Why Some Parents Struggle to Express Pride in Their Children (and How to Support Them)
Growing up, many of us have experienced moments where a parent’s approval felt just out of reach. Maybe it was a stellar report card met with a shrug, a championship game followed by a muttered “good job,” or a heartfelt art project that received little more than a nod. While these reactions can leave children feeling confused or undervalued, they often stem from deeper emotional and societal patterns—especially in parents who struggle to openly express pride. This is particularly common among fathers, though not exclusive to them.
If you’re not a parent yourself but want to support friends or family members navigating this dynamic, understanding the “why” behind this behavior is the first step. Let’s explore the underlying reasons some parents find it difficult to celebrate their children’s achievements—and how you can help bridge the gap.
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The Weight of Cultural Expectations
Traditional gender roles have long shaped how parents, particularly fathers, interact with their children. Many men grew up in environments where emotional vulnerability was equated with weakness. Phrases like “boys don’t cry” or “man up” weren’t just casual remarks; they were lessons in suppressing feelings to fit into a narrow definition of masculinity. For fathers raised this way, pride becomes a quiet, internal emotion—something to feel but not openly express.
This isn’t just anecdotal. Studies in developmental psychology suggest that men socialized to prioritize stoicism often struggle with emotional communication, even toward their kids. A father might genuinely feel proud of his child’s piano recital or academic success but default to practical advice (“Keep practicing!”) or humor to avoid seeming “too soft.” To an outsider, this might look like indifference, but it’s often a learned defense mechanism.
How to Help: If you notice this pattern, gently challenge outdated norms in conversation. For example, if a dad jokes about his child’s “silly” art project, you might say, “I think it’s amazing they put so much creativity into this—you must be proud!” Framing pride as a strength, not a vulnerability, can slowly shift perspectives.
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The Shadow of Generational Trauma
Parenting styles are often inherited. A father who grew up with distant or critical parents may unconsciously replicate those behaviors, even if he wants to do better. He might withhold praise because he fears his child will become “complacent” or because he never learned how to give it authentically. In some cases, parents equate pride with “bragging” and avoid it to keep their children humble.
This cycle is tough to break. A parent stuck in this mindset might believe they’re protecting their child from disappointment or preparing them for a “harsh world.” Yet, children often interpret this lack of affirmation as disapproval, leading to strained relationships and self-doubt.
How to Help: Encourage open dialogue without judgment. If a parent confides worries about their child’s future, acknowledge their intentions (“It’s clear you want the best for them”) before gently suggesting alternatives: “What if celebrating their efforts could actually motivate them more?” Sharing stories of how positive reinforcement helped someone you know (without sounding preachy) can plant seeds for reflection.
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Fear of Emotional “Messiness”
For some parents, especially those who avoid deep emotional conversations, expressing pride feels risky. They worry about saying the wrong thing, appearing insincere, or opening the door to more vulnerability than they’re ready for. A dad might downplay his child’s achievement because he doesn’t know how to handle the emotional weight of the moment.
This isn’t always about love or commitment. Many parents deeply care but freeze when faced with emotional milestones. They might resort to actions over words—buying a gift, attending an event, or helping with a project—to show support indirectly.
How to Help: Normalize emotional expression around them. If you’re at a family gathering and see a parent staying quiet during their child’s big moment, model affirmation yourself (“Wow, Alex, your science fair project blew me away!”). Sometimes, witnessing others celebrate their kids gives hesitant parents permission to join in. You might also suggest low-pressure bonding activities, like hiking or cooking together, where conversations about achievements can arise naturally.
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The Misconception of “Enough”
Surprisingly, some parents withhold praise because they believe their children don’t need it. They assume kids already know they’re loved or that external validation isn’t important. Others worry that too much praise will inflate their child’s ego. This is especially common in achievement-focused families where outcomes (grades, trophies) overshadow effort.
What these parents miss is that acknowledgment isn’t just about ego—it’s about connection. Children thrive when they feel seen, not just when they succeed. A teen who hears “I’m proud of how hard you worked” learns resilience; one who hears only silence may internalize that their efforts don’t matter.
How to Help: Highlight the value of effort over results. If a parent mentions their child’s soccer game, ask, “How do you think they felt afterward?” This nudges them to consider their child’s emotional experience. You might also share articles or podcasts about growth mindset (casually, as if you just found it interesting) to introduce new ideas without confrontation.
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Building Bridges, Not Barriers
Supporting parents who struggle to express pride starts with empathy, not criticism. Most are doing their best with the tools they have. Your role isn’t to fix them but to create opportunities for growth.
– Celebrate their parenting wins. If a dad shares a story about teaching his kid to ride a bike, say, “That’s such a great memory you’re creating.” Affirmation can inspire more intentional behavior.
– Encourage small steps. Suggest writing a note for their child’s lunchbox or texting a simple “I saw how hard you studied.” Low-stakes gestures build confidence.
– Be a safe space. If a parent admits feeling unsure how to connect, listen without judgment. Sometimes, venting frustrations is the first step toward change.
Ultimately, helping parents express pride isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about fostering environments where love and pride can unfold in their own time—and reminding them that their voice matters more than they think.
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