Why Do My Parents Still Keep Important Things From Me at 23?
Growing up, many of us imagined adulthood as a magical threshold where we’d finally earn our parents’ trust and become equals in family conversations. But here you are at 23, freshly graduated or building a career, only to discover your parents still withhold major family decisions, financial updates, or health news. It’s frustrating, confusing, and maybe even a little infantilizing. Why does this happen? Let’s unpack the reasons behind this dynamic—and how to navigate it with empathy.
The Lingering Instinct to Protect
Parental instincts don’t vanish when kids turn 18. For decades, your parents saw themselves as your primary protectors—shielding you from stress, sadness, or complexity. Old habits die hard. Even if you’re financially independent or living on your own, they might filter information “for your own good.” For example, hiding a grandparent’s illness to avoid “burdening” you during finals, or downplaying money troubles to preserve your sense of stability. While well-intentioned, this habit can feel dismissive of your maturity.
The catch: Parents often underestimate how much their adult children can handle. A 2022 study in Journal of Family Psychology found that 60% of parents over 50 admitted withholding stressful news from adult kids, fearing it would “derail their lives.” Yet, adult children reported feeling excluded or disrespected when kept in the dark.
Generational Divides in Communication
Your parents’ approach to sharing information likely reflects their upbringing. Older generations were often raised in households where adults discussed “adult matters” privately. Finances, health scares, or marital conflicts weren’t debated at the dinner table. If your parents grew up in such environments, they might default to secrecy without malice—it’s simply their cultural script.
Meanwhile, millennials and Gen Z tend to value transparency. Growing up with social media and open dialogues about mental health, younger adults often see honesty—even about tough topics—as a sign of trust. This mismatch in communication styles can create friction. Your parents may view secrecy as normal; you interpret it as distrust.
Fear of Losing Authority (or Being Judged)
For some parents, sharing vulnerabilities threatens their role as family leaders. Admitting financial struggles, marital tensions, or aging-related challenges forces them to acknowledge they’re not invincible—a tough pill to swallow if they’ve spent decades projecting confidence.
Others withhold information to avoid criticism. Suppose your dad hasn’t saved enough for retirement. He might dodge the topic, worried you’ll disapprove of his choices. Similarly, a mom hiding a health diagnosis might fear your reaction: “Why didn’t you eat better?” or “You should’ve seen a doctor sooner!”
The “Overparenting” Trap
Helicopter parenting doesn’t always stop at college graduation. Some parents struggle to transition from managers to mentors. By controlling information, they maintain a sense of involvement in your life—even if it backfires.
I once worked with a client whose parents hid their plans to sell the family home until the moving trucks arrived. Why? They assumed she’d “overreact” and try to stop them. In reality, she felt blindsided and hurt. Their attempt to “avoid drama” created more of it.
How to Bridge the Gap
If you’re tired of being left out of the loop, proactive steps can help shift the dynamic:
1. Initiate Calm Conversations
Instead of accusing them (“You never tell me anything!”), frame it as a shared goal:
“I’ve noticed we don’t talk much about [topic]. I’d love to understand what’s going on—it helps me feel connected to the family.”
2. Prove Your Reliability
Parents are more likely to share if they see you as steady. If they mention a problem, avoid knee-jerk reactions. Listen first, then offer thoughtful input. Over time, this builds confidence in your maturity.
3. Share Your Own Challenges
Modeling openness encourages reciprocity. Casually mention work stress or a tough decision you’re facing. It signals that you trust them with your vulnerabilities—and hope they’ll do the same.
4. Respect Their Boundaries
Sometimes, secrecy stems from privacy needs, not distrust. If your mom avoids discussing her divorce details, acknowledge her right to process it privately. Focus on topics where openness feels achievable, like family finances or future plans.
5. Involve a Neutral Third Party
Stuck in a cycle of miscommunication? A family therapist can mediate, helping everyone express needs without defensiveness.
When Secrecy Signals Bigger Issues
While most parents act from love, consistent secrecy can sometimes hint at control issues or emotional immaturity. Red flags include:
– Gaslighting (“You’re too sensitive—it’s not a big deal!”)
– Weaponizing information (“We didn’t tell you because you’d just criticize us.”)
– Excluding you from major decisions affecting your life (e.g., selling a home you co-own).
In these cases, firm boundaries may be necessary. Calmly explain how their actions impact you, and limit engagement if patterns persist.
The Silver Lining
However frustrating, this struggle often stems from a place of care. Your parents likely don’t realize their secrecy feels patronizing. By approaching them with patience—and consistently demonstrating your readiness for “adult” conversations—you can gradually reshape the relationship.
Remember, adulthood isn’t a switch they flip; it’s a dance of mutual adjustment. With time and honest effort, you’ll find a rhythm that works for everyone.
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