Do Parents Actually Have Favourites? The Truth Behind Family Dynamics
When siblings argue, accusations like “Mom always likes you better!” or “Dad never makes you do chores!” often fly around. These comments might sound like classic childhood complaints, but they raise a genuine question: Do parents actually have favorites? The answer is more complex—and more human—than you might think.
Let’s start by acknowledging an uncomfortable truth: Most parents do feel closer to one child at certain times, even if they’d never admit it. Research from the University of California found that 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers in a study of 384 families reported feeling a stronger emotional bond with one child. But here’s the catch: These preferences aren’t always fixed. A parent might favor a child who shares their love of sports during baseball season, then feel closer to another child who’s more academically inclined during exam periods.
Why Does Favoritism Happen?
Parental favoritism often stems from subconscious factors rather than intentional unfairness. Here are three common reasons:
1. Mirroring Personalities
Parents naturally gravitate toward children who reflect their own values or traits. A quiet, bookish parent might feel more connected to a similarly introverted child, while an outgoing parent could bond more easily with a social butterfly. This isn’t about love—it’s about relatability.
2. Stress and Survival Mode
During tough times (financial strain, marital conflict, or health issues), parents may unintentionally rely more on the child they perceive as “easier.” Imagine a single parent working two jobs: They might lean on a responsible older teen to help with younger siblings, creating an imbalance that feels like favoritism.
3. Unresolved Childhood Baggage
A 2020 Israeli study revealed that parents who felt overlooked in their own childhoods were more likely to overcompensate with their kids—either by trying to treat everyone equally (which often backfires) or by unconsciously favoring a child who fulfills their unmet emotional needs.
The Impact of Perceived Favoritism
Even subtle parental preferences can leave lasting marks. Adult children who felt less favored often report lower self-esteem and higher rates of depression. Interestingly, the “golden child” isn’t spared either—they frequently struggle with perfectionism and anxiety about losing their special status.
Sibling relationships also take a hit. Dr. Katherine Conger’s research shows that perceived favoritism in childhood correlates with weaker adult sibling bonds. Those who felt disadvantaged often carry resentment, while favored children may feel guilt or pressure to maintain their role.
Cultural Perspectives on Favoritism
Attitudes toward parental favoritism vary globally. In collectivist cultures like China or India, open favoritism is less taboo because family roles are often more hierarchical. A firstborn son might receive more resources due to cultural expectations, which siblings accept as tradition rather than personal rejection.
Meanwhile, Western cultures emphasizing individualism tend to view favoritism as harmful. This difference highlights how societal values shape our interpretation of parental behavior—what seems unfair in one context might feel normal in another.
Breaking the Cycle: What Parents Can Do
Awareness is the first step to minimizing favoritism. Here’s how caregivers can create healthier dynamics:
– Name the Elephant in the Room
If one child excels in an area important to you (academics, music, etc.), acknowledge it openly: “I love watching you play piano—it reminds me of my grandma. Let’s find something equally special that your sister enjoys.”
– Rotate “Favorite” Roles
Assign temporary privileges based on changing circumstances. For example: “This month, Jamie picks our weekend activity because they aced their science fair. Next month, it’ll be Alex’s turn for something they’ve achieved.”
– Practice “Micro-Connections”
Spend 10 minutes daily with each child doing their favorite activity, even if it’s not your cup of tea. A dad who hates TikTok might dance to a trending sound with his teen, while a mom who’s terrified of bugs could still help her preschooler hunt for roly-polies.
When You’re the Less-Favored Child
For adults grappling with favoritism’s aftermath, healing is possible:
– Reframe the Narrative
Instead of “My parents loved my sister more,” try: “Mom struggled to connect with me because we’re so different. That’s about her limitations, not my worth.”
– Create Your Own Validation
Build relationships and hobbies that reinforce your values. A 35-year-old who felt overshadowed by an athletic brother might join a community art class, surrounding themselves with people who appreciate their creativity.
– Address It Carefully
If you choose to confront a parent, avoid blame. Say: “I’ve noticed you light up when we talk about Sarah’s job. I’d love to share what’s happening in my life too.” This invites change without putting them on defense.
The Silver Lining
While parental favoritism can cause pain, it also teaches resilience. Children who weren’t the favorite often develop stronger empathy, independence, and problem-solving skills. As family therapist Dr. Ellen Weber explains: “Not being the center of a parent’s world forces kids to find their own light—and that’s where true self-discovery happens.”
In the end, favoritism reflects parents’ humanity, not their failure. By acknowledging these complex dynamics, families can foster deeper understanding. After all, love isn’t about equality—it’s about making sure everyone feels seen, even when connections ebb and flow.
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