How to set and keep a no photos of your child on the internet rule
Last month, I stood at a sun-bleached picnic table at my 7-year-old Luka’s birthday party, prying melted blue sprinkles off the edge of a paper cupcake tray, when I looked up and saw my sister-in-law framing Luka with her phone. He was mid-laugh, candle wax dripping onto his store-bought dinosaur cake, and her thumb was hovering over the “post to stories” button. I didn’t panic, I just called over: “Hey, remember we don’t post photos of Luka online, can you hold that for the family text chain instead?” She laughed, rolled her eyes a little, but tapped out and saved it to send later. That’s how it goes most of the time.
It wasn’t always this smooth. When Luka was 4, a mom from our local playgroup posted a group photo to a public neighborhood Facebook group. Luka was in the background, red-faced and crying after falling off a swing and scraping his knee. A stranger I’d never met commented that he looked “wild and unmanageable” and that I should probably do more to teach him public manners. I got the post taken down in an hour, but it stuck with me. Not just because of the rude comment, but because Luka had never agreed to have that photo, that moment of vulnerability, up for anyone to see. He’s always been a private kid—he hid under the table for school photos in kindergarten, he leaves the room when we video call my parents some days—and this rule started as his, not mine.
I used to just assume people would ask. I’d mention it once at a family dinner and think that was enough. But people forget. Other parents on field trips post whole albums without checking. Coaches post team photos to club social media without a second thought. I had to build small, consistent habits that don’t require big awkward fights every time something slips through.
The first thing I do now is add a one-sentence note to any new group I join. When I get added to the second-grade class parent chat, or the fall soccer team WhatsApp, I introduce myself like normal, then end with: “Quick heads up: Luka has a no photos online rule, so if you’re posting any group shots, just skip including him or blur his face. Thanks so much!” It’s quick, it’s casual, and it gets the information out early before anyone has a chance to post anything. No one has ever minded, and most people even say they appreciate the heads up.
For family and close friends, I have a simple agreement: Any photos you want to share of Luka go in our private family group chat, not on your feed or stories. It doesn’t matter if your account is private—screenshots happen, followers you don’t know well happen, and that’s that. When people push back, which happens every few months, I don’t argue about online safety or oversharing or anything like that. I just say, “This is what Luka is comfortable with, and I’m just honoring his choice.” That usually ends the conversation, because it’s hard to argue with a kid’s own comfort level.
If someone does slip up and post a photo, I just send a calm, quick text. I don’t tag them in a public comment or call them out in front of other people. I just say, “Hey, quick favor—would you mind taking that photo down or blurring Luka’s face? I should have reminded you earlier, so sorry for the extra step.” Nine times out of 10, people do it right away and don’t think anything of it. Once my aunt got huffy and said I was being too strict. I just said “I get this feels different for you, but this works for our family, and I’d really appreciate you respecting it.” I didn’t engage further, and she hasn’t posted anything since.
A lot of people ask me if this is only about stranger danger, and yeah, that’s part of it, but mostly it’s about teaching Luka that he gets to decide what of his is out there for other people to see. When he’s older and he has his own social media, he’ll get to make that call for himself. Right now, he doesn’t have a profile, he doesn’t have a say in who sees what, so we make that call for him based on what he’s told he’s comfortable with. I check in with him every few months, actually—last week I asked if he wanted to post a photo of the dragon Lego set he spent three weeks building, and he said no, he just wants to show it to his grandparents when they visit next month. That’s his call.
It’s not a perfect system. Last month, a parent from Luka’s class posted a photo of the school pumpkin decorating contest to her Instagram, and Luka was in the background leaning over his table. I texted her, she took it down in 10 minutes, no harm done. I don’t get mad when people forget, and I don’t expect everyone to rearrange their whole social media habit for my kid. I just stay consistent, remind people early, and ask nicely when I need to. In a few years, Luka might change his mind. He might want to post his art, or his soccer goals, or photos with his friends. That’s fine. For right now, this works, and that’s all I need.
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