Why Do Parents Sometimes Keep Secrets From Their Adult Children?
When you were a kid, it made sense that your parents didn’t tell you everything. Bills, health scares, or family conflicts were “adult problems” you weren’t expected to handle. But now you’re 23—a full-fledged adult—and you’ve noticed they still avoid sharing certain details about finances, health, or major decisions. It’s confusing, maybe even hurtful. You’re left wondering: Do they not trust me? Do they think I’m not mature enough?
This tension is more common than you might think. Let’s explore why parents sometimes withhold information from their adult children—and how to bridge the gap.
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1. Protection Is a Hard Habit to Break
Parents spend decades shielding their kids from life’s harsher realities. Even when you’re grown, that instinct doesn’t just vanish. For example, if a parent loses a job or faces a medical issue, they might think, Why burden my child with this? They have their own life to manage.
This mindset often comes from love, not distrust. Many parents grew up in generations where “handling things quietly” was seen as responsible. My friend Sarah, 25, once discovered her mom had surgery weeks after it happened. Her mom’s reasoning? “I didn’t want you stressing during finals.” While frustrating, Sarah realized it was her mom’s way of prioritizing her well-being.
What to do: Acknowledge their good intentions. Say something like, “I know you’re trying to protect me, but being kept in the dark makes me feel disconnected. I’d rather face challenges together.”
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2. Cultural or Generational Differences
In some cultures, parents are viewed as lifelong authority figures, not equals. Sharing vulnerabilities or asking for input might feel unnatural. For instance, in many Asian families, discussing finances or health issues with children—even adult ones—is considered inappropriate.
Similarly, older generations often equate secrecy with dignity. A grandparent might hide a dementia diagnosis to “avoid pity,” while a Boomer parent might downplay debt to “keep up appearances.”
What to do: Respect their perspective but gently challenge it. Try: “I understand this isn’t easy to talk about, but I care about what’s happening in your life. How can I support you?”
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3. Fear of Judgment or Conflict
Imagine your dad’s retirement savings took a hit, and he’s considering a risky investment to recover. He might avoid telling you because he anticipates criticism. Or maybe your mom knows you’d disapprove of her remarrying quickly after a divorce.
Parents are human—they worry about losing respect or sparking arguments. A 2022 study in the Journal of Family Communication found that 68% of parents avoid sensitive topics with adult children to prevent conflict.
What to do: Create a judgment-free zone. If they share something you disagree with, lead with empathy: “I see why you’d feel that way. Let’s talk through the options.”
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4. They Don’t Realize You Want to Know
Ironically, your independence might backfire here. If you’ve moved out, built a career, or started a family of your own, parents might assume you’re too busy or uninterested in their “boring” problems.
Take Jake, 24, who only learned about his parents’ divorce plans six months after they’d filed. “I kept saying, ‘Don’t worry about me—I’m fine!’ whenever they asked how I was handling adulthood,” he admits. “They took that to mean I didn’t want to be involved in their stuff either.”
What to do: Explicitly invite them to share. Try: “Even though I’m busy, I always want to be there for you. Please don’t hesitate to loop me in.”
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5. Trust Issues From the Past
If you’ve broken trust before—say, sharing family secrets with others or reacting poorly to difficult news—they might hesitate to confide in you now. Maria, 26, recalls a time she vented to a cousin about her dad’s business struggles, which spread through the family. “It took years for him to tell me anything personal again,” she says.
What to do: Rebuild trust gradually. Apologize for past mistakes (if applicable) and prove you can handle sensitive information responsibly.
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How to Encourage More Openness
– Use “I feel” statements instead of accusations:
“I feel left out when I hear about big news from others” works better than “You never tell me anything!”
– Ask specific questions: Instead of a vague “What’s new?” try “How’s Mom’s treatment going?” or “Did you decide about selling the house?”
– Share your own struggles: Vulnerability goes both ways. If you open up about work stress or relationship issues, they might reciprocate.
– Set boundaries if needed: If their secrecy harms you (e.g., hiding a genetic health risk), calmly explain the impact: “I need to know about Grandma’s condition so I can make informed decisions about my own health.”
– Consider family therapy: A neutral third party can help navigate tough conversations.
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When to Accept Their Choice
While transparency is ideal, respect their right to privacy too. Some topics might be too painful, legally complicated, or unrelated to your life. As long as their secrecy isn’t harmful, sometimes the kindest response is: “I’m here if you ever want to talk, but I’ll stop asking if that’s easier.”
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Final Thoughts
Parent-child relationships evolve, but old patterns take time to change. By approaching the issue with curiosity instead of frustration, you’re more likely to foster mutual understanding. Remember, their secrecy isn’t necessarily about you—it’s about their fears, habits, and love. With patience and gentle effort, you can build a healthier dynamic where both sides feel heard.
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