Is It Common For Parents To Finish Their Kids’ Chores And Projects For Them? What I’ve Learned
Last Sunday, I was leaning against the doorframe of my 10-year-old Milo’s bedroom, holding my half-full cold coffee, counting down 12 minutes until we had to leave for soccer practice. His hamster, Nibs, was due for a cage clean, a chore he’d signed up for when we got Nibs six months earlier. Twenty minutes after I’d reminded him to start, the cage was half done: one corner of old pine shavings sat in a plastic bag by the door, the rest still matted with old food and bedding. Nibs was tucked into his half-clean hideout, and Milo was cross-legged on his bed, tapping away at his Apple Watch playing Roblox.
I sighed loud enough for him to hear. He didn’t look up. I thought about reminding him again, about threatening to take his watch away, about the 10 minutes it would take to argue. Instead, I set my coffee down, grabbed the scoop from the closet, and finished the job myself. I refilled the water bottle, dumped the new shavings, tied the bag of old bedding and set it by the front door. “C’mon,” I said. “Cleats on.” He shoved his watch in his pocket, grabbed his bag, and followed me out, no apology, no thanks, just chattering about his game plan for scrimmage.
Sitting in my car outside the soccer field 10 minutes later, waiting for practice to start, I scrolled through a parent Facebook group I’m in. A mom a few towns over had posted: “I always finish my kid’s chores when they drag their feet. I know I shouldn’t, but I’m so tired of arguing and being late. Is this a common thing for parents to do, or am I the only one?” Hundreds of comments popped up in the hour after she posted. One mom said she still vacuums her 16-year-old’s room when he forgets, because she can’t stand the crumbs on the carpet. Another said she finishes her first grader’s homework every night because he gets too frustrated and cries, and she works full time and doesn’t have the energy to wait it out. A third grade teacher commented that half the annual projects she receives are clearly finished by adults.
That’s when I realized: yes, this is incredibly common. Most of us just don’t talk about it, because we’ve all heard we should be teaching responsibility, that we should let kids face consequences, so we feel guilty when we step in and finish the job for them. I’ve felt that guilt a hundred times, after I painted Milo’s volcano for the science fair last month when he got distracted building LEGOs and ran out of time. After I re-folded all the laundry he’d stuffed in his drawer because it was messy and I was having guests over.
It doesn’t make us bad parents, though. What I’ve figured out is that most of the time, we’re not stepping in because we don’t trust our kids to do it. We’re stepping in because we’re operating on a completely different timeline. I have 12 things to get done before 10 am on Sunday. He has one thing, and his brain is focused on the game he’s playing, not the smell of the hamster cage or the clock ticking down to practice. Arguing takes more time and energy than just finishing the job myself, most days.
But over the past year, I’ve tried a few small changes that cut down on how often I have to finish his stuff, and they work a lot better than yelling or feeling guilty afterward. First, I build 15 extra minutes into any timeline that includes a kid responsibility. If we need to leave at 8:30, I tell Milo we need to leave at 8:15, and that his chore has to be done before we go. If it’s not done, we leave it undone, and the first thing we do when we get home is finish it, before any screen time or snacks. That’s not a punishment, it’s just how it works. We agreed on that rule together, so I don’t have to argue about it anymore.
For school projects, I stopped finishing them even when we’re running out of time. Now, if he puts off working on it until the night before it’s due, I help him write a quick note to his teacher asking for an extra day to finish it. Most teachers would rather have a kid’s half-done, honest project a day late than a perfect project an adult did anyway. I still help him cut out tricky shapes or get the glue gun out, but I don’t step in and do the whole thing anymore.
I still slip up sometimes. Last week, I ran back into the school to get Milo’s forgotten lunch box, instead of making him miss five minutes of recess to get it himself. I still re-fold his laundry when it’s messy and I’m in a hurry. I don’t beat myself up over it anymore, because I know it’s normal. It’s common for almost every parent to do this sometimes, when you’re tired or rushed or just don’t have the energy to wait.
Last night, I walked past the bathroom after Milo’s bath. He was supposed to wipe down the sink and mirror after he brushed his teeth. I checked, and he’d wiped the sink, but left the mirror covered in toothpaste splatters and the floor by the tub still wet. I reached for the towel to finish wiping it, then stopped. I called him back, pointed to the spots he missed, and went back to folding laundry. He grumbled, but he came back and wiped everything down. After he was done, he even stuck his head out the door to tell me how shiny the mirror was.
I still catch myself reaching to finish his jobs more often than I’d like. I don’t think I’ll ever stop doing it entirely. But it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. That doesn’t mean we can’t try to do a little better, one chore at a time.
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