What Parents Should Know When Asking Non-Teacher School District Employees Questions
I was leaning against the cinder block wall outside the elementary school nurse’s office last month, waiting for my 4th grader Milo to get his persistent nosebleed sorted, when I overheard the front desk conversation through the propped open door. A mom was on speaker, her voice sharp with frustration, upset about a $12 negative balance on her 7-year-old’s lunch account. The person responding wasn’t the office secretary or the principal—it was Mr. Ray, our head custodian, who’d picked up the phone when the secretary stepped out to walk a feverish kid home.
Mr. Ray kept his tone even, repeating that he’d pass her message along to the food services department first thing as soon as the secretary got back. The mom didn’t let up. She said it was the school’s job to notify parents before accounts go negative, and why wasn’t anyone on top of this, and wouldn’t he just look up her account right now? When he finally hung up, I heard him rub the back of his neck and mutter that everyone with a district lanyard is suddenly a certified expert on everything, from bus routes to lunch balances to forgotten homework.
I felt my face heat up, because I’ve been that mom. Last winter, Milo’s bus was 20 minutes late picking him up from aftercare, and I called the district office screaming, demanding to know where my kid was. I chewed out the receptionist who answered, only to find out 10 minutes later that the bus mechanic had called out sick that morning, and she was already juggling 17 other calls about delayed routes. She didn’t cause the problem, she just happened to be the one who picked up the phone.
Most of us don’t think much about the hundreds of non-teacher employees working in our school districts. We see the custodian wiping down the cafeteria tables, the bus driver waving from behind the wheel, the cafeteria worker scanning lunch cards, the receptionist greeting people at the front door. We assume that if they work for the school, they know everything about everything, and it’s their job to answer whatever question we throw at them. What I’ve started to learn over the past two years of elementary school is that’s not true—and adjusting how I approach questions with these staff members makes things easier for everyone, and often gives me more insight into my kid’s day than a monthly email from his teacher.
Mr. Ray, for example, has worked at our school for 12 years. He knows that Milo is allergic to the scented hand soap in the third grade bathroom, so he keeps a bottle of hypoallergenic soap under the sink there just for him, after Milo mentioned it while he helped clean up a spilled jar of paint last year. Our bus driver, Ms. Rita, keeps extra granola bars and a pack of extra hair ties in her bag, and she’s the first one to notice if a kid is quiet and upset on the ride in. Last year, she texted me early one morning to let me know Milo had cried through the whole ride after our dog got sick the night before, so I could shoot his teacher a quick heads up. That’s information I never would have gotten if Ms. Rita didn’t feel comfortable reaching out.
The small shift I’ve made that makes the biggest difference is leading any question to a non-teacher employee with one simple line: “I know this might not be your area, but do you know who I should talk to about this?” It sounds small, but it acknowledges that they’re not on call to solve every problem that comes their way, even if they picked up the phone or happened to be standing nearby when you had a question. Before I started doing this, I’d demand answers about bus delays from the front desk secretary, or ask the custodian why the school hadn’t sent out the field trip permission slip yet, putting them in the awkward position of having to say they don’t know, which makes everyone frustrated. Now I just lead with that line, and 9 times out of 10 they can point me to the right person, and they’re far more willing to help if they can.
Another thing I’ve changed is asking my kid about non-teacher staff when we talk about school at the end of the day. I used to only ask “How was class? What did you do for recess? How was your teacher?” Now I throw in, “What did Ms. Rita talk about on the bus today?” or “Did Mr. Ray do anything fun this week?” Half the time, the answer is just that Mr. Ray let them help him unlock the playground equipment, but once Milo told me that the recess aide helped him when another kid was pushing him around on the playground, something he hadn’t mentioned to his teacher or me. Non-teacher staff spend way more time with kids in unstructured settings than most teachers do, so they see sides of kids (and problems that come up) that teachers never get a chance to notice.
I still mess up sometimes. Last week I asked the district tech guy who came to fix Milo’s school laptop why his class field trip got rescheduled, and I caught myself mid-sentence, remembering that tech support doesn’t get updated on 4th grade itineraries. It’s just a habit we fall into as parents, when we’re stressed and we have a question, we ask whoever is in front of us. But small adjustments go a long way. You don’t have to bring fancy gifts or spend hours chatting, just remembering their name when you see them, and not expecting them to have answers to things outside their job description, makes a huge difference.
Last week I was leaving the school after volunteering at the book fair, and I saw Mr. Ray helping that same mom who yelled at him about the lunch balance a few weeks prior, walking her through how to set up low balance alerts on her account on the district app. She thanked him when they were done, and he just waved it off and went back to mopping the spill a kid had left by the door. It’s not his job to fix lunch account problems, but he will, if you ask nicely. And when he notices something going on with your kid, he’ll tell you, if you’ve been nice to him back. Nothing is resolved perfectly, and I still forget to ask about the non-teacher staff some weeks, but this small shift has made our whole experience with the school smoother, for everyone.
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