Is It Normal to Feel Overwhelming Love for Your Baby? What Parents Should Know
I was sitting on the bathroom floor last week at 2:17 a.m., holding my 10-week-old after she spit up all over the nursing pillow and the living room couch. My pajama pants were damp, I hadn’t brushed my hair in 36 hours, and the only light came from the toilet nightlight that glows the color of rotten celery. I looked down at her, her tiny hand curled around the end of my index finger, and suddenly my chest felt so full I could barely breathe. This wasn’t the stressed, tight overwhelmed I’d felt at 3 p.m. that day, when I cried because I couldn’t find my keys and the baby wouldn’t stop wailing. This was the other kind—so much love it felt like it might spill right out of me, leave me a puddle on the cold linoleum. I remember thinking, does anyone else actually feel this? Am I weird for this?
I typed a messy, half-asleep comment into a low-key mom group I follow: “Does anyone else get overwhelmed by how much you love your baby? Is this normal?” I locked my phone and passed out holding the baby after that, and woke up to 127 comments. Half were other parents saying they felt the exact same thing, and they’d also thought they were the only ones. A quarter were people saying they’d never felt that, and now they were worried something was wrong with them. A handful were the usual unhelpful comments that boil down to “that’s just oxytocin, chill out.”
I texted my friend Lila, who works as a pediatric developmental specialist with new parents, because I was curious what she thought. She said she gets this question at least once a month, from first-time and third-time parents alike. Turns out, almost no one talks about the overwhelming kind of love, only the overwhelming stress of new parenthood. Everyone expects to feel tired, stretched thin, even resentful sometimes. No one warns you that love can feel just as big and unmanageable as any hard feeling.
She said it’s completely normal. For some people, that flood of intense love comes from the flood of bonding chemicals your brain releases when you care for a newborn. If you’ve had a hard time getting pregnant, experienced loss before, or are just more aware of how fast this stage goes the second or third time around, that love can feel even bigger than you expect. It’s not a sign you’re too clingy, or that you’re doing something wrong. It’s just your body and brain building that bond with your baby. She also made a point to say it’s just as normal if you don’t feel it. If you’re running on 45 minutes of consecutive sleep, dealing with postpartum mood changes, or just trying to get through each feeding and diaper change one at a time, love can feel quiet, like a steady routine instead of a tidal wave. There’s no right way to love your baby.
I’ve noticed this hits me at the weirdest times. It’s not at the cute photo shoots or the first smile moments people post about. It’s when my toddler is covered in mud dumping it on his own head in the backyard, and the baby is snoring against my chest, and the grill is smoking and I forgot to buy buns for dinner. It’s when I’m already behind on everything, and suddenly this huge feeling just crashes over me. I used to try to push it away, because I thought it was silly to get so worked up over nothing, or that feeling that much would make the inevitable changes of them growing up harder.
Lila gave me three small, no-effort things to do when that big feeling gets to be too much to hold, and I’ve been trying them out. First, just name it out loud, quiet if you’re around other people, whatever volume works. It doesn’t have to be fancy—just “this is love, it’s supposed to feel big.” Saying it out loud takes a little of the overwhelming edge off, because it stops being this weird unknown feeling and just becomes what it is. Second, if it feels like it’s spilling over, jot one tiny line somewhere—your notes app, a scrap of paper on the fridge, even the back of a grocery receipt. It doesn’t have to be long: “10-week-old, held my finger at 2 a.m.” That’s it. Getting it out of your head and onto something small keeps it from feeling like it’s taking over, and you have it to look back on later when you’re having a day where you can’t remember what it felt like when they were that small. Third, do one tiny, mundane chore right after. Fold three baby socks, wipe off the counter, pour yourself a glass of water. Big feelings of any kind can make you feel ungrounded, and doing something small and boring brings you back to the present, so you don’t feel like the feeling is swallowing you.
I tried this that 2 a.m. night on the bathroom floor. I whispered “this is love” to the dark, wiped the spit up off my pajama leg (that was my mundane chore), and waited for the baby to burp. It didn’t make the feeling go away, it just made it feel okay to be there.
Last night, I stood in the doorway of the kids’ room after I put them to bed. The baby was sucking her thumb, my toddler had his favorite dump truck tucked under his arm, and that full feeling came back. I leaned against the doorframe for 30 seconds and let it sit there. Some days it still feels a little too big. Some days I forget to do any of Lila’s tricks and just feel a little shaky from it. But it’s mine, and it’s normal, and I’m done trying to push it away. I don’t know what it’ll be like when they’re bigger, and I don’t have any big neat lessons to wrap this up with. For now, this is just what being their mom feels like, and that’s enough.
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