Are You Happy Your Kids Are Back In School? Why Mixed Feelings Are Normal (and 3 small things that help)
Last Tuesday, I leaned against my kitchen counter 12 minutes after dropping my two kids off for first grade and third grade, sipping coffee that didn’t need to be reheated four times. I counted the quiet: no yelling about missing sparkly sneakers, no sticky handprints on my clean work laptop, no one asking for a snack before we even hit the end of the driveway. I smiled. Then I felt a twinge of guilt, because I’d just seen Sarah, the mom from down the street, sitting in her idling minivan at the end of the car line crying.
I wiped my coffee mug on my jeans and walked over to knock on her window. She rolled it down, and wiped her cheek on the shoulder of her sweatshirt, which still had a smudge of applesauce from breakfast. Her youngest had just started kindergarten that week; she’d been home with all three of her kids for the past seven years, through babies and work pauses and the years where no one was in school full time. She told me she’d been scrolling Instagram that morning, seeing all the posts of parents popping champagne and writing captions about “the best day of the year,” and she felt like she was broken for being sad.
I told her I got it. Four years ago, when my oldest started kindergarten, I cried all the way home and ate a whole pint of cookie dough ice cream by myself on the couch. This year, I’m ready for routine. I’m ready to not mediate arguments over who got the bigger popsicle. That doesn’t mean I didn’t get a little teary when I saw my oldest’s backpack is too big for the hook he used last year, when I realized he’s too old to hold my hand walking into the building anymore.
Over the first two weeks of school, I’ve had this conversation over and over. A dad I know who does construction told me he’s thrilled to get his mornings back—his 4-year-old wore him out running around the yard all summer, and his back doesn’t ache as much when he gets to start his workday slow instead of playing tag before breakfast. But he also said he already misses stopping for donuts on the way home from the pool every Friday. A mom whose son has social anxiety told me she counted down the days to back to school for months, because the structure and routine of the classroom helps him regulate far better than unstructured summer days. But she still lies awake for 20 minutes every night replaying his goodbyes that morning, wondering if he’s having a panic attack at recess that no one’s noticing.
No one I’ve talked to is 100 percent happy, and no one is 100 percent sad. We’ve all gotten stuck on this idea that we have to pick a side: either you’re the parent soaking up every last minute of summer, or you’re the over it parent counting down to the first bell. The truth is most of us are somewhere in the middle, and we just don’t talk about it because we think we’re the only ones.
After I talked to Sarah that morning, we came up with three small things that have helped both of us work through the mess of back to school feelings, no big life changes required.
First, stop asking people “Aren’t you so happy they’re back?” and just ask “How’s the first week going for you?” That’s a tiny change in wording that lets people say they’re sad, or tired, or mixed up, instead of pushing them to say what they think you want to hear. I’ve started doing this with every parent I see at car line, and I’ve had way more honest conversations than I ever did before. No one feels like they have to fake a feeling to fit in.
Second, do a 10-minute no-judgment check-in with yourself every morning for the first month. Right after drop off, before you jump into laundry or work, just pull out a notes app or a scrap of paper and write down one thing you’re glad about right now, and one thing you’re missing. I do this, and last week I wrote “glad my house doesn’t have popsicle sticks stuck to the couch; miss the spontaneous trip to the creek we took every other Thursday.” There’s no right or wrong answer, it just helps you stop ignoring the part of you that’s feeling something other than what you think you should feel.
Third, keep one tiny summer ritual if you’re sad to see it go, or embrace the quiet if you’re glad it’s back. Sarah started leaving work 30 minutes early every Wednesday to pick her daughter up from school early, and they get ice cream on the way home, just like they did all summer. It doesn’t mess with her work schedule too much, and it gives her one small piece of the routine she loved to hold onto. For me, I don’t force myself to fill my new quiet mornings with extra chores or side projects anymore. Some days I just sit and finish my coffee while it’s hot, and that’s okay. I don’t have to feel guilty for enjoying the break.
Last night, my third grader came home from school and told me he loved seeing his best friend, but he missed building Legos all afternoon in his pajamas. I didn’t tell him he should be happy to be back at school. I just said “I get it. I’m excited to have quiet mornings, and I miss our lazy afternoons too. You can feel both things at once.”
This week, I saw Sarah at car line again. She laughed and said she still has days where she sits in her car for five minutes after drop off, just getting used to the quiet. It still feels weird. But it doesn’t feel wrong anymore. Some days I still feel that little twinge of guilt when I enjoy the quiet too much. But then I finish my coffee, and I remember no one gets a prize for picking just one feeling. We’re all just doing the best we can with the new routine.
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