Why Does It Feel Like Your Teacher Is Picking On You? What Parents Need to Know
Last Tuesday, I was folding a load of my 7th grader’s hoodies when Jake slammed his backpack down on our coffee table hard enough to make my iced tea slosh over the edge. Half a granola bar and a crumpled permission slip fell out, and he crossed his arms and said, “Ms. Henderson is always picking on me. Why does she hate me?”
I’d heard this three times in two weeks. The first time, it was getting yelled at for talking when half the group chat he’s in agreed everyone else was talking too. The second time, it was getting marked down for late homework when three other kids turned it in the same day and got full credit. I’d already drafted a mildly frustrated email to Ms. Henderson once, then deleted it, figuring middle school drama blows over. But then I got an email a few days later asking for chaperones for the 7th grade field trip to the natural history museum, and I signed up, figuring I’d see for myself what was going on.
The morning was uneventful, until we hit the dinosaur hall. Ms. Henderson herded our group of 10 kids toward the T. rex skeleton, and I hung back to let her lead. Within the first five minutes, she said “Jake, keep your voice down” when he was telling his friend about a video game he’d played over the weekend. Two minutes later: “Jake, don’t lean on the barrier.” Five minutes after that: “Jake, stop running ahead.” By the time we stopped for lunch at the museum’s picnic area, I’d counted 11 times she’d said his name. The boy walking next to Jake the whole time had been tapping the glass display cases and kicking the barrier nonstop, and she hadn’t said a single word to him. I was ready to pull her aside after lunch and say something, but she sat down next to me first, unwrapped her turkey sandwich, and laughed. “I know what you’re thinking,” she said. “I pick on him way more than anyone else. Let me explain why.”
She said she had 28 seventh graders in her math class that year, and seven of them have diagnosed learning differences, Jake included. Jake has inattentive-type ADHD, which we’d shared with her at the start of the year, but he doesn’t have an official IEP for extra support because we wanted to see how he did with just casual check-ins. “I don’t do it because I’m mad,” she said. “I do it because he needs more reminders. If I don’t say anything, he’ll spend the whole class drawing in his notebook and fail the next quiz, then he’ll come to me after and say he didn’t understand what was going on. If I let him keep talking when he’s off topic, the whole class gets off track, and then Jake gets embarrassed when everyone’s looking at him anyway. I’d rather give him a quick reminder than let it blow up.” She told me her own son was the same way in middle school, that he came home every day saying his teacher picked on him, until she realized he just needed more redirection than most kids, and every correction felt personal because he was already self-conscious about getting in trouble.
That made sense. I’d seen it at home: Jake will zone out while I’m telling him to take out the trash, and if I don’t remind him three times, it doesn’t get done. I’m his mom, I don’t think I’m picking on him when I remind him. But from his perspective, it’s just another time I’m on his case about something.
I went home that night, and I sat down with Jake at the kitchen table while he spread his homework out. I didn’t start with “Ms. Henderson doesn’t hate you” or “You’re overreacting.” I told him I counted the times she said his name at the museum, and that it did seem like a lot, that I’d be frustrated too. That’s the first thing I learned that I pass on to other parents now: don’t dismiss the feeling first. Even if it turns out there’s a good reason, your kid feels picked on, and that feeling is real. The specific phrase I used that worked really well was, “That sounds really awful. I’d feel hurt too if I thought my teacher was always after me.” No arguing, no fixing right away.
Then we talked through what was bugging him the most. He said it wasn’t the reminders, it was that she always said his name out loud in front of everyone, so all the other kids thought he was in trouble all the time. So we came up with a specific fix: we emailed Ms. Henderson that night, and asked if she could use a small nonverbal cue instead of calling his name out. Just a quick tap on the side of his desk when he’s off task, that no one else would notice. She wrote back 10 minutes later and said she’d been meaning to ask us if that would work, she just didn’t want to overstep. She also agreed to call on him at least once every class period, because Jake said he thought she never called on him even when he knew the answer, turned out she was trying to make sure quieter kids got a turn too, and didn’t realize he felt left out on purpose.
It’s been two and a half weeks now. Jake hasn’t come home complaining about Ms. Henderson picking on him once. He told me last week he got to answer a hard fractions question in front of the whole class, and he got it right, and everyone clapped. The nonverbal cue works most days—he said she’s only had to call his name out loud twice since they started.
It’s not perfect, of course. Last Monday he forgot his math homework, and she made him stay after class to finish it just like she does any other kid, and he pouted all the way through dinner about it. I don’t expect this to fix every problem, and I know there are cases where teachers really do hold unfair grudges against kids. But more often than not, what feels like picking is just a misalignment of needs: an overworked teacher who hasn’t stopped to ask what would work better, and a kid who’s already self-conscious about needing extra reminders.
If your kid comes home and says their teacher is picking on them, the first thing I’d tell you is don’t fire off an angry email. Ask if you can chaperone something, or come in to help with a class party, just to see the dynamic for yourself. Acknowledge their feelings first before you start problem solving. And try a small, specific fix like a nonverbal cue before you ask for a big meeting or a teacher switch. Most of the time, it’s not that anyone hates your kid. It’s just that no one has talked about what actually works yet.
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