Why Many Girls Hold Back What They Really Think: One Teacher’s Simple Question That Helps
Last Wednesday, I finished my 7th grade language arts lesson 25 minutes early. I’d erased the discussion notes from the board, sorted the stray handouts on my desk, and still had 18 minutes left before the bell. We’d just talked about a story where the main character hides his true feelings to keep the peace, so on a whim I leaned against the front desk and said what popped into my head: “I just have a simple question for all girls—boys can answer too if you’re interested. What’s one thing you held back from saying out loud this week, just because you didn’t want to rock the boat?”
For 10 full seconds, no one said anything. A boy in the front row tapped his phone under his desk. Someone’s water bottle gurgled. Sun slanted through the smudged classroom window, turning dust motes gold over the scuffed linoleum. I was about to laugh it off and move on to free reading when Mia, who sits in the back row and has turned in only three out of 12 journal prompts all semester, slowly lifted her hand. She twisted the hem of her faded gray hoodie around her finger and said, “I didn’t tell my science group my idea for our volcano project because the three boys said theirs was gonna get a better grade, and I didn’t want to argue about it.”
Before I could even respond, Lila, who usually leads every discussion, raised her hand. “I didn’t tell my best friend I didn’t want to go to the birthday party she invited me to. I already said I’d go, but I hate that mall, and it’s on the same day as my grandma’s 80th birthday dinner. I just didn’t want her to be mad at me.”
Then Javi, the star of the school soccer team, leaned forward in his chair and said, “Can I answer even though I’m a boy? I didn’t tell the coach I couldn’t stay for extra practice this week because I had to watch my little sister, and I didn’t want everyone calling me a momma’s boy.”
More hands went up after that. By the time the bell rang, 14 kids had shared something. Three girls waited by my desk after everyone left, and one slipped me a crumpled note after the others went that said I’ve never told anyone that before.
I’ve been teaching middle school for 12 years, and I know this isn’t a new observation. But this conversation stuck with me, because it showed how deep this habit goes. Most of the girls I’ve taught learn really early that being “good” means not making a fuss, not disagreeing, not putting your own needs ahead of everyone else’s. It’s not that they don’t have ideas or opinions. It’s that they’ve learned the cost of saying them out loud is usually higher than staying quiet.
I used to do awkward lessons on “being assertive” that told kids to just speak up, but that’s useless advice. If you’ve spent 10 years being told you’re too loud or too bossy for saying what you think, being told to “just speak up” doesn’t change anything.
What does work is building the habit of asking this question, regularly, without pressure. I started doing this once a month in every class I teach, and I started asking it at my own dinner table with my 10-year-old son and 13-year-old daughter every Sunday. There are a couple small, concrete rules I follow that any parent or teacher can copy, no extra time or planning required. First, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. No pushing, no guilting. If my daughter shrugs and says “nothing,” I just move on to my own answer. Second, if someone does share, you don’t jump in to fix it right away. I don’t say “you should have told your group that was wrong” or “why didn’t you say something?” I just say “that makes total sense that you’d hold that back, I’m glad you shared it with us now.” If they want help fixing it, they’ll ask. Third, I share my own answers first sometimes. Last Sunday I said “I held back telling my neighbor I was annoyed that her dog keeps digging up my rose bushes, because I didn’t want to start a fight over it.” That normalizes the habit—kids don’t think it’s just something they do wrong, it’s something everyone does sometimes.
Last month, a girl in my other class told me she’d held back telling her mom she didn’t want to do competitive cheer anymore, because her mom had already bought all the uniforms and paid for the travel. I just listened, didn’t offer any solutions, and a week later she came back and told me she’d told her mom after we talked. Her mom wasn’t mad, they worked it out. It didn’t happen because I gave her a speech. It happened because she got to practice saying it out loud to me first, without pressure.
It doesn’t fix everything. Last week, the same Mia who spoke up that first day still didn’t say anything when her group ignored her idea for a book project. After class she told me “I just didn’t feel like it that day,” and that’s okay. This question doesn’t turn quiet kids into loud, assertive leaders overnight. It doesn’t undo all the messages girls get from the time they’re little that nice girls don’t make trouble. Some weeks, no one says anything at all when I ask. But that’s fine too. The point isn’t to get a big confession every time. The point is just to remind them that the space is there, if they ever want it. It’s just a simple question, but I’ve been surprised how often it opens up something that was sitting there, waiting to be said.
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