, and that’s okay.
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