Why Some Kids Need Extra Help Falling Asleep (And Why That’s Okay)
Every night, like clockwork, my wife settles into our 7-year-old son’s bed. They whisper about dinosaurs, replay the day’s adventures, and eventually, his breathing slows into the steady rhythm of sleep. This routine isn’t unusual in our house—or in many others. Yet, when I mention it to friends or read parenting forums, I’m often met with raised eyebrows. “Still? At his age?”
Let’s talk about why some kids need that closeness to drift off—and why there’s no universal rulebook for bedtime.
—
The Comfort of Connection
For young children, bedtime isn’t just about sleep—it’s a transition from the busyness of the day to the quiet of night. Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist specializing in child development, explains that needing a parent’s presence at bedtime is rarely about “manipulation” or “neediness.” Instead, it’s often rooted in a child’s temperament, their need for emotional security, or even how their brains process transitions.
Kids thrive on routine and predictability. For some, a parent’s presence acts like a “bridge” between the stimulation of daytime and the vulnerability of falling asleep. Think of it as their version of winding down: stories, back rubs, or simply feeling a trusted adult nearby helps their nervous system shift gears.
—
The Myth of “They’ll Never Learn”
One common worry parents voice is: If we don’t stop this now, will they ever fall asleep on their own?
The short answer? Yes—but timing varies. Sleep independence isn’t a race. While some kids naturally outgrow needing company by age 4 or 5, others take longer. Developmental factors play a role: anxiety-sensitive children, kids with neurodivergent traits (like ADHD or autism), or those experiencing big changes (a new sibling, moving homes, starting school) often cling to familiar comforts longer.
Studies show that most children eventually develop self-soothing skills—with patience and gentle guidance. The key is to distinguish between a habit (something they’ve always done) and a dependency (an inability to sleep without specific conditions). If your child can occasionally fall asleep without you—say, at Grandma’s house or during a trip—it’s likely just a preferred routine, not a crisis.
—
When to Pause and Reflect
Of course, there are times when bedtime struggles signal deeper needs. Ask yourself:
1. Is this causing family stress? If parents feel resentful or exhausted, it’s worth exploring changes.
2. Is daytime behavior affected? Frequent night waking or daytime irritability might point to sleep deprivation.
3. Are there signs of anxiety? Fear of the dark, monsters, or separation could mean your child needs tools to manage worries.
If any of these apply, consider small adjustments (more on that later) or consulting a pediatric sleep specialist. But if everyone’s content? There’s no urgent need to “fix” what’s working.
—
Building Confidence, One Step at a Time
For families ready to encourage more independence, gradual shifts often work better than cold turkey. Try these strategies:
1. The “Slow Retreat” Method
Start by sitting on the bed instead of lying down. Over a week, move farther away—to a chair by the door, then the hallway. This visually reassures your child you’re nearby while creating physical space.
2. Introduce a “Transitional Object”
A special stuffed animal, blanket, or even a parent’s T-shirt can provide comfort. Explain: “Mr. Bear will stay with you all night, just like I do.”
3. Collaborate on a Bedtime Plan
Kids feel empowered when included. Say, “Let’s create a super-cool bedtime routine! What three things should we do before lights-out?” Maybe it’s a story, a silly song, then snuggles.
4. Celebrate Small Wins
Did they fall asleep alone at a sleepover? Praise their bravery! Positive reinforcement builds momentum.
—
Real-Life Tips from Parents Who’ve Been There
– “We used a ‘ticket’ system,” says Jenna, mom of 8-year-old twins. “Each kid got three ‘tickets’ per night to call us in. They loved the choice—and rarely used all three.”
– “Audiobooks saved us,” shares David. “Our daughter listens to a calming story podcast. It distracts her from needing us in the room.”
– “We swapped roles,” explains Priya. “My husband took over bedtime twice a week. Our son adjusted faster than we expected!”
—
The Bigger Picture: Trust Your Family’s Rhythm
In a world obsessed with milestones and metrics, bedtime can become another source of parental guilt. But here’s the truth: there’s no expiration date on comfort. Some cultures embrace family co-sleeping well into middle childhood. Others prioritize early independence. Neither is “right”—just different.
As my wife reminds me when I fret about our son’s bedtime routine: “One day, he won’t want us to tuck him in. Let’s savor this while it lasts.” And she’s right. These quiet moments of connection aren’t just about sleep—they’re building a foundation of safety and trust that will support him long after he outgrows needing us at bedtime.
So, to every parent lying in a dimly lit room, waiting for those eyelashes to flutter closed: You’re not “spoiling” your child. You’re meeting them where they are—and that’s exactly what they need.
Please indicate: Thinking In Educating » Why Some Kids Need Extra Help Falling Asleep (And Why That’s Okay)