How to Help Your Kid Talk to Older Students: Practical, Low-Stress Tips
Last Tuesday, my 8th grader Lila slung her backpack onto our kitchen tile, kicked off her scuffed white Vans, and dumped half a bag of cheddar Goldfish into a chipped cereal bowl before leaning against the counter. She didn’t yank out her math homework like she usually does after school, just stared at the cracker crumbs collecting on her lock screen. After a minute of picking at a loose thread on her cheer hoodie, she asked, “Mom, how do I talk to people in grades above me?”
She’s trying out for the high school’s varsity winter cheer team this year, which means twice a week practice after school with a bunch of 10th and 11th graders. She’d walked past their group by the water fountain after practice three days in a row, too nervous to say anything, just clutching her water bottle and heading for the bus loop. “They’re all taller, they drive to practice, they know all of coach’s weird inside jokes,” she said. “If I go over, I’ll just stand there and sound stupid.”
I almost said the first thing that popped into my head: They’re just kids too, what’s the big deal? But I bit my tongue. I still remember being 13, trying out for JV volleyball, and hiding in the bathroom stall for 10 minutes to avoid talking to the two senior captains. Two years felt like a lifetime back then; when you’re 13, a 16 year old isn’t just three years older, they’re a whole different species. I sub at the local middle school a couple days a month, and I hear this same question all the time from kids. 7th graders paired with high school volunteer tutors get tight-shouldered and quiet before the first meeting. 8th graders running for student council won’t ask 9th graders for campaign votes. No one talks about it much, but it’s one of the most common small, stressful problems kids face between elementary and high school.
I didn’t give her the vague advice I’d heard a million times. I didn’t tell her to just be confident, or just be yourself. Instead, I pulled out a notebook and wrote one line on it: “Did coach make you do that insane 10 minute sprint drill last practice too?” I told her that was all she needed to start. It’s tied to something they both lived through, it invites them to complain (everyone loves complaining about practice drills), and it’s impossible to mess up. If they say yes and start talking, great. If they just say yeah and keep going, that’s fine too.
Then I told her the second thing: Short is fine. She didn’t need to go over and have a 15 minute conversation or become best friends with everyone. If she said her line, got a two sentence reply, she could say “Ugh, same, I have to run catch my bus” and walk away. That’s still a connection, and next time she sees them, it’s way less awkward to say hi. We role played for two minutes right there at the kitchen counter, me playing a grumpy 11th grader, her practicing her line. That was it, no big talk, no pep rally.
The next day she came home grinning. She’d stopped by the water fountain, used her line, and one of the 10th graders went on for five minutes about how she’d pulled a muscle running that drill and had to sit out three days. Lila agreed it was the worst, said she had to catch her bus, and left. She said it didn’t even feel awkward. Last month, I had a 6th grader who was supposed to meet his 9th grade buddy for new student orientation, and he was so nervous he refused to leave the gym. We came up with a line for him too: “Where do you get those cool school logo hoodies? I’ve been looking everywhere.” He tried it, they talked for five minutes about how the school store only opens on Friday afternoons, and he was fine for the rest of the day.
The thing no one tells you is that most older students are just as nervous to talk to younger kids as you are. They don’t know what to say either, they just don’t talk about it. No one expects some big, smooth conversation. The mistake most kids (and parents) make is thinking they have to have a whole relationship right away, or that they have to sound cool and put together. It’s way easier to start with something small and specific that everyone can relate to. Generic lines like “how are you” leave room for awkward silences, but something tied to a shared space or shared experience gives people an immediate opening to respond.
Of course, not every interaction goes perfect. A week after that first good conversation, Lila tried the same line on a senior who was late to after school study hall. The senior just nodded and kept walking, and Lila came home a little embarrassed. We talked about it: that wasn’t her fault. The senior wasn’t rejecting her, she was just in a hurry. It’s okay to have a dud interaction, that doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It just means that person had other stuff going on.
Last week, Lila got the email saying she made the team. She came home with a half-used tube of glitter hairspray one of the 10th graders gave her, because they use the same kind for games. They’re planning to get tacos after the first home game this month. She still gets quiet sometimes when the whole group is talking about driver’s ed tests and prom plans, stuff that’s still a year or two away for her. She doesn’t walk past the water fountain anymore, though. She knows what to say if she wants to say something, and that’s enough.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » How to Help Your Kid Talk to Older Students: Practical, Low-Stress Tips