What To Do When Your School Won’t Talk About Trans and Non-Cis Students: A Middle School Teacher’s Perspective
Last month, I sat across from a mom at my middle school’s fall parent-teacher conferences, her spiral notebook open to a page with three scribbled questions. The first two were about her 12-year-old son Jaden’s algebra grade and his long-running habit of forgetting to turn in homework. The third one, she leaned in and lowered her voice, loud enough only for me to hear over the hum of the gym crowd and the smell of microwave popcorn and worn floor wax: “Are there any trans or non-cis kids at this school?”
She wasn’t there to argue or complain. She told me Jaden had come out as bisexual the year before, and over the summer he’d started asking questions about pronouns and gender labels at home, saying he wasn’t sure he fit as just a boy. She wanted him to know he wasn’t the only one at our school, but she’d checked the website, the student handbook, the list of after-school clubs, and found nothing. She didn’t know where to start asking, so she asked me.
I’ve taught 7th grade at this school for eight years. The short answer to her question was yes. Last school year alone, three different students came out to me between the first day of class and winter break. One changed their name in my grade book and asked me to use it in front of everyone; one only uses they/them pronouns with me and a couple close friends, and hasn’t told their conservative parents yet; one is non-binary and out to the whole grade. Our school doesn’t collect any official data on trans or non-cis students, and we don’t have a Gay-Straight Alliance right now—the last teacher who advised it moved out of state two years ago, and no one on staff has signed up to take it over, for a whole host of quiet reasons no one talks about out loud.
Most of the time, the work of supporting these kids happens in small, unspoken moments, not big school-wide announcements. I keep a copy of the key to the single-stall staff bathroom near my classroom on my key ring, and I give a copy to any trans or non-cis kid who says they don’t feel comfortable using the boys or girls locker room or bathroom. Admin doesn’t make a big deal out of it, as long as no one abuses the privilege, so that’s that. When the front office accidentally misnames a trans student on the morning announcements, I step into the hall right after and correct it for the kids who heard, then send a quick email to the office to remind them for next time. I write my own pronouns in my email signature and on the whiteboard at the front of my room on the first day of school, every year. It takes 10 extra seconds, and more often than not, at least one or two kids will come up after class to tell me theirs, too.
When this mom asked what she could do to help Jaden, and what we could do at school, I gave her the small, concrete steps that have worked for me and the kids I work with, not the vague advice you see online. First, if you’re a parent with a questioning or trans kid, you don’t have to wait for your school to start a club or update its policies to connect your kid to other queer students. I offered to quietly ask the two non-cis students I work with closely if they’d be open to Jaden joining their after-school game group that meets in the library once a week. No big announcement, no pressure, just a group of kids who like the same video games and get what it’s like to be asked questions about your gender all the time. It turned out they were happy to have him join, and last week I saw them sitting on the library steps sharing a bag of Cheetos and arguing about a new character release, just like any other group of 12-year-olds.
For teachers who are nervous about getting this right, the biggest rule I follow is: don’t make a bigger deal out of a kid coming out than they want. If a kid pulls me aside after class to tell me they use they/them pronouns now, I just say “Got it, thanks for telling me. I’ll make sure to remember that” and go back to what we were doing. I don’t announce it to the whole class unless they explicitly ask me to. That avoids outing them to people they don’t want to know, which can put them in danger at home or with peers, and it takes the pressure off them to be a “representative” for all trans kids right in the middle of math class. For parents who are nervous about bringing it up to the school, you don’t have to schedule a big showdown with the principal to get small changes. You can just email your kid’s teacher directly, and most of us will start using the correct name and pronouns right away while you work through official paperwork if that’s what you want.
It’s not a perfect system. We still don’t have updated name change policies for official school records, so kids have to jump through a lot of hoops to get their student ID changed. We don’t have gender-neutral changing rooms for the gym, and some kids still get harassed in the hallway, though we step in right away when we hear it. I’ve had other parents ask me the same question this mom did, but with a different tone—worried that having trans kids in the school means “something is being taught” to their kid. I always tell them the same thing: trans kids are just kids. They worry about their grades and their soccer games and forgetting their lunch money, same as every other kid in this building. All we’re doing is calling them what they ask to be called, which is the same basic respect I’d give any parent who asks me not to call their kid by their nickname if they don’t like it.
Right now, this is what we have. It’s not the end goal, and we’re still figuring it out every day. But those small, quiet steps add up. Jaden came to me after his first game with the group last week and said it was the first time he didn’t have to explain himself to anyone. That’s enough for right now.
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