Do Not Teach What You Do Not Practice: Common Parenting And Teaching Mistakes (And What To Do Instead)
It was last Saturday morning, pancake crumbs still stuck to the edge of our kitchen table, my 10-year-old Jax propped against the fridge with his tablet glued to his face. His soccer cleats sat by the front door, still untied, and we were supposed to be at the field for a pickup game in 10 minutes. I tapped my foot, huffed a little, and said, “Jax, come on. Put that thing down. How many times have I told you we shouldn’t spend our whole weekends mindlessly scrolling? It kills your focus, and we’ve got plans to get to.”
The words were barely out of my mouth when my own phone buzzed in my hand. I looked down, and realized I’d been scrolling Instagram Reels for 15 minutes, waiting for him to get ready. I stood there, coffee growing cold in my other hand, and the old phrase “do not teach what you do not practice” popped into my head, uninvited. I’d heard it from my 10th grade biology teacher years ago, but I’d never felt it so clearly as I did in that moment.
A month earlier, I’d sat in on a PTA meeting where a group of moms were complaining that their kids just weren’t learning kindness anymore. One mom went on for 10 minutes about how her 11-year-old had called a classmate “weird” for bringing a stuffed animal to school, and she’d taught him better than that. I didn’t say anything, but I’d stood next to that same mom in the pickup line the week before, listening to her laugh about how another mom’s too-tight workout clothes “looked ridiculous” on her. My sister, a 4th grade teacher, told me a similar story a while back: she’d spent a semester lecturing her class about responsibility and turning in work on time, until she realized she’d been pushing back her own district-required training for three weeks, and the kids had overheard her complaining about it. She couldn’t figure out why half her class still turned in homework late, until she connected the dots.
A lot of people hear “do not teach what you do not practice” and assume it means you have to be perfect before you can teach anything to a kid. I used to think that too. I thought if I ate a cookie in front of my kid after telling him added sugar is best in small amounts, I’m a hypocrite, and if I slip up once, I have no right to say anything. That’s not what it means, though. It just means you can’t expect a kid to absorb a value or a habit that you never show them in your own life, even if you’re still working on it.
After the moment with Jax that Saturday, I put my phone down on the counter, walked over to him, and said, “Hey, that was a little hypocritical of me, wasn’t it? I’m telling you to put your screen away and I’ve been scrolling mine this whole time. Let’s both dump our devices here by the door, then go tie your cleats, okay?” He looked up, surprised, then laughed and shut his tablet right away. We were out the door two minutes earlier than we usually are, no yelling, no dragging feet. That small shift changed everything for me.
It doesn’t take big overhauls to put this into practice. It just takes small, honest moments that you don’t brush under the rug. For example, I want Jax to get better at saying sorry when he messes up. I don’t just tell him to do it. When I snap at him for spilling juice on my laptop when I’m stressed about work, I go to his room an hour later and say, “I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier. That was my mistake, I was upset about work and took it out on you. That wasn’t fair.” That’s practicing what I teach. I don’t have to never snap at him to teach him how to apologize. I just have to model the apology when I’m wrong.
Another example: My sister started doing this after her field trip date mistake. She’d messed up the date on the newsletter, and instead of quietly correcting it and moving on, she stood in front of her class and said, “Guys, I messed up. The field trip is next week, not this week. That’s my fault, I double-checked the date wrong. What can I do to help you get your planners fixed?” After that, she told me, three times more kids started raising their hand to admit they’d forgotten their homework or messed up an assignment, instead of lying about it. She’d been telling them mistakes are okay for years, but the minute she practiced that out loud in front of them, it clicked.
What specific small things can you try this week? First, if you catch yourself not doing what you’re telling your kid to do, just say it out loud. Don’t make a big deal out of it, just name it. If you cut someone off in traffic right after telling your kid not to be rude, just say, “Wow, that was rude of me. I was in a hurry and that wasn’t okay, that was a mistake.” Second, pick one or two habits you want to work on alongside your kid, instead of preaching 10 things you don’t do. If you want your kid to read more instead of scrolling, pick 20 minutes after dinner where you both sit and read your own thing—you don’t have to give up scrolling forever, you just have to practice the habit with them. Third, remember you don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be honest about the work. If you’re trying to stop yelling, it’s okay if you slip up. Just say, “I’m still working on not yelling when I’m upset, just like you’re working on not pushing your sister when you’re mad. We’re both practicing.”
Last week, I was waiting for Jax outside soccer practice, and I saw him tell his friend to put his phone away during the break. “Dude, we’re here to play, not scroll. That’s lame when you’re hanging out with people.” He looked over at me right after that, and I was hunched over my phone checking work emails. We both laughed. I stuffed my phone in my pocket, walked over, and said, “He’s right. I should know better. Let’s go kick the ball around.” I still slip up all the time. I still scroll when I shouldn’t, I still forget to say please sometimes, I still put off folding laundry that I tell Jax to put away right after he takes it off. But I don’t pretend I don’t anymore. I don’t expect Jax to live by a set of rules I don’t even try to follow myself. Some days it goes smoother than others, but that’s how it goes. We’re all just practicing, after all.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » Do Not Teach What You Do Not Practice: Common Parenting And Teaching Mistakes (And What To Do Instead)