Effective parenting involves more than just developing your own parenting style. It’s crucial for parents to first clarify their values and expectations for their children, and manage their own emotions, before attempting to manage their children’s behavior. It’s important to remember that parenting is a journey and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. Every child is unique and what works for one may not work for another. However, by understanding your values and managing your emotions, you can more effectively guide and support your child as they grow and develop.
As parents, have you ever thought about how we tend to focus on our children’s flaws and rarely turn the mirror on ourselves to identify our own issues in the parenting process? As navigators on our children’s journey of growth, it is important for parents to have a clear understanding of their own values and educational goals in order to guide and lead their children effectively. However, in reality, conflicts and contradictions often arise between parents’ initial educational intentions and the demands of their living environment, leading them to change their stance. That’s why it’s important for parents to clarify their own values first, and have a clear understanding of their expectations for their children at each stage, in order to firmly implement their behavior management strategies. A consistent alignment between parents’ values and their actions in educating their children not only helps parents avoid feeling defeated, but also provides an effective and impactful approach for their children’s education.
Many mothers lose their sense of self when they become full-time caregivers for their children. They take care of their children, do household chores, and provide meals for the entire family, sacrificing all of their personal time. While this full-time housewife lifestyle may seem easy on the surface, it actually ties a person’s sense of self to their family and can lead to silent cultivation in their small plot of land. Over time, the various trivial conflicts and annoyances of daily life can easily trigger their emotions. Using emotions to educate children only serves to distance parents from their original educational intentions and ultimately from happiness. It is important for parents to respect and fulfill their own needs while raising their children. If they are full-time caregivers, they can rearrange their daily schedule and carve out a personal time for themselves, away from their children, to do things that they enjoy and find fulfilling. Only by learning to enjoy life, finding satisfaction in it, and finding emotional relief can parents truly educate their children well.
In managing children’s expected behavior, parents must follow three basic principles: understanding their child’s developmental level, basic temperament, and the amount of time needed for a child to learn a new skill. Lacking any of these can lead to parents imposing their own will on their children without understanding them, leading to frustration and potentially damaging the parent-child relationship. It’s important for parents to give their children the right kind of attention. The need for attention is a basic human need, and children will seek it out in different ways – for example, babies will cry to get their parents’ attention, and older children will show off their accomplishments to get praise. Children who don’t feel loved by their parents may act out in rebellious ways in order to get attention. However, many parents don’t realize that the type of attention they give their children can have different effects on their behavior. For example, a child may show their father a drawing they made, hoping to get praise, but if the father is preoccupied with other things and snaps at the child to leave him alone, the child may feel hurt and go play with a roll of toilet paper, tearing off pieces and scattering them everywhere. When the father sees this, he gets angry and hits the child with a stick, causing the child to cry and the father to stop. From the child’s behavior, it’s clear that they originally wanted to get their father’s praise through drawing, but when they didn’t get it, they turned to negative behavior to get attention. It’s important for parents to pay attention to their children’s positive behavior and give them praise and encouragement, as this will help them feel valued and motivated to continue behaving well. On the other hand, punishing children for negative behavior without addressing the root cause can lead to more negative behavior in the future. It’s important for parents to communicate with their children and understand their needs and emotions in order to effectively manage their expected behavior.
Good behavior in children can often be motivated by positive attention and affirmation from parents. There are two types of attention: positive and negative. To reinforce good behavior in children, it is important to give them both conditional and unconditional positive attention. Negative attention, on the other hand, conveys negative messages and should be avoided or used sparingly in parenting and education.
