Are Kids More Open to Cultural Differences Than Adults Think? Practical Tips for Caregivers
The plastic folding tables in my 3rd grade classroom groaned under the weight of crockpots, tupperware, and a giant plate of chocolate chip cookies when Faduma and her mom walked in for our annual international potluck. It was Faduma’s third week at our school, and she’d moved to our town from Somalia just a month before. I’d spent the 10 minutes before the bell mentally running through damage control: if someone made a face at the pungent lamb and soft, tangy canjeero on her platter, if someone asked a rude question, I’d jump in immediately, smooth it over, give a little reminder about respect.
Ten minutes later, I was still leaning against the bookshelf, half-ready to intervene, when I realized I’d been holding my breath for no reason. Javi, who’d brought his abuela’s pork tamales, had wandered over and asked first what Faduma had brought. She’d torn off a small piece of canjeero and handed it to him, and he’d chewed it for a second before nodding. “This tastes like the sourdough my abuela has fermenting on her counter,” he said. “Tangy. I like it.” By the end of the potluck, half the class had tried a bite, Faduma was laughing showing everyone how you tear canjeero with your hands instead of a fork, and the platter was almost empty. I was the only one who’d been nervous. No one else cared that her food looked different from the mac and cheese and cookies most of them brought.
A month later, I had a similar moment during parent-teacher conferences. One of my student’s mom pulled me aside after our meeting, still looking stunned. She’d spent a whole week working up what to say to her 7-year-old daughter about Faduma’s hijab, she told me. She’d read three blog posts about how to talk about religious difference to little kids, practiced her script in the shower, worried her daughter would blurt out something rude in front of Faduma’s family. Then last weekend, they ran into Faduma and her mom at the grocery store. Her daughter walked right up, pointed at Faduma’s sparkly blue hijab and asked, “Does that hurt your head when you sleep?” Faduma just laughed and said no, she wears a soft cotton one to bed, and then the two kids started talking about the new Minecraft update they’d both downloaded. The mom stood there, her whole prepared script forgotten, and realized she’d worked herself up over nothing.
That’s the thing I’ve noticed more and more in my 8 years teaching: kids are almost always more open to cultural difference than we adults give them credit for. We project our own discomfort, our own fear of saying the wrong thing, our own learned ideas about difference being awkward or divisive onto them. We assume they’ll be mean or confused, so we prepare for conflict that never comes. Most of the time, difference to a 7 or 8 year old is just another fact about a person, like having curly hair or liking dinosaurs more than unicorns. It’s not a big deal until we make it one.
I’ve picked up a few small, low-effot things over the years that have helped me step back and let kids lead, instead of overcomplicating things. First, if your kid asks a question about someone’s difference out loud, don’t shush them. So many of us automatically hush a kid who points out someone’s skin color, clothing, or food, because we’re embarrassed. But shushing teaches kids that difference is something shameful, something you can’t talk about. Instead, just answer the question simply. If your kid asks why that kid’s food smells different, you can say “That’s a traditional food from her family’s country, it’s made with different spices than we usually use. That’s really interesting, right?” If you don’t know the answer, just say “That’s a great question, let’s go ask them.” No fancy speech required.
Second, don’t whisper or pull your kid aside to “remind” them to be nice to the new kid from a different background. Framing the new kid as someone extra special you have to be nice to just puts a wedge between them and the other kids. It makes them feel like an outsider before they’ve even had a chance to make friends. Most kids will walk up and start talking on their own, like Javi did at the potluck. Unless there’s a conflict that needs your intervention, you don’t need to mediate every interaction.
Third, pause and check your own discomfort before you react. I still do this: when a new student joins the class, I’ll catch myself thinking “will the kids accept them?” before I even let the kids interact. That’s my own learned awkwardness showing, not a reflection of what the kids will actually do. Most of the time, kids don’t care where your family comes from, as long as you like the same YouTube channels and will share your snacks at recess.
That doesn’t mean kids never say the wrong thing. Last year, a kid made a comment that a new student’s kimono looked like a “girl dress” when she wore it for our cultural share day. It was awkward, but it wasn’t mean. He just didn’t know what a kimono was. I just said “That’s a traditional kimono, it’s what her family wears for special celebrations, and it can be worn by anyone. Isn’t the fabric pretty?” He nodded, then asked if he could see how the big belt was tied, and that was the end of it. Adults would have turned that into a big, tense discussion, but for the kids, it was just a 2 minute interaction, and then they moved on to playing four square at recess.
Last week, I watched Faduma and Javi swap food at lunch: she gave him half her canjeero, he gave her one of his abuela’s tamales. They sit together every day now, and they’re working on a joint Minecraft project building a giant bakery. I still mess up sometimes. I still overprepare for holiday events, I still catch myself holding my breath before a new kid joins the class, waiting for something to go wrong. But more often than not, I step back, and the kids are already way ahead of me. They don’t see cultural difference as a problem to solve, or a box to check for inclusion. They just see it as part of who their friend is. It’s not a perfect system, and there’s still a lot I’m learning, but it’s a good reminder to stop overthinking and let kids be kids.
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