How to Deal With an Infant While Putting a Toddler to Bed: Real Parenting Tips That Actually Work
It’s 7:15 PM, I’m leaning against my 2-year-old Lila’s bedroom door, my 3-month-old Ezra is screaming into my neck through the carrier, and my shirt is soaked through with spit up. Lila just announced she can’t find her stuffed lamb, the one she has to sleep with or the entire night is off. Three months ago, this would have been my breaking point. I’d be trying to shush Ezra one-handed, tearing through the playroom looking for the lamb, and already working up a headache for the two hours of broken sleep I knew I’d get later.
When we first brought Ezra home, I tried every trick I saw online to make bedtime work. I’d get Ezra fed, changed, and down in his bassinet first, then sneak in to do Lila’s routine. That lasted three nights before Lila figured out how to climb out of her crib, slip down the hall, and fling open the nursery door just as Ezra was drifting off. Then I flipped it: I did Lila’s bedtime first, and left Ezra crying in the living room bassinet while I read stories. That was worse. Lila would stop mid-sentence about the hungry caterpillar, tilt her head, and say “Baby sad. Go get baby.” She’d refuse to lie down, refuse to let me tuck her in, and I’d end up feeling like a terrible mom to both kids—ignoring one to please the other, and failing at both. The worst night was when I brought Ezra into Lila’s room to avoid the crying, and he blew out a dirty diaper all over Lila’s brand new quilt her grandma made. I stripped the bed, Lila screamed for 45 minutes, Ezra screamed, and I cried in the hallway for 10 minutes after both were finally asleep.
I didn’t come up with some fancy system after that. I was just too tired to keep rearranging everyone every night, so I started making small changes that stuck, and they work more often than not.
The first thing I did was add 10 minutes of prep before we even start bedtime. I change both kids’ diapers, get both in their pajamas, and prep everything I could possibly need before we step into Lila’s room. I stack Lila’s three chosen books right on her nightstand, fill her water cup and put it where she can reach it, and tuck an extra pacifier, a burp cloth, and a bottle of pumped milk into the side pocket of my carrier. I don’t leave anything for later. That one small change cut out 90% of the mid-routine dashes to the nursery or kitchen that used to spiral into chaos. No more stopping mid-story to grab a diaper, no more forgetting Lila’s water cup and having to go back, no more juggling a screaming baby while you hunt for something you forgot.
Next, I gave Lila a real, specific job instead of just asking her to be quiet or wait. She’s in charge of Ezra’s extra pacifier. If he fusses during stories, she gets to be the first one to give it to him, instead of me digging it out of my pocket. After we finish reading, she gets to sing Ezra his favorite lullaby (it’s actually just the first verse of her lullaby repeated three times, but he loves it) before I tuck her in. It gives her a role that makes her feel special, instead of feeling like Ezra is intruding on her one-on-one time with me. The other night, when Ezra was crying through the first story, Lila pulled the pacifier out of her pocket, patted his head through the carrier, and said “I got you, little guy” and he stopped crying. I couldn’t believe it.
I also stopped clinging to the perfect bedtime routine I had before Ezra was born. I used to have a strict no-toys-in-bed rule, no extra stories, lights out at 7:30 sharp. Now, if Ezra is having a fussy night and I need extra time to soothe him mid-routine, I let Lila bring one extra small toy into bed, or pick one more 5-page board book. If I need to stop reading to feed or burp Ezra, I ask her to count all the blue stars on her ceiling decals while I finish, which keeps her occupied instead of climbing all over the room or yelling. I used to feel guilty that I wasn’t giving Lila my full, undivided attention the way I did before the baby. But I’ve realized she cares more about feeling safe and getting to be part of the process than she cares about me staring at her the whole time we read. When I asked her a couple weeks ago if she minded baby being at bedtime with her, she said “I like being big sister. I help.”
Of course, some nights nothing works. Last week, Ezra had a 3-month growth spurt, he screamed the whole time we did bedtime, Lila got out of bed four times for different drinks and different stuffed animals, and I ended up letting her watch 10 minutes of Bluey just to get Ezra fed. Both kids were asleep 40 minutes late, and I had to throw two more loads of laundry in that night. When my husband is home on the weekends, we split it: he takes Ezra for a walk around the block while I do Lila’s bedtime, and that’s as close to perfect as it gets. But most weeknights he’s still at work, so it’s just me and the two kids, and these small tricks work more often than not.
I still have nights where I stand in the hallway after both are asleep, leaning against the wall, drinking a cold soda I left on the counter an hour earlier, wondering if I’m doing this right. Some nights it’s smooth, some nights it’s chaos. I don’t have a big neat conclusion to give you, just what’s working for me right now. Tonight, after we found the stuffed lamb under Lila’s bed, Lila did her job giving Ezra the pacifier, we read two of the three books (I skipped the long one), and Lila was asleep by 7:40. Ezra passed out in the carrier before I even got him to the nursery. It wasn’t perfect. It was just bedtime. And that’s enough.
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