I’m still looking for the right anti-racism resource for my 5-year-old
Last Tuesday, I was pushing my daughter Lila on the swing at the neighborhood playground when she suddenly pointed straight at a Black woman sitting on a nearby bench, her granddaughter climbing the slide a few feet away, and yelled, “MOM! Why is her skin brown and mine is white?” I wanted to sink right into the wood mulch. I fumbled for a second, mumbled something about how everyone’s skin comes in different shades, just like we all have different colored eyes, and then spun the swing really fast to distract Lila. The woman just smiled and lifted her iced coffee, didn’t make a big deal out of it, but I couldn’t stop replaying the moment on our walk home. I know I need to talk about this with her, I just had no clue where to find stuff that actually fits a 5-year-old brain.
I went down a rabbit hole that night, scrolling through parent forums and Pinterest boards full of recommended books. Everything was either for teenagers, or it was these vague board books that just show different babies and say “We are all beautiful!” That’s fine for a 1-year-old, right? But Lila’s already noticing differences. She already asks why her best friend Mia’s hair tangles differently than hers, why Mia’s mom calls her abuela instead of grandma, why the man who runs the corner bodega speaks a different language when he talks on the phone. Pretending we don’t see any of that feels weird, like I’m teaching her it’s rude to ask questions instead of normalizing that differences are just… normal.
I ordered one of the most highly recommended kids’ books off Amazon, the one all the lists say is a must-have for little kids. It came in the mail three days later, and I tried reading it after bath time. It’s about the civil rights movement, has pictures of segregated water fountains and sit-ins. Lila got 10 pages in, pointed at the main character, and asked if she got a unicorn popsicle after all that protesting. I closed the book and stuck it on the shelf behind the stack of baby board books she outgrew two years ago. It’s a fine book, just not for us. It’s too heavy, too full of stuff her 5-year-old brain can’t wrap around yet. She still thinks the tooth fairy leaves quarters under her pillow and cries when we have to throw out a moldy crayon. I don’t want to give her nightmares about people being mean for no reason before she’s even old enough to read chapter books.
Last Saturday I went to the public library, they had a whole display of kids’ anti-racism books by the front door for Black History Month. I was standing there stacking a few in my arm when a woman my mom’s age came over, glanced at Lila holding my hand, and said “Aren’t you starting a little early? She’s just a baby, let her be a kid.” My face got so hot I could barely breathe. I just mumbled “I don’t think so” and walked away before I could think of anything actually clever to say. I still think about that. What I should have told her is that she’s already asking. Why would I not answer her?
I used to think I needed a perfect book, some expert-curated resource that would do all the hard work for me. But then a couple weeks ago, we were walking to the bus stop to go get ice cream, and Lila spotted a man waiting at the stop with a bright blue turban covered in little gold stars. She tugged my hand and asked what that wrap on his head was, loud but not mean. Before I could answer, he turned around and smiled, told her it’s a turban, he wears it for his religion, he’s from a place called Punjab all the way across the world. He even leaned down and let her touch the fabric, it was really soft cotton. She said “It’s very pretty” and that was that.
On the walk to the bus stop after, I said “See that? Lots of people have different clothes, different skin, different hair than we do, and that’s all just part of who they are. It’s always okay to ask questions, as long as you’re nice about it.” She nodded and said “Yeah, just like how I have pink sparkly sneakers and Jake from preschool has dinosaur rain boots.” And that clicked for me. I’ve been overcomplicating this so bad, looking for some big perfect resource that teaches her everything I want her to know, but most of this work just happens in these tiny, unplanned moments, right?
That doesn’t mean I’m still not looking, though. I still want a good book to keep by the bed, something that can start the conversation when I’m tired after work, when I can’t think of what to say on the spot. I tried Last Stop on Market Street, which everyone raves about, and Lila loves the pictures of the bus and the guitar player, but it’s more about being poor than it is about talking about race, you know? It’s good, but it’s not what I’m after. I found a sweet book about a little Black girl learning to love her curly hair, which is wonderful, but I want something that talks to my white 5-year-old about noticing when someone’s left out, about being kind, without dumping all the weight of history on her before she’s ready.
It’s this weird in-between. Everyone says start early, but no one really tells you what starting early actually looks like for a kid who still can’t sit through a 20-minute story without wiggling off the bed. I’m making it up as I go. Most days I get it wrong. I freeze, I change the subject when I shouldn’t, I distract her with a snack when she asks a hard question. I’ve learned that the best resource I have is just me, stopping and answering honestly instead of shushing her for asking. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still want the right book, the right resource, that makes this a little easier. I’m still looking. If you’ve got one that’s not too boring, not too heavy, not just fluffy rhymes that don’t mean anything, I’ll take it.
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