Am I Going to Get Bullied for Wearing Ts? Parenting Tips for Anxious 8th Graders Starting School
Last Taco Tuesday, I was wiping crumbs off my kitchen counter, half-listening to my son argue with his little sister about who got the last churro, when 13-year-old Javi, who’s heading into 8th grade this fall, leaned against the fridge and asked me really quiet, “Hey. Am I gonna get bullied for wearing Ts?” He flipped his phone around to show me a stack of vintage anime tees he’d scored on Depop for his birthday, all with big faded graphics from 90s shows he rewatches after homework.
Javi’s my next-door neighbor’s kid, I’ve known him since he was 5 and used to steal my garden tomatoes to give to his golden retriever. He’s always been quiet, the kind of kid who’d rather draw in a notebook than join a pickup basketball game at recess. Last year, he told me, a kid in his grade got teased for a month straight for wearing a Spirited Away hoodie—someone even drew a mustache on it with permanent marker in art class. That story stuck with him.
“All the guys in my grade wear plain Nike dri-fits or those tiny Supreme logos you can barely see,” he said. “If I walk in wearing this, everyone’s gonna know I’m a nerd.” I leaned against the counter next to him and asked how many of those guys he actually talks to more than once a month. He thought for a second, shrugged, and said “Two. Maybe.” But that doesn’t matter, he explained. The worst part is having someone yell something across the hallway when everyone’s looking. It’s not even the name-calling, it’s the 10 seconds where every head turns to stare at you. That’s the part that keeps him up at night.
I volunteer in the office at the local middle school three days a week, so I see this all the time. What most adults miss is that most 8th grade teasing about clothes isn’t actually about the shirt. It’s about picking a target that’s already a little outside the group, and grabbing a quick laugh at someone else’s expense. The kids doing the teasing aren’t thinking about your shirt—they’re thinking about looking cool in front of their own friends. Javi’s right to worry a little, but the fear he’s feeling right now is almost always way bigger than what actually ends up happening.
I didn’t tell him “just be yourself, who cares what people think.” That’s garbage advice to give a 13 year old who’s already one panic attack away from shoving all his new shirts in the back of the closet. Instead, I pulled up a photo on my phone from when I was 14, starting high school, wearing a holey velvet Misfits tee I’d thrifted that I thought was the coolest thing on the planet. I pointed out the kid in the background wearing a “Straight A” sweatshirt and said I got called a freak for three days, then no one mentioned it again. People are way too busy worrying about what other people think of their own clothes to care that much about yours.
We talked through a low-stakes plan, no big gestures. First, don’t wear the most out-there graphic tee on the first day of school. The first day everyone’s too busy panicking about finding their locker and remembering their new teacher’s name to pay much attention to anyone else’s shirt. Save the big Cowboy Bebop graphic for the first Friday, when everyone’s already settled into a rhythm. Second, if anyone says anything rude, don’t laugh along to fit in, don’t yell back, just say “yeah, I like it” in a flat voice and walk away. We practiced that twice right there in the kitchen. First he did a shy mumble, then he tried it again, louder, deadpan, and we both laughed. It feels weird at first, but it works because it takes away the reaction the kid teasing you is after. No drama means no laugh for their friends, so they move on fast. Third, keep a plain neutral hoodie in his backpack if he wants it. If he feels self conscious halfway through the day, he can throw it over the tee, no questions asked. That gives him an out without making him hide his stuff permanently.
Later that night, Javi’s mom texted me, all stressed out. She said she had no idea he was this worked up, and she was this close to running to the mall to buy him a whole new closet full of “normal” clothes to make the anxiety go away. I told her that’s the last thing she should do. Offering to replace all his favorite Ts tells him that his interests aren’t worth being uncomfortable for, and that just makes the anxiety worse. Instead, I walked her through three small things she could do that don’t require a big shopping trip: First, ask him to name the worst thing he thinks will happen. Most of the time, kids are imagining a scenario that’s way worse than anything that will actually occur. Getting it out in the open makes it smaller. Second, don’t solve it for him. If he wants to email his homeroom teacher and say he’s a little nervous about starting the year, help him write that. If he just wants to practice what to say if someone says something rude, do that with him after dinner. Third, don’t push him to wear the Ts if he doesn’t want to. It’s his call, not yours. The point isn’t to force him to be a bold iconoclast, it’s to let him wear what makes him happy if that’s what he wants.
Right now, Javi’s got his five new Ts hung up on the back of his bedroom door, and he’s got the Swordfish II tee picked out for the first Friday of school. He still says he’s a little nervous. I told him that’s normal. If someone says something, we’ll figure out what to do next. If no one says anything, he gets to wear his favorite shirts all year. It’s not a perfect plan, and there’s no guarantee nothing bad will happen. But it’s a lot better than hiding the things he loves in the back of a drawer, waiting until he’s older to be “cool” enough to like what he likes.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » Am I Going to Get Bullied for Wearing Ts