14 Month Old Sleep Problems: What I Tried When I Didn’t Know What to Do Next
2:17 a.m. I’m standing in the hall outside my 14-month-old daughter Lila’s room, mug of coffee in hand that went cold an hour ago, my left sock has a hole by the big toe that I haven’t had the energy to mend. She’s been crying on and off for 45 minutes, after going down easily at 7:30 p.m. like she used to do. A month ago, I would’ve said we had sleep sorted. Lila was putting herself down, sleeping 11 hours straight through the night, waking up happy and ready for oatmeal. I even posted a silly photo on my personal Facebook about finally getting my evenings back. Then 14 months hit, and everything fell apart.
First it was early wake-ups at 5 a.m., then middle-of-the-night wake-ups that turned into hours of crying. I tried everything I’d saved from other parenting blogs: pushed bedtime 15 minutes earlier, pushed it 20 minutes later, gave extra milk before bed, dosed her with ibuprofen for teething, repeated the whole cry-it-out routine that worked when she was 10 months. One night I brought her into bed with me, and she spent an hour climbing back and forth over my husband’s chest, yanking my hair, and babbling at the ceiling. My husband left for work the next day with two hours of sleep and a coffee stain on his button-down, and I sat on the kitchen floor after she finally napped, staring at a half-eaten granola bar because I had no clue what I’d done wrong.
I brought it up at our 15-month well-baby checkup (we were a week late), and our pediatrician just shrugged and said it’s pretty standard for this age. 14 months is when a lot of kids hit a big growth spurt for their brain: they’re figuring out walking, they understand more words than they can say, separation anxiety spikes hard because they finally get that you can exist in another room even when they can’t see you. It’s not that you messed up sleep training, it’s that their brain is growing so fast it can’t shut off at night. That was the first thing that helped, actually: realizing it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t bad behavior, it was just growing.
We started tweaking things one small thing at a time, because I was too tired to overhaul our whole routine. First, I added 10 minutes of what I call “wandering time” right before we start the bedtime routine. Lila just started taking unassisted steps two weeks ago, and all she wants to do is walk. Walk around the couch, walk around the dining table, walk into the laundry room to chew on a dirty sock. Before, I’d corral her straight to the bath after dinner, because I was ready to be done with the day. Now, I just let her go. We walk around the main floor, she says “night” to every thing she sees: the fish tank, the dog’s bed, the cereal box on the counter. It’s messy, it takes an extra 10 minutes I used to spend scrolling on the couch, but by the time we get to pajamas, she’s already tired out from all the walking practice her brain was dying to get in. I noticed the first night I did this, she fussed half as much when I put her down.
Next, I changed how I respond when she wakes up crying. Before, I’d either run in immediately and pick her up, or stand outside the hall torturing myself waiting the full 10 minutes the cry-it-out guides require. Now, I do my own version of timed checks: I wait 2 full minutes first, to see if she’ll settle herself down (half the time, she just stirs and goes back). If she doesn’t, I go in, keep the overhead light off, don’t turn on my phone screen, I don’t pick her up unless she’s red-faced hysterical or I know she’s sick. I just rest my hand on her back for 10 seconds, say “I’m here, it’s sleep time” in a flat, calm voice, and leave. No extra talking, no playing, no picking her up to rock her unless something’s wrong. It’s hard at first, because my instinct is to snuggle her, but it keeps her from getting overstimulated by my presence, which just makes it harder for her to go back to sleep.
I also made two tiny changes to her room that I never thought would make a difference: I put a worn cotton t-shirt of mine, the one I wear to workout that smells like me, under the bottom sheet of her crib, and I added a tiny dim night light right by her door, so she can see the door frame when she wakes up. My pediatrician mentioned that separation anxiety at this age comes from knowing you’re nearby but not being able to see you, so small cues that I’m still close help more than I thought. It makes sense, when you think about it: if you wake up in a dark room and can’t remember where you are, you’d be anxious too.
It’s not perfect. Last night, she had a stuffy nose from the cold going around our playgroup, and she was up three times. I ended up sitting on the floor outside her door for 20 minutes, drinking that cold coffee, while she fussed herself back to sleep. Some nights she still wakes up at 5 a.m. ready to party, and I have to sit on the floor of her room while she throws all her stuffed animals out of the crib until 6. I’ve given up on getting my full 8 hours of sleep for now, and I’ve stopped beating myself up for letting her watch an extra 10 minutes of nursery rhymes in the morning so I can chug a second coffee.
But most nights now, she goes down without screaming, and she sleeps for 5 or 6 hours straight before the first wake-up, which is a world of difference from where we were two weeks ago. I still don’t have it all figured out. I don’t think there’s one fix that works for every 14 month old, or even for the same 14 month old every single night. What I do know is that when I stopped panicking that I’d broken all our good sleep habits, and started making small, low-effort changes that meet her where she is right now, things got a little easier. Some phases just take time, one tired night at a time.
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