Am I In The Wrong When My Kid Is Upset About My Rules? A Parent’s Reflection
The sweat from the oat milk carton was seeping through my reusable bag and onto my forearm when Lila stormed off into the cereal aisle. I’d just said no to the $15 glow-in-the-dark slime kit she’d spotted at the end cap, the same kind of kit she’d begged for three months earlier that now sits crusted over in the back of her craft bin, half its contents wasted. By the time I caught up to her, she was parked cross-legged on the sticky linoleum, chin tucked to her chest, and announced, “You hate me. You never let me have anything.”
A woman pushing a cart full of diapers paused half an aisle over and glanced over. That’s when it hit me, the question that’s followed me through 10 years of parenting: Am I in the wrong here?
I loaded the groceries into the car in silence, Lila slumped in the back seat staring out the window as fat raindrops started splattering the windshield. By the time we got home, she’d locked herself in her room, and I was leaning against the kitchen counter unpacking bananas, replaying the interaction. Had I been unnecessarily harsh? Could I have spared $15 just to keep the peace? Was I raising an ungrateful kid, or was I the unreasonable one? I texted my sister, a fourth grade teacher who’s heard every one of my “am I the bad guy” rants, and she called back 10 minutes later.
She didn’t tell me I was right or wrong right away. She just asked me what the rule was, and why I’d said no. I told her we’d had a conversation a month earlier about no new craft supplies until we used up what we have, that Lila had agreed to it when we cleaned out her bin together. I’d said no calmly, not snapped, I hadn’t called her entitled for asking. My sister nodded, and said that 9 times out of 10, when I’m asking “am I in the wrong”, the answer is no— I’m just uncomfortable with my kid being upset.
That hit me harder than any parenting book I’ve ever read. I’d spent so many years absorbing the idea that good parents keep their kids happy, that saying no too often damages their self-esteem, that if your kid is mad at you, you must have messed up. I’d leave every screaming match, every slammed door, every silent car ride replaying every word, looking for the mistake I must have made.
What we’ve worked out over the last few months is a simple, three-second check I do anytime that “am I wrong” question pops up. It’s nothing fancy, just three quick questions I run through in my head before I spiral. First: Is this no about safety, an agreement we already made, or preventing unnecessary waste? Second: Did I say it calmly, not out of my own tired frustration or to punish her for something else? Third: Am I open to revisiting it if things change? If I can answer yes to all three, the answer is almost always that I’m not wrong— I just set a boundary my kid doesn’t like.
I’ve also started using the same exact phrase every time I say no to a want she’s upset about, instead of over-explaining or apologizing to make the discomfort go away. It’s just: “I know you really want this, and my answer is no right now. We can add it to your birthday/holiday list, or you can use your own allowance if you still want it then.” That doesn’t leave room for bargaining, which I used to give into just to stop the crying, and it validates that her feelings are real without changing the rule. I don’t walk away when she’s upset, either— if she wants to sit next to me on the couch and pout, that’s fine. I just don’t engage with name-calling or bargaining. If she says I’m the worst mom, I just say “I know you’re really angry right now. I’m here when you’re ready to talk calmly.”
After the slime incident, Lila came out of her room an hour later, dragging her sketchbook behind her. She didn’t apologize for yelling, and I didn’t make her. I handed her the granola bar she likes, she said thanks, and she sat at the kitchen table drawing while I finished putting away groceries. A week later, I noticed she’d pulled her allowance out of her piggy bank and counted it. She had enough to buy the slime kit herself, so I drove her back to the store and she bought it with her own money. It’s already half crusted over now, sitting next to the other three. I didn’t say I told you so.
I still get that twinge of doubt all the time. Last week, I said no to an unchaperoned trip to the mall with her 11-year-old friends, and she didn’t speak to me for 24 hours. I laid in bed that night staring at the ceiling asking myself the same question: Am I in the wrong? I ran through the check: it’s a safety call, I said it calmly, I’ll revisit it when she’s 12. No, I’m not wrong. I just don’t like that she’s unhappy right now.
Sometimes I do get it wrong. Last month I said no to a playdate because I was tired and didn’t feel like driving, that was my bad, and I apologized. But most of the time, the question isn’t about a mistake I made. It’s about me having to sit with the discomfort of my kid being disappointed, and that’s not a failure. That’s just parenting. It’s still messy, I still cave sometimes just to get through the day, and there’s no perfect answer every time. But I’m learning that my kid being upset with my rules doesn’t automatically mean I’m in the wrong.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » Am I In The Wrong When My Kid Is Upset About My Rules