How to Help Your Kid Get Ahead at a Competitive School: Practical Tips From a Parent
I was leaning against my minivan in the parking lot of my daughter’s competitive magnet high school last October when she trundled out, backpack slipping off one shoulder, and face-planted into the passenger seat. She fished a cold, crumpled french fry out of the cupholder, crunched it, and said, “Everyone’s already ahead of me. What’s the point?” She’d just gotten her course registration for 10th grade, and three of her friends had gotten into the AP Physics double block and honors research seminar she’d applied for. One of them had already posted about her acceptance to a 3-week summer pre-college program at Columbia. My daughter’s plan to work at the local coffee shop all summer suddenly looked like a waste of time to her, she said.
We’d gotten here a year earlier, after 12 months of auditions, practice tests, and application essay edits. I’d been the one driving her to every practice, quizzing her on vocabulary over dinner, so when she said that, my first instinct was to list all the things she could do to catch up: sign up for a summer class at the community college, ask the AP coordinator to switch your schedule, join another extracurricular to bulk up your resume. But I bit my tongue, because I’d already been down that road the first semester she was there. She’d joined four clubs, stayed up till 11:30 every night studying, and ended up with a mild stress-induced stomach issue that landed her in urgent care before winter break. That’s when I knew we needed a new approach.
After that, I met with her guidance counselor, who’d worked at the school for 22 years, and she gave me advice that sounded counterintuitive at first, but it’s worked for us over the past year. First, we cut every activity that she joined just to impress colleges or keep up with her friends. We sat down at the kitchen table one night with a list of everything she was doing, and she crossed off debate, student council, and yearbook. All that was left was the school’s literary magazine, which she’d joined because she likes writing poetry. The rule we made is one activity per semester, max, no exceptions. At first she worried colleges would think she’s lazy, but this semester she got promoted to prose editor, and she’s already working on a feature she pitched about student food insecurity. That’s way more meaningful than showing up to half of debate practice and phoning it in on a student council committee.
Next, we learned to ask for small extensions the right way. My daughter used to think turning work in late made her look unprepared, so she’d rush through a bad assignment or even skip it entirely rather than ask for more time. I helped her write a short, polite template she can copy and paste to teachers: “Hi [Teacher’s Name], I’m working on [assignment name] this week, and I’m balancing it with [one specific other commitment, like midterms or my poetry club editorial deadline]. Can I have an extra 48 hours to turn this in? I want to submit work I’m proud of. Thank you, [Name].” In the past year, she’s asked for six extensions, and every teacher said yes. Only once did she get a 2% grade deduction, which was worth it for the A she got on the paper instead of a C if she’d rushed it. Teachers at competitive schools expect good work, they don’t expect you to do everything perfectly on a rigid timeline. Most would rather have great work late than sloppy work on time.
The third small change we made was adding a 15-minute no-school buffer right after she gets home. Before, she’d trudge in, drop her bag, and sit down at her desk immediately to get homework done before bed. But she was already so drained from six hours of back-to-back advanced classes and a 45-minute commute that she’d sit staring at her laptop for an hour, scrolling, getting more stressed because she wasn’t working. Now, the rule is 15 minutes of nothing school-related before she starts. She changes into sweatpants, makes a hot cocoa with extra marshmallows, watches a 10-minute compilation of golden retriever puppies on TikTok, and doesn’t check her school email or group chat once. That small break resets her, and now she’s usually done with homework by 7:30 most nights, instead of 9:30 like she used to be.
I still catch myself buying into the hype sometimes. I’ll see another parent post about their kid’s latest award, and I’ll feel that twist of worry that we’re doing something wrong, that she’s falling behind. But I’ve also seen what “getting ahead” looks like for a lot of kids at this school: my daughter’s friend who ranks first in our class is on medication for anxiety and hasn’t had a full weekend off in two years. Getting ahead early doesn’t mean anything if you burn out before you even graduate high school.
Last week, we drove home from school, and she told me she got accepted to a writing workshop at the local university that she applied to just because she wanted to go, not because it looks good for college. It’s only two hours a week on Saturdays, and it doesn’t have any big name recognition like the Columbia program her friend is going to. She still has bad days: last month she cried for an hour after getting a B+ on a midterm she studied three weeks for. She still complains that everyone else has more impressive resumes than she does. But she sleeps eight hours every night now. She has time to go get ice cream with her friends on Friday nights. She still likes writing. I don’t know if she’ll end up at an Ivy League, or if she’ll be valedictorian, or if she’ll get every opportunity she applies for. But right now, getting ahead for us means she’s still showing up, and she still likes the work she’s doing. That’s more than enough for now.
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