How to Set and Keep a No Photos on the Internet Rule: Real Parenting Tips
The plastic soccer cake was still oozing blue frosting when another mom pulled her phone up to snap a group photo of all 8 10-year-olds rolling around on my backyard grass. I’d been dreading this moment for 10 minutes, but my throat still went dry when she tapped the Instagram icon and grinned at me. “Tag me if you post this!” she said.
Three years ago, I wouldn’t have said anything. I would’ve smiled and nodded, then spent the next hour scrolling her feed panicking, then awkwardly DMing her to ask for a takedown after Lila saw it. But we’ve had a no public internet photos rule in our house since my daughter Lila was 7, and I’ve finally figured out how to stick to it without turning every playdate into a fight.
It started in second grade. A class parent posted an album of field trip photos to a public Facebook group, and a classmate screenshot Lila mid-laugh, her cheeks full of Goldfish crackers, and sent it to the class chat with a mean comment. Lila came home from school crying, locked herself in the bathroom, and asked me why anyone could put a photo of her online that she didn’t agree to. I couldn’t answer her. At the time, I posted the occasional photo of her too, just to my own feed, and I’d never stopped to ask her if she was okay with it.
That talk changed everything. We sat on her bed that night and sorted out what felt okay: photos sent to grandma and grandpa on WhatsApp, printed photos in our family album, even photos the teacher keeps for the classroom yearbook that never goes online. What didn’t feel okay was any photo of her posted to a public social media feed, blog, or any other open page on the internet. She didn’t want strangers seeing her picture, she didn’t want kids at school teasing her about unflattering shots, and she didn’t want pictures of her floating around online forever when she was too young to decide what she wanted shared.
Early on, I messed this up all the time. I was scared of seeming rude, of being labeled the overprotective mom. I’d mumble a half-apology when people pulled out their phones, and if they brushed me off, I’d let it go. Once, my sister-in-law posted a whole album of our family reunion to her public Instagram, and Lila was in 12 different shots. I waited two weeks to say anything because I didn’t want to start a fight at Thanksgiving, and by then Lila had already seen it. That was the last time I stayed quiet.
Over the past three years, I’ve picked up small, simple things that make this way easier than it used to be. The first change I made was mentioning the rule early, before anyone shows up with a camera. Before any birthday party, playdate, or group trip, I add a quick line to the group chat: “Quick heads up: Lila doesn’t do photos posted online, so if you’re posting any shots from the day, just leave her out! Thanks everyone.” It takes 10 seconds, no one feels caught off guard, and I don’t have to awkwardly interrupt mid-snap.
For school, I add the rule to my opening email to the teacher every fall, and I check in once at the start of each semester to remind them. Most teachers are happy to adjust—they just have a hundred things going on, so a gentle reminder every few months doesn’t hurt. I don’t write a long paragraph explaining why, just that it’s our family’s rule, and ask that they don’t include Lila in any photos posted to public school or class social media pages.
When someone does slip up—and they do, it’s not the end of the world—I just send a quick private message, no drama, no public callouts. I used to over-explain, talking about the teasing incident and all the reasons we have the rule, but I’ve stopped doing that. It’s not anyone’s job to agree with our rule, they just have to respect it. My go-to message is just: “Hey, quick favor—could you take that photo with Lila down? We have a no online photos rule for her, thanks so much!” Nine times out of ten, people do it right away and don’t think anything of it.
We also revisit the rule once a year, around Lila’s birthday. Right now, she still says she doesn’t want any photos of her online. I keep a full box of printed photos of her in my closet, and we share shots with close family in a private group chat, so we don’t miss out on capturing memories. It’s not about being anti-social media, it’s about her being in control of her own image while she’s too young to navigate that stuff on her own. When she’s older, if she wants to post her own content or let friends share photos of her, we’ll change the rule.
Last week, at that soccer birthday party, the mom who was going to post the photo just stepped back, adjusted her frame to leave Lila out by the cooler, and said “No problem, totally get it.” It still catches people off guard sometimes, and I still get the occasional side-eye from a relative who thinks I’m being silly. But Lila ran off to play soccer after that, no stress, no worrying about what the photo would look like or who would see it. That’s enough for me right now. We’ll figure out the rest as we go.
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