How to Help Your Kid Make Friends at School: Tips From an Elementary Teacher
The bell rang for afternoon classes last Tuesday, and I found Lila leaning against the cinder block wall by the water fountain, twisting the drawstring on her navy cat-patched jacket. She’d ducked out of line for handwashing, and when I asked if she was okay, she mumbled that she’d tried to join a game of four square at recess and the group said they already had four players. I handed her the lemon drop I keep in my pocket for moments like this, and she picked at the candy wrapper while I leaned next to her against the warm wall. This is the question I get more than any other from parents: how do I help my kid make friends at school?
Last fall, Milo’s mom came in for parent-teacher conferences wringing her hands. Milo is a quiet 9-year-old who’d rather sort his rock collection than run around at recess, and he’d come home every day for a month saying he ate lunch alone. She’d told him a dozen times to just go up to a group and say hi, to be more outgoing, to smile more. Each time, he’d just shut his bedroom door and wouldn’t talk about it. She was worried something was wrong with him, that he’d be lonely forever.
I told her the problem wasn’t Milo—it was the advice. Asking a shy kid to walk up to a whole group of talking kids and announce they want to join is like asking me to give a speech in front of the whole school. It’s terrifying, and 9 times out of 10, it goes awkward even for outgoing kids. Instead, I gave her one tiny thing to try: teach Milo to start with a 10-second comment about something the other person is already doing, instead of asking to join. No big speech, just a small line.
Milo had noticed a boy in our class brought dinosaur stickers to put on his pencil box every week. We practiced the line at school first: “Those T-Rex stickers are really cool.” That’s it. No extra words needed. He said it to the boy the next day at math, and the boy started telling him about how he collects dinosaur stickers from cereal boxes. By the end of the week, they were sitting together at lunch comparing sticker collections. It didn’t happen overnight, and they still bicker sometimes over who has the rarest sticker, but that’s how friendships work—they start small.
I tell parents to try another low-effort trick too: send a shareable snack, as long as there are no nut allergies in the class. Swap the big unopenable bag of chips for a pack of fruit snacks or a handful of pretzels that can be split. It’s not that kids are won over by snacks—it’s that sharing something small gives you a reason to talk, without asking for permission to be there. Lila tried this too: I suggested she bring her pressed four-leaf clover book to show the kid sitting next to her at art, instead of waiting for someone to talk to her. A girl sitting across the table saw the clovers and said she collects pressed rose petals from her grandma’s garden. They traded a clover for a petal that same day.
A lot of parents come to me saying their kid is too quiet, that they need to put themselves out there more. But most quiet kids don’t need a big group of 10 friends. They just need one or two people who care about the same things they do. Instead of making them join the soccer team just because all the other kids play soccer, ask their teacher what other kids in class like the same things your kid likes. If your kid likes to draw, I can point out the three other kids who draw during free time, and nudge them to sit next to each other for a project. No big introduction needed, just shared space.
Practice those small interactions at home, in low-stakes places, so it doesn’t feel scary when they do it at school. You don’t need to do a big formal role-play. Next time you’re at the coffee shop, have your kid say “I like your rainbow mug” to the barista. Next time you’re at the park, have them comment on another kid’s scooter. It just gets them used to saying small, friendly things without the pressure of making a best friend right away.
Last week, I watched Lila at lunch. She’s not sitting with the big popular group by the window, the one all the kids want to join. She’s at a small table in the back, with the flower petal girl and a boy who brings his rock collection to school most days. They pass their little collections back and forth between bites of peanut butter crackers, and they don’t talk the whole time. Sometimes they just sit and trade things while they eat.
She still has days where she leans against the wall by the water fountain after recess. Last week, the group drawing murals for the book fair had an extra spot, and she didn’t go over even though I know she loves drawing. Some days it still feels awkward, and that’s okay. Making friends isn’t about turning into a different person. It’s about finding the people who like the same small, weird things that you do. Right now, that’s enough for Lila, and it’s enough for most kids.
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