Do You Message Your Doctor First Before Taking Your Kid In? What I’ve Learned As A Mom
It’s 2:17 a.m. and I’m standing in my 7-year-old’s doorway, barefoot on cold hardwood, the blue light of my phone washing out the dinosaur stickers on his wall. He’s propped up on three lumpy pillows, coughing so hard his shoulders shake, one hand pressed to his forehead like he’s trying to hold the fever in. I grabbed the thermometer from the bathroom cabinet on my way in: 101.8. Ten years ago, with my first kid, this would have been enough to wake my husband, yank the car keys off the hook by the front door, and drive 20 minutes to the nearest 24-hour urgent care. Today? I open my patient portal, tap “message my provider,” and start typing.
First-time me was so scared of missing something. I still remember when my oldest was 11 months old, he spiked a 102 fever out of nowhere after a playdate. I packed a diaper bag full of extra clothes and a spare pacifier, left my cat locked inside by accident, and sat in an urgent care waiting room for an hour and a half next to a guy with a full-blown flu coughing into his elbow. By the time we got back to see the provider, the fever had dropped to 100, and it turned out to be roseola, a common viral thing that just needed time and Tylenol. I paid an $80 copay, got zero sleep, and my oldest caught a separate cold from the waiting room anyway. That was the first time I started wondering if there was a better way.
Back to last week. I typed out exactly what I saw: 7-year-old, fever 101.8, barking cough that started after dinner, no wheezing when I listen to his chest, he drank a full juice box 20 minutes ago, can tell me his name and what his favorite dinosaur is. I ended with: Should I bring him in now, or can this wait till morning? The on-call provider got back to me in 10 minutes, which is faster than any urgent care waiting room I’ve ever been in. She said it sounds like mild croup, we had a leftover dose of oral steroid from last time he had it, so give that to him, stand with him in the steamy bathroom for 10 minutes, check his breathing every hour, and come in immediately if his lips turn blue or he can’t catch his breath between words. Otherwise, book a routine appointment tomorrow if he’s still not better. That’s exactly what we did. He fell asleep 20 minutes later, woke up fine, and we canceled the appointment I’d already half-booked.
A few months ago, I mentioned this habit to a friend who has a 2-year-old, and she looked at me like I’d said I let my kids play with matches. “What if you miss something serious?” she said. I get that fear. I’ve seen all the same Facebook posts about rare infections that start with a mild cough, all the well-meaning warnings that any fever needs to be checked out right now. But here’s what I’ve figured out: my doctor has way more training than I do to tell what’s urgent and what’s not. I just have to give her the right information to make that call.
Before I message, I do three quick checks that take five minutes total, so I don’t have to go back and forth answering questions. First, I take an actual temperature, no guessing by feeling their forehead. I write down the number and when I took it. Second, I check their breathing: I count how many breaths they take in a minute, I ask them to say their full name, and I watch to see if their ribs are pulling in hard when they breathe. If they can talk full sentences without gasping, that’s a big clue it’s not an emergency. Third, I write down when symptoms started, what I’ve already given them (Tylenol, ibuprofen, allergy meds) and any other odd stuff I noticed, like a rash or a total lack of appetite. That cuts down on 20 minutes of back and forth, and the doctor gets all the info she needs right away.
It’s not like messaging first means I never end up going in. Last spring, my 5-year-old had a stomach ache that lasted 12 hours, wouldn’t drink anything, and threw up three times after even sips of water. I messaged the doctor, and she wrote back five minutes later saying “Get her to the emergency room now, we need to rule out appendicitis.” We went, it turned out to be a nasty stomach bug, but I was glad we went in. Messaging just got us there faster, because we didn’t wait around all night trying to decide if it was bad enough.
Most people I know don’t talk about this, but copays and urgent care bills add up. Our insurance doesn’t charge for portal messages, so I don’t have to pay $75 just to find out my kid has a common cold that will go away in three days. I also don’t have to sit in a germ-filled waiting room for an hour, exposing my already sick kid to whatever else is going around. That alone is worth it.
I know this doesn’t work for everyone. A lot of people don’t have a primary care provider that messages back quickly, or don’t have insurance that covers free portal messages, or just feel better going in to get checked out no matter what. I still get nervous sometimes, too. Last week my oldest had a headache that lasted two days, and I second-guessed myself the whole time I was typing the message. It turned out to be just allergies from the new pine tree we planted in the front yard, but I still woke up twice that night to check on him.
This habit isn’t about being a perfect parent, or never going to the doctor. It’s just about stopping for five minutes, getting an expert’s opinion, before I grab my keys and rush out into the dark at 2 a.m. So far, it’s worked for us. I’m sure there will be a time I get it wrong, but for now, it’s my new normal.
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