Are There Trans and Non-Cis Students In My Kid’s School? A Teacher’s Honest Answer + What You Need To Know
Last week, after back-to-school night for my 4th grade class, a mom lingered by the door, twisting the crumpled edge of her child’s course confirmation sheet. She’d nodded through my presentation about reading groups and math fact practice, asked a quick question about snack time, and waited until every other parent had herded their kids out to the parking lot before leaning in, voice low. “Can I ask you something?” she said. “Are there any trans or non-cis students in your school?”
I didn’t tense up. I’ve gotten this question at least once a year for the past five years, almost always from parents who aren’t mad, just confused. She’d walked past the single-stall gender neutral bathroom by the office to get to my room, I guessed, saw the new sign, and heard something from a friend or on the news that made her nervous. I pulled out the folding bench we keep by the door for parent conferences, gestured for her to sit, and told her yes. This year, three openly trans and non-cis students are enrolled in our K-5 elementary school. One of them is in my class.
She blinked, sat back, and said, “Oh. I had no idea. What does that mean for my daughter?”
Her daughter sits two desks away from Javi, the 9-year-old trans boy in my class. They traded Pokémon cards at the start-of-year picnic last week, and Javi helped her open her milk carton on the first day when her hand was shaky from a new retainer. Javi forgot his cleats for soccer practice two weeks ago and borrowed an old pair from my son, who’s the same size. Last week he turned in a story about his pet hamster that was three pages longer than the requirement, with very convincing arguments for why hamsters should be allowed as class pets. That’s most of what there is to know about Javi, really. The fact that he’s trans is just one small thing about him, like how he’s allergic to strawberries or can do a back handspring on the playground.
I explained that to her, slowly. A lot of parents think having trans and non-cis students in the school means some big new curriculum or complicated conversations they aren’t prepared for, but that’s almost never the case at the elementary level. The changes we’ve made are tiny, low-lift, and benefit every kid anyway. For example, on the first day of school every year, I pass out blank name tags for desks, instead of printing them from the roster ahead of time. I ask every kid to write whatever name they want me to call them, and what pronouns I should use. Some kids use nicknames that aren’t on the roster, some just want to practice their new cursive, and it means any kid who needs to update their name doesn’t have to stand up in front of the whole class and make a big announcement to do it. That’s it. It takes five extra minutes, and it’s worked for three years now.
When she brought up the bathroom question, which every parent does, I told her our gender neutral bathrooms are single-stall, and any kid can use them for any reason. We had one cis girl last year who started her period at 10, and she used it every day because she didn’t want to change in the communal girls’ room in front of her friends. We have a few boys with shy bladders who won’t go if other kids are in there, so they use the single stall too. It’s not a special favor for trans kids. It’s just a bathroom that gives people privacy, which most of us prefer anyway.
The practical stuff for parents, the stuff I tell people who ask, is super simple, too. If your kid comes home and says “Javi uses he/him pronouns now, what does that mean?” you don’t need to give them a 45-minute lecture on gender identity. You don’t need to overexplain anything. You just say, “Sometimes people don’t feel like the name or gender they got when they were born fits them, so they pick one that does. That’s okay, right?” Nine times out of ten, your kid will say “okay” and immediately go back to telling you about the time Jimmy pushed them off the swing, or what they want for dinner. They don’t need more than that unless they ask. I’ve never had a kid ask more than one follow-up question, and that’s usually just “Can they still come to birthday parties?” which the answer is obviously yes.
This isn’t some new trend, either. When I started teaching 18 years ago, there were trans and non-cis kids in every school I worked at. They just didn’t tell anyone. They went by the wrong name, used the wrong bathroom, went through whole days feeling anxious and unseen because no one made them feel safe enough to be honest. Now they can be open, and that means they can focus on learning, instead of focusing on hiding. That’s the whole point. We don’t ask cis kids to hide who they are, so why would we ask trans kids to?
It’s not all perfect, of course. Last year we had a school board meeting about the bathroom signs, and a handful of parents showed up to complain that we were “pushing an agenda.” We had a kid pull Javi aside after that and ask him intrusive questions, and I had to have a conversation with that kid’s parents, and it was uncomfortable. But Javi still comes to school every day smiling, still argues for hamsters as class pets, still trades Pokémon cards with the mom’s daughter. That’s the part most people don’t see.
After we talked for 20 minutes, the mom stood up, slung her purse over her shoulder, and said she hadn’t thought of it that way. She said Javi came to her daughter’s birthday party back in June, and she’d had no idea, and he was “just a normal kid.” She said she was glad I told her, and left to pick up her older kid from soccer practice. I walked back to my desk to pack up, and found Javi’s half-finished math homework tucked under his keyboard stand, the same one he’d turned in that morning missing the back page. I stuffed it in my bag to give him the next day, turned off the lights, and locked the door.
Some days are still messy, and there are still conversations I have to have that feel awkward, and not every question gets a neat answer. But right now, what works is this: small changes, simple answers, treating every kid like a kid first. That’s enough, most days.
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