But what about when children do something wrong? Shouldn’t they be criticized? Instead of criticizing children when they make mistakes, we can take a different approach to teaching them. For example, let’s say a child is not allowed to hit their sibling and is told to “get out” if they do so. While it is not good behavior to hit a sibling, punishing the child by making them “get out” does not teach them how to love their sibling and may even foster resentment and dislike for the sibling. The specific steps to take will depend on the situation, such as assessing the child’s emotions. If a child is feeling overwhelmed and not in a good state to be too close to their sibling, they can be isolated in a place like the balcony or a room to reflect and then brought back to the situation to communicate face to face with their sibling and with the help of the parents. If the siblings are then able to play well together again, positive reinforcement, such as praising specific actions like sharing toys or showing kindness, can be given. It is important to be specific in praise and to give it promptly to reinforce the desired behavior.
In addition to positive reinforcement, it is also important to set clear expectations and boundaries for children. This can be done through clear and consistent communication, as well as setting consequences for not following rules. However, these consequences should be age-appropriate and aim to teach children how to make better choices in the future rather than simply punishing them.
Positive attention and reinforcement, as well as clear expectations and consequences, can be effective tools in encouraging good behavior in children. By taking a proactive approach to parenting and education, we can help children develop positive habits and behaviors that will benefit them throughout their lives.
Focusing on the positive aspects of a child’s behavior can help them understand what is expected of them in terms of showing love and care towards their siblings. This guidance can also encourage children to take on a leadership role, as they feel valued and responsible. However, it is important to note that if a child consistently receives unconditional positive attention, they may develop a selfish and arrogant personality. On the other hand, if a child only receives positive attention when they meet certain expectations, they may lack self-confidence and feel inferior. This is because they constantly strive to meet their parents’ expectations in order to receive attention and appreciation. To avoid this, it is important for parents to regularly show love and affection towards their children, and to encourage the development of their self-confidence and individuality.
Children are constantly testing boundaries and, once they find a successful method of manipulating a situation, they tend to continue using it. For example, they may throw tantrums or cry in order to get what they want from their parents. When children use undesirable behaviors to challenge their parents’ patience, the “I-message” technique can be an effective way to communicate to them that their behavior is not acceptable.
The “I-message” technique involves using a specific formula to express how a child’s behavior affects you, such as “When you [child’s behavior], I feel [emotion] because [reason].” For example, “When you yell and disrupt our conversation, I feel angry because it interferes with our communication.” This approach helps children understand how their actions impact others and can be an effective way to redirect their behavior. It also allows children to take responsibility for their actions and express their feelings in a healthy way. Overall, using the “I-message” technique can help reduce negative behaviors in children and improve their communication skills.
When a child behaves poorly, it is important for parents to let them know how their specific behavior has affected others and how those individuals feel. This helps children understand that their behavior is not acceptable and that it has an impact on others. When they are faced with similar situations in the future, they will be more likely to consider the feelings of others and reduce this type of behavior.
The “consequence” technique, also known as the “logical consequence” approach, can be used to teach children responsibility. This technique involves parents intervening in a child’s negative behavior and explaining to them beforehand what the consequences of their actions will be, with the parents being the ones to enforce the consequences. For example, if a child refuses to brush their teeth in the morning, the parent can explain that they cannot eat breakfast until they brush their teeth. If the child continues to refuse, the parent can follow through with this consequence, even if the child becomes upset. This helps children understand that their actions have consequences and that they are responsible for the outcomes of their choices.
When using the “logic consequence method,” parents must be careful to ensure that the consequence is related to their child’s specific behavior and that they must follow through on the consequence they have chosen. It is important for parents to remain calm and consistent in enforcing their chosen consequences, as this can become an effective way of managing their child’s behavior over time. The purpose of both the “I-message method” and the “consequence method” is the same, which is to clearly communicate to children the consequences of their actions and how they may affect themselves or others. The ultimate goal of parenting is to help children become more independent and capable of solving problems on their own. To do this, parents should involve their children in problem-solving and guide them in finding solutions rather than immediately stepping in to help. It is important for parents to be aware of their own behavior as well, as children are likely to model their actions. By continually working on improving their own behavior, parents can serve as good role models for their children.
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