Are Kids More Open To Cultural Differences Than Adults Think? A Parent’s Perspective + Simple Tips
The plastic container was sticky along the edges when Lila heaved it onto the center console of our minivan last month, crumbs of phyllo dough dusting her backpack. “Zara’s mom made this. It’s baklava,” she said, nodding at the new 4th grader buckled in behind her, who moved to our town from Damascus three weeks prior. I’d spent 20 minutes the night before scrolling an article titled “Things to Know About Syrian Culture When Hosting Guests,” deleting and retyping a text to Zara’s mom confirming our carpool route, and checking the pantry to make sure all our snack options were halal. None of that mattered when Lila twisted the container lid open and pointed at a chunk covered in bright green pistachios. “My grandma makes hers with walnuts,” she said. “Why’s yours green?”
Zara answered easy enough: her grandma taught her mom that method back in Damascus, where they grew their own pistachios near their old house. Before I could even chime in with a polite comment, Lila was already inviting herself over to learn to fold phyllo, offering up her famous Christmas peanut butter cookie recipe in exchange. I sat there driving, hands on the wheel, thinking I’d overcomplicated the whole thing before it even started.
When Lila’s teacher first emailed to ask if she’d be Zara’s buddy for her first month, I said yes immediately. Then I spent the next 48 hours spiraling over every possible misstep. Would I say the wrong thing? Would Lila be awkward because they didn’t grow up with the same shows or holidays? Would Zara feel left out? All that worry, and the first day they were already trading baking tips and planning a weekend playdate.
We went to the community playground that Saturday, and Zara mentioned that for Eid, every year her whole family gathers, every kid gets new clothes and a small envelope of spending money. Lila’s eyes went wide. “That’s exactly like my birthday, except I get Barbies instead of cash. Can we have a fake Eid at my house this weekend? I’ll give you an envelope of my allowance.” Zara thought that was the best idea she’d ever heard. They spent the whole afternoon cutting and decorating paper envelopes, and I ended up buying matching sparkly hair clips for both of them. I didn’t plan any of it. It just happened.
I grew up going to a small, mostly white school in rural Ohio. When we got a new kid from Mexico when I was in 5th grade, all the parents made a big deal out of being “extra kind to the new girl who speaks Spanish.” It felt so awkward, like everyone was treating her like she was fragile, or different in a way that needed special handling. She ended up eating lunch alone for the first semester because no one knew how to act around her, all because everyone overthought every interaction. I carried that awkwardness with me, I guess, which is why I spiraled so much with Zara.
But over the past month, I’ve picked up a few small, concrete things that work way better than overpreparing. The first is: don’t shut down kids’ blunt questions. A couple of weeks ago, we were at a class birthday party, and Lila looked at Zara’s hijab and just asked, “Why do you wear that on your head?” I was mid-sip of lemonade, already opening my mouth to apologize and scold Lila for being rude, when Zara just leaned back and said, “It’s part of my religion. I like it because I can put sparkly clips under the edge, look.” She flipped the edge up to show a row of glittery star clips, and Lila immediately wanted to try clipping her own headband the same way. If I’d interrupted, that whole moment would have turned awkward, instead of just being a normal question and answer. Now, when Lila asks something direct, I just pause and let the other person answer. No need to apologize for curiosity.
The second thing is: you don’t need to be an expert on every culture to be welcoming. I had that whole article about customs saved, ready to memorize, and it turns out Zara loves cheese puffs and Minecraft just like every other 10-year-old in the class. When I accidentally offered her a ham sandwich on her first day eating at our house, I froze, and she just laughed and said, “No thanks, can I have extra tomato instead?” I said “sure thing” and moved on, no big awkward speech about how sorry I was, no making a big deal out of a tiny mistake. That’s way better than making everyone uncomfortable.
The third is: don’t turn cultural difference into a formal lesson. I was tempted to pull out a children’s book about Syria and do a little “learning activity” before Zara came over, but I’m glad I didn’t. Kids don’t need a scripted lesson to connect. Zara talks about her old home when she wants to, Lila asks questions when she’s curious, and that’s way more natural than any activity I could have put together.
It’s not like every kid is automatically open, of course. Last week, a boy in their class said Zara’s stuffed grape leaves “smelled weird” during lunch. Lila got so mad she told him he was wrong, that grape leaves are way better than his stale cheese crackers, then asked Zara to bring extra the next day so the boy could try one. He ended up liking them. It’s not that kids are perfect, or that there’s never any awkwardness. But they’re far more open than we adults are, because we’re the ones who’ve learned to see differences as big, scary things that we have to handle just right. Kids just see differences as interesting things to try, or talk about, or share.
Next month, Zara’s family is having a small Eid gathering at their apartment, and I’m still a little nervous. I asked a friend who’s Muslim what gift I should bring, and I’m still second-guessing if I’ll remember to take my shoes off when I walk in, or if I’ll say the wrong thing. But Lila already wrapped up the drawing she made of the two of them on the playground, and she’s got a batch of peanut butter cookies baked and ready to go. I think that’s enough. I don’t have to get everything perfect. I just have to stop overthinking, and get out of the way of the natural curiosity kids already have. Most of the time, that’s all it takes.
